150 faves: part 3

1.Clocks: Coldplay
2.Over my shoulder: Mike and the Mechanics
3.Westside: TQ
4.Two beds and a coffee machine: Savage Garden
5.Nobody knows: Toni Rich Project
6.End of innocence: Don Henley
7.Careless whispers: George Michael
8.Zephyr song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers
9.Downfall: Matchbox 20
10.Don't look back in anger: Oasis
11.Is there something I should know: Duran Duran
12.Sondela: Ringo
13.Africa: Toto
14.Better man: Pearl Jam
15.Prorotype: OutKast

Celebrities I would most like to have lunch with...

There are very few celebrities I actually like and fewer still who would excite any emotion in me besides 'Whatever'. But the questionnaire thats been going around asked a fascinating question: which celeb would you have lunch with?
-Aung San Suu Kyi:The opposition leader of Burma who has been under house arrest for much of the last 15 years and still persists in fighting the regime through non-violent means. She is a true heroine and the person I would most like to meet.
-Bono: Bono is also someone who could wear the 'hero' tag. Being the lead singer and writer of the greatest group of all time (U2) is only the tip of the ieceberg. He has done more to fight poverty and third world debt than any politician you can think of. Tireless and completely selfless, Bono deserves a nobel prize for everything he has done. The music is pretty great as well :)
*useless trivia department: Bono wrote the song 'Walk on' for the person right above him-Aung San herself.
-Kevin Spacey: Simply because he is my favorite actor. He would probably be an awkward person to talk to mind you, but it would be interesting to pick his brain.
-Samuel.L.Jackson: Coolest actor ever.
-Nelson Mandela: I dont really have to explain this one do I? The man is a legend.
-Natalie Imbruglia: Have had a soft spot for her for years. Would be an interesting companion and fairly easy on the eye!
-Jennifer Garner: No explainable reason rally. I would have to introduce you to how my brain works and thats going to take a lot more than this humble post.
-Chris Martin: As the lead singer of my favorite group, I'd love to ask him the meaning of so many Coldplay songs. 'Clocks' seems to have at least 200 intepretations..
The last person on this list(its not in order btw!) is not really a celebrity as such because his identity is still unknown. The Chinese student who stood infront of a moving tank during the Tiananmen protests in 1989(about 1,500 students were later killed) and was only pulled away by a fellow protestor. He was the TIME magazine man of that year, and someone whose hand I would really like to shake. Can you even fathom the courage of that act? Could you do the same? Could you be prepared to die for your principles so calmly? That's what I call a hero. How can you not want to meet someone like that?

one of my 200 scenarios of a dream day....

Spending the entire day in bed watching cartoons and drinking Fanta twist with a lot of junk food near at hand.

150 faves: Part 2

1. Bittersweet symphony: The Verve
2.Handbags and Gladrags: Stereophonics
3.As I lay me down: Sophie B Hawkins
4.Dreams: Gabrielle
5.You don't know my name: Alicia Keys
6.King of sorrow: Sade
7.Forgiven not forgotten: The Corrs
8.Don't forget me when I'm gone: Glass Tiger
9.Under the Bridge: Red Hot Chilli Peppers
10.P.Y.T: Michael Jackson
11.Sixth Avenue heartache: Wallflowers
12.Light in your eyes: Sheryl Crow
13.Mary: Scissor sisters
14.Your body's calling me: R.Kelly
15.Always: Bon Jovi

Liverpool kick major behind

LIVERPOOL BEAT ARSENAL TODAY!!!! WHOOO-HOOOO!In doing so we struck a blow not only for those who actually support Liverpool, but for the rest of the league as well- everyone hates Arsenal and today the entire country saw an inexperienced youngster bring down the mightiest club in the country with only six seconds left on the clock. That was one hell of a goal! Im in seventh heaven right now. Neil Mellor-who got the winner- is sooooo going to get laid tonight wherever he decides to hang out!
Take that Gunners! Im sticking out my tongue to all of you bastards as I write this.

