Angelina Jolie, chasing cheese and skin-conditioning as a cover for world domination
I haven't really achieved much in my life yet. Of course achievement is relative and it would be silly to try and measure myself to standards set by the likes of Alexander the Great who had conquered most of the known world before he was 30. My idea of achievement at this stage in my life doesn't extend beyond remembering to put the toilet seat down after I pee.
What I certainly have not done is virtually shut down an entire country as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have managed to do with Namibia. Not only do they have their very own private no-free zone, but they have convinced the government to ban any foreign journalists from entering the country and have got a sizeable percentage of the Namibian security forces ensuring that no one is going to come anywhere near them unless they wish to be parted with vital organs. In effect, Jolie and Pitt have reached that stage in their lives when they can get a country to hand over its national security arrangements to them to cater to their every whim. How cool is that? Mind you, most men would do yoga on burning coals if it would make Angelina Jolie happy. In any case, when she is 80, she can look back and think that she did something with her life- she had an entire country at her beck and call. Oh yeah, Brad can look back with some satisfaction as well but let's face it, he wasnt the one charming the ass off middle-aged Namibian ministers.
You know at one point when Tom Cruise somehow managed to get Katie Holmes pregnant and Jolie and Pitt were on the way to doing the same, I had a theory that the Cruise baby was going to be the anti-Christ and the Jolie baby was going to be the force for good and they would have a huge battle for the very soul of the human race. Seeing as both turned out to be girls, something tells me they might have other issues to deal with by the time they are 30. It's men who always end up screwing the world.
Women are too busy trying to figure out-among other things- exactly which skin-care is going to do wonders for their skin. I am sick to death of the number of skin-care adverts on TV and a special fuck-you goes to L'Oreal which has succeeded in hijacking just about every program to tell us time and time again that women- YOU ARE WORTH IT and have you ever wanted a smooth clear skin and glowing hair..etc. The thing is they have Charlize Theron advertising it- is this fair? How many women can ever hope to look like Charlize Theron? Surely this kind of advertising will just backfire? No wonder women will never be happy. Neither will men of course, but we are much simpler creatures and a pursuit of happiness is often far down our list of priorities.
But anyway I'm wondering- Does L'Oreal have plans for world domination? This is not an idle question. Those ads are just everywhere all the time, it's almost sinister. Soon you fear they will beam it directly into our brains. Even men are going to start buying the dammn thing. I fear that L'Oreal's plans extend much further than just making sure that all women have clear skin 'because you are worth it'. Something else is going on there. Maybe they are going to form an alliance of evil with the Tom Cruise child. Unless, as I mentioned before she finds something better to do. Seriously if we fought poverty the way we fight bad skin, it would be over by now.
Things that have intrigued me recently: An event in England where dozens of people chase a giant cheese down a steep slope. The target is to beat the cheese to the bottom, but if there is one thing humanity has learned since we first came into being it is that it is impossible to beat a giant piece of cheese in a downhill race. Still they try, and 25 people were injured by the time it was over. They are all fine now- not mentally obviously- and probably training for next year. To be honest it did look like fun, but I like my cheese on a plate not rolling down a hill in the mud. That is technically a nightmare.
Which brings me somehow to something else that caught my eye recently and which is espcially relevant in this world cup season- a fatwa by a Saudi Arabian cleric on football which was passed about 3 years ago but was only translated and brought to international attention about a year ago. Reading it is like stepping back in time. It's very amusing but a bit creepy to think that we have people like this out there. You can be sure that this guy has-to use the technical term- 'issues'. Thankfully Saudi Arabia-or any of its neighbours- did not follow up on this madness and he was told to piss off. Here are some of the highlights which I swear I am absolutely not making up- Im putting them here word for word:
-Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.
-Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Add to this number or decrease it.
-Play in your regular clothes or your pyjamas or something like that, but not coloured shorts and numbered T-shirts, because shorts and T-shirts are not Muslim clothing. Rather, they are heretical and western clothing, so beware of imitating their fashion.
-If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.
-Young crowds should not gather to watch when you play because if you are there for the sake of sports and strengthening your bodies as you claimed, why would people watch you? You should make them join your physical fitness and jihad preparation, or you should say: "Go proselytise and seek out morally reprehensible acts in the markets and the press and leave us to our physical fitness."
-You should spit in the face of whoever puts the ball between the posts or uprights and then runs in order to get his friends to follow him and hug him like players in America or France do, and you should punish him, for what is the relationship between celebrating, hugging and kissing and the sports that you are practising?
-You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.
The mind boggles. What can you say?
Reading: Kingdom of Fear By Hunter.S.Thompson. A man I would have liked to meet despite the fact that he was as mad as a sack of frogs. This book is essentially his memoir and it is not often that you get to see George.W.Bush called 'a whore-beast' in print. Thompson has never been a man to mince his words, but what a brilliant writer he was. He was so gifted that he could spend half his day doing all the drink and drugs under the sun and still bang out a top-notch essay afterwards. His comic and observational talents are almost scary. I was genuinely sad when he killed himself last year.
What kind of sad and twisted world do we live in when Futurama gets cancelled (three years now) but Big Brother is a perfectly acceptable thing to put on Television?
