a watched pot never boils, sugar seconds to dissolve....

Two of the greatest putdowns of all time (in my humble opinion) are from two legends of British history- Bill Shankly the former Liverpool coach and Winston Churchill who was Prime Minister during the second world war. Both are gone now but- bless them -sure as hell not forgotten.
Shankly was one of the legends of the game and a man so genuinely funny that had he not been in football, he could easily have done stand-up comedy. One day, one of his players messed up during the game and walked over to him. "I'm sorry boss" He said about one particular incident "I should have kept my legs together"
"Wrong" Shankly replied "It's your mother who should have!"
Churchill was even funnier- there's hardly anyone alive or dead as quotable as Churchill was. This particular incident I think occured with Gladstone who told him "Sir- I predict one day you will die either by hanging or by some vile disease"
"That depends sir" Churchill answered "On whether I embrace your principles or your mistress"
Genius.

"Now today it will rain, except in places where it will not and it will shine.."

Bloody hell- are you people actually still reading this?
Rumours of my house arrest have been greatly exaggerated. Problem is, my UN card expired so I cant come here till its been sorted out. There is nowhere else to surf the net in this bloody town except here at the tribunal.
Wisdom of the week: Gaaga my little brother walked in while I was watching 'King Arthur' (a waste of time that film) and on seeing Clive Owen gave the following monologue which I will quote verbatim "That's a black knight! There are two kinds of knights- a black knight and a blue knight. A black knight can't be killed, but a blue one can. Watch and see- they are not going to be able to kill him"
The other day I was out in the yard skipping with the kids. We were using a very long white cable that was anchored somewhere at the back of the house but we didnt bother to check. After we were done, I decided to see where it led. I discovered we had been skipping with an electrical cable all this time and it was indeed plugged in. In the last few days I have been soaked with water, beaten with a stick (supposedly a sword but more painful) kicked around quite a bit and made to watch every single cartoon on the cartoon network by the kids. It is in times like these that I remember Mez telling me "Look at you- you look like a kid who just wants to run outside and play!"
Anyway out there in the real world, apparently North Korea is now ready to give up its nukes. I think I know what Kim is calling that particular project. Its called "Bend over America". Iran on the other hand has said- in a statement from officials at the ministry responsible for the destruction of the western world- "we come in peace. honestly. cant a man make a couple of nukes on a Sunday morning? whats the world coming to?" The rest of the statement is the standard death-to-the-west-and Britney stuff we have come to expect from them so everything is still the same.
Enjoying the Kanye West single 'gold digger' but my God there are so many irritating songs on TV these days that the UN is going to have to look at it. Im thinking of stuff like 'Dont cha' (awful, completely and totally awful) 'pon de replay' and anything by 50 cent and his useless crew. I cant keep track of the songs he and his wannabe gangsters are making, but I wish he had not got rich but died trying instead.

one fine day in 1990

I was sitting on the steps of our house in Mutungo next to my cousin Martin. He was washing his clothes in a basin and I was just sitting there watching him. I was about seven then so this was just about all there was to do on a hot morning.
Then I noticed that every few minutes, he would freeze and begin to stare into the distance. I was thinking 'what's going on?' but when it kept on for much longer, I finally asked him what he was doing. It was one of the strangest things I had ever seen as a child.
He smiled for quite a while at my naivety before saying something that caught me off guard.
He said "Im just thinking"
It was my first epiphany.

misguided knights and fight clubs

Im currently reading 'Don Quixote' by Cervantes considered one of the greatest books ever written and by golly it is. It is a parody of all those knights-fighting-dragons-and-saving-beautiful-women stories that were so prevalent in Cervantes' lifetime and indeed are still fairly common today albeit in a completely different form. Here the 'hero' Don Quixote is a man who spends entire days in his libary reading these kinds of books and after a while they go to his head and he decides to become a knight and rid the world of evil in the service of 'his woman' Dulcinea del Toboso- a woman who doesnt even know he exists and is kind of..well, the village tart. Together with another dodgy character Sancho Panza he sets off to live his own adventure which includes a ferocious battle with windmills-which he takes to be giants- and plenty of misunderstandings with innocent travellers who he often mistakes for evil knights so eager is he to do battle not to mention taking the first inn he sees to be a castle and the prostitutes who help him there as the beautiful damsels of the castle helping out a knight. The book is almost criminally funny especially because Cervantes decided to WRITE the way those stories were written and consequently the language is comically complicated and long-winded- like Shakespeare on acid. For a long time after the book was written, Quixote was considered nothing less than the epitome of a clueless fool- someone who lets his imagination get in the way of reality. But during the romantic movement, this view changed a bit and he was now viewed as a kind of tragic hero and while a bit misguided, he had his heart in the right place. Im nearly finished but its already taken its place in my hall of fame as one of my all-time favorite books. Its a bit of a door-stopper though: well in excess of 700 pages with print so small it is more suited for a magnifying glass. Terry Gilliam tried to film this a few years ago with Johnny Depp in the lead role but it turned into one of the most disastrous film projects in history and was never completed-in fact, there is a documentary called 'Lost in La Mancha' detailing all the things that went wrong during the shoot. One of the funniest-not funny for Gilliam certainly- was the freak flood that swept away virtually all his cameras and equipment.
I also got the chance to read 'Fight club' by Chuck Pahlaniuk and I was suprised at how closely the film followed the book. Many people who watch the film might miss the point and just take it to be a guy film about men beating each other up for fun but its so much deeper than that and reading the book made me realize this even more. At its core its a very anti-consumerism book: we are not what we buy, we shouldnt let the things we purchase own us, we work jobs we dont like to buy things we dont need. Infact the book always makes me think of that Radiohead song 'No suprises' ("A job that slowly kills you...ill take the quiet life, a handshake of carbonmonoxide") its about trying to find yourself even if that means waking up with broken bones and a bloodied body almost every day. Its quite ironic because Tyler Durden keeps saying "You are NOT a unique snowflake!" and indeed by the end of the book, everyone has become one all intent on anarchy that seems a little misguided but when the book is starting out the message is different and a bit more hippie-ish. Its a very clever book.

beatings and mosquitoes

I took a sabbatical because I could.
So anyway here I am sitting on my ass all day with absolutely jack to do. The girls left on Saturday and dare I say it Im going to miss them quite a bit. Meanwhile the kids are beating me black and blue in the good name of fun. You should see how psychotic my seven year old sister gets when she gets to be 'teacher' and Gaaga thinks its funny to keep jumping on my stomach. Of course being their big brother I am not just a mere mortal to them but completely and utterly indestructable.
Yesterday I killed the most elusive mosquito I've ever encountered. Living in England for so long has not dulled my mosquito-killing skills (which are legendary in all four corners of the...erm, house) My first day back home, I woke up with enough bites on my arm-the same arm mind you- to make put me in a fury that was thankfully put to good use. I once twisted my ankle-and couldnt walk for about a week- trying to kill a mosquito in Kigali but thats the price you pay for these things. Indeed, so noble a quest deserves nothing less.