thinking about chimps in a London nightclub

This weekend I had to go down to London for a wedding. Of course I was flirting with the idea of giving the whole thing a skip, but in the end I decided against it because I would have been certain to incur her everlasting wrath. Anger is ok. Fury is cool. Wrath on the other hand is a lot worse, so I went.
The whole day was a very surreal event- It started with a rabidly gay-bashing bishop who quoted the bible to ram his point home: women should be submissive to their husbands, while husbands are merely required to love their women. Someone is getting a raw deal there!
Things got a whole lot funnier with an MC who had obviously been a headmaster before he started moonlighting as a master of ceremonies. He completely and utterly ruined the reception for those without a sense of humor. Some of us however were giggling like hyenas on steroids.
But the real purpose of this post was to talk about my night in a Congolese nightclub- a sure rival to the London zoo if only a bit more expensive. The dance floor was dotted with the most bizzare specimens I had seen since my last National Geographic viewing. The king of the night was a guy who came in wearing SKI GOGGLES!!!! I kid you not. And he stood at the side with a smug look on his face staring haughtily around. His cause was not helped by the fact that he was wearing what looked like the bastard child of a threesome between a trenchcoat, sports jacket and raincoat. He was quite a sight. Im no model of fashion excellence as those who know me will be glad to tell you, but I have never seen anything quite like that in my life. His entire being oozed shady. If there was a Republic of Shadyland, he would be its undisputed dictator. As for the girls who were in there, they had put on so much bleach on their skin they looked like they had survived a nuclear attack. And how exactly could you possibly think it is cool to wear a suit with your price tag still on it? Well most of the guys in there thought it was. The night got a lot more surreal when Congolese star Awilo Longomba held an improptu concert in the club and called people forward to compete for his DVD by dancing (if that wouldnt motivate you, I dont know what would!) It was like a competition to see the dodgiest person in the vicinity and my sides were seriously aching after five minutes.
Anyway the day culminated with us wandering London night in the freezing hours before dawn trying to get a bus to the train station and getting lost but it was all worth it. If you had taken a chimpanzee to the nighclub, he would have thought his species had been cheated in the evolutionary stakes. I have to go back there!

half the lies you tell ain't true....

Congratulations to my insane sister for getting her very own blog! Not only is it funny as hell, but it is absolutely hilarious! Did I mention it is funny? oh, right. The poem for her middle finger is possibly going to keep me laughing for months.
And just to reiterate- I DID COOK THAT SPAGHETTI MYSELF!! It was not ready-made! Stop slandering my name!
And no, I still haven't learned to post links properly. Sue me.

Well guys, it was a tough choice but only one person can win the award although all three of the people who responded deserve kudos for their very funny entries. Rom, Tesi and Raymond all contributed hilarious entries (see below with the cat picture) but in the end, Tesi wins this with a whisker.
The entry: "They're right! Doggy style rocks!"

150 songs: part 1

1. Maybe tomorrow: Stereophonics
2. On bended knee: Boyz II men
3. The way she loves me: Tonic
4. mental Picture: Jon Secada
5.The lover after me: Savage Garden
6. I'd die without you: P.M Dawn
7. Don't let go: En Vogue
8. No such thing: John Mayer
9. Father to son: Phil Collins
10. Live to tell: Madonna
11. One: U2
12. Just another sad love song: Toni braxton
13. Tajebon: Ringo
14. Again: Janet jackson
15. Drive: Incubus

How many monkeys and how many typewriters?

First of all, a reminder that the caption contest ends tomorrow afternoon and I will announce the winner tomorrow evening so make a contribution! So far Ray is winning by default...
Anyway I received a forward recently from Tesi with questions that is supposed to show a lot about you by asking you about mundande details of your life. I sent it to my friends and Romain- a friend from France- sent one so funny that I have to post excerpts here. Beware: Rated R for very strong language!

What time do you get up?
A:depends who I am with (or without) if it's a whale asap, if it's a beauty I'll get up tomorrow...

-. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
A: "I want to fuck u hard" or "Nemo's World" I don't really remember, I kinda mix up the two

-Favorite TV show(s)
A: Simpsons, Seinfeld, Friends, and if