Part 3; the trial

The judge banged his gavel loudly and called the court to attention "Minega Isibo" He said "You are here to answer three charges"
I was still sulking in my chair and refused to stand
"First" He said "You are facing a charge of being a total dickhead"
I was up from my seat in a flash "Wha..?"
"Second" he said overruling me with a disdainful wave of his hand "You are charged with having had an affair-and worse we have heard- whilst also claiming fidelity to another. On top of that you lied about it"
"But..."
"Third" he said firmly "You have made a mockery of break-ups everywhere by turning it all into a joke. How do you plead to all charges"
"Bloody well not guilty mate!"
"I'm not your mate" the judge said "And if you continue showing me disrespect I shall be forced to invent some other charges just for the hell of it"
"Can we run through the charges" I said wearily
"Well the dickhead part is self-explanatory" the judge said " You are a dickhead. Do we need to elaborate?"
"This is nuts" I tried to protest vigorously but he was banging the gavel even louder calling me to silence.
"You are also charged with carrying out a passionate affair with Laura. Furthermore you lied about it. You say there is no Laura yet you claim to know two. Which is it? And if she doesn't exist then how did you manage to have a make-believe telephone conversation with her?"
"I want a doughnut" I said stubbornly.
The prosecution lawyer was enjoying himself thoroughly. He didnt even have to do anything.
"I demand to be released" I insisted.
"You can't leave anyway" the judge said "Your ex girlfriend has hired a group of Ninjas to kill you. Theyr'e having coffee outside right now"
I was dismayed "Ninjas?" I asked "How many?"
"You don't want to know." he said grimly.
My heart sank. This mad trial was getting a bit creepy.
"Anyway" the prosecution lawyer continued "The trail of lies has finally caught up with this crazed lunatic and he must not be allowed either to breed or to deceive another innocent young lady ever again. I know he is pleading not guilty, but should we believe him? After all, we all know that a man who insists he is innocent is in fact guilty. Is this not so?"
"Well this is all bullshit" I said
"Are you calling your ex-girlfriend a liar?" The judge asked threateningly.
"Well.."
"Doesn't matter" he said banging that dammn thing again "it seems fairly clear to me that you are guilty of all three charges and worse"
"And what's this worse business?" I asked "The charges are a bit vague.."
"The charges are what they are!" He bellowed loudly, his face red "Do not make a mockery out of these kangaroo trial proceedings! This is a very serious joke and we insist you take it in that spirit. We do not know the full charges against you but you have done some very bad unspecified things that we cannot ever reveal to you. it's as simple as that. Therefore we shall have to make do with these three charges for now until the others are finally revealed to us."
"Your honor" My defence lawyer finally spoke up "My client pleads innocent to charges of having had an affair (and worse) because we all know he lacks the cunning and the brains to pull it off"
My very own defence lawyer had decided to humiliate me!
"If you claim to be innocent" the prosecution lawyer asked "Then how come you are guilty?"
"Huh?" my mind was reeling "Look if you will let me..."
"Who are you to deny the truth of rumours about you? The judge asked angrily "Who are you to cling to your innocence when we have already judged you? This man has a nerve! A nerve I tell you!"
"The third charge is no less serious" The prosecution lawyer informed me solemmly " By failing to be totally miserable after being dumped you have revealed a fundamental flaw in your character. Your honour, I present his blog as evidence A for the prosecution"
Under my breath I said "For solitude sometimes is best society...."
"Yes- a total lack of seriousness" The judge agreed ignoring me and then in a lower voice "This is what you get...when you mess with us"
I was beginning to think that maybe I should take my chances with the Ninjas outside.