What I certainly have not done is virtually shut down an entire country as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have managed to do with Namibia. Not only do they have their very own private no-free zone, but they have convinced the government to ban any foreign journalists from entering the country and have got a sizeable percentage of the Namibian security forces ensuring that no one is going to come anywhere near them unless they wish to be parted with vital organs. In effect, Jolie and Pitt have reached that stage in their lives when they can get a country to hand over its national security arrangements to them to cater to their every whim. How cool is that? Mind you, most men would do yoga on burning coals if it would make Angelina Jolie happy. In any case, when she is 80, she can look back and think that she did something with her life- she had an entire country at her beck and call. Oh yeah, Brad can look back with some satisfaction as well but let's face it, he wasnt the one charming the ass off middle-aged Namibian ministers.
You know at one point when Tom Cruise somehow managed to get Katie Holmes pregnant and Jolie and Pitt were on the way to doing the same, I had a theory that the Cruise baby was going to be the anti-Christ and the Jolie baby was going to be the force for good and they would have a huge battle for the very soul of the human race. Seeing as both turned out to be girls, something tells me they might have other issues to deal with by the time they are 30. It's men who always end up screwing the world.
Women are too busy trying to figure out-among other things- exactly which skin-care is going to do wonders for their skin. I am sick to death of the number of skin-care adverts on TV and a special fuck-you goes to L'Oreal which has succeeded in hijacking just about every program to tell us time and time again that women- YOU ARE WORTH IT and have you ever wanted a smooth clear skin and glowing hair..etc. The thing is they have Charlize Theron advertising it- is this fair? How many women can ever hope to look like Charlize Theron? Surely this kind of advertising will just backfire? No wonder women will never be happy. Neither will men of course, but we are much simpler creatures and a pursuit of happiness is often far down our list of priorities.
But anyway I'm wondering- Does L'Oreal have plans for world domination? This is not an idle question. Those ads are just everywhere all the time, it's almost sinister. Soon you fear they will beam it directly into our brains. Even men are going to start buying the dammn thing. I fear that L'Oreal's plans extend much further than just making sure that all women have clear skin 'because you are worth it'. Something else is going on there. Maybe they are going to form an alliance of evil with the Tom Cruise child. Unless, as I mentioned before she finds something better to do. Seriously if we fought poverty the way we fight bad skin, it would be over by now.
Things that have intrigued me recently: An event in England where dozens of people chase a giant cheese down a steep slope. The target is to beat the cheese to the bottom, but if there is one thing humanity has learned since we first came into being it is that it is impossible to beat a giant piece of cheese in a downhill race. Still they try, and 25 people were injured by the time it was over. They are all fine now- not mentally obviously- and probably training for next year. To be honest it did look like fun, but I like my cheese on a plate not rolling down a hill in the mud. That is technically a nightmare.
Which brings me somehow to something else that caught my eye recently and which is espcially relevant in this world cup season- a fatwa by a Saudi Arabian cleric on football which was passed about 3 years ago but was only translated and brought to international attention about a year ago. Reading it is like stepping back in time. It's very amusing but a bit creepy to think that we have people like this out there. You can be sure that this guy has-to use the technical term- 'issues'. Thankfully Saudi Arabia-or any of its neighbours- did not follow up on this madness and he was told to piss off. Here are some of the highlights which I swear I am absolutely not making up- Im putting them here word for word:
-Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.
-Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Add to this number or decrease it.
-Play in your regular clothes or your pyjamas or something like that, but not coloured shorts and numbered T-shirts, because shorts and T-shirts are not Muslim clothing. Rather, they are heretical and western clothing, so beware of imitating their fashion.
-If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.
-Young crowds should not gather to watch when you play because if you are there for the sake of sports and strengthening your bodies as you claimed, why would people watch you? You should make them join your physical fitness and jihad preparation, or you should say: "Go proselytise and seek out morally reprehensible acts in the markets and the press and leave us to our physical fitness."
-You should spit in the face of whoever puts the ball between the posts or uprights and then runs in order to get his friends to follow him and hug him like players in America or France do, and you should punish him, for what is the relationship between celebrating, hugging and kissing and the sports that you are practising?
-You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.
The mind boggles. What can you say?
Reading: Kingdom of Fear By Hunter.S.Thompson. A man I would have liked to meet despite the fact that he was as mad as a sack of frogs. This book is essentially his memoir and it is not often that you get to see George.W.Bush called 'a whore-beast' in print. Thompson has never been a man to mince his words, but what a brilliant writer he was. He was so gifted that he could spend half his day doing all the drink and drugs under the sun and still bang out a top-notch essay afterwards. His comic and observational talents are almost scary. I was genuinely sad when he killed himself last year.
What kind of sad and twisted world do we live in when Futurama gets cancelled (three years now) but Big Brother is a perfectly acceptable thing to put on Television?
posted by Minzo at 2:20 AM
2 Comments:
After reading a brilliant post like this, I sometimes wonder why I even have a blog?Three thumbs way up man, definately one of the best reads of the year!!! Mojitos on me!!
I am also mesmerized at the attention Angelina and Bratt received at the expense of Namibia's scarce resources! Disheartening!
I laughed to death seeing some grown up moroons doing a 'gogolo' cheese chasing. Now that was time well used. Lol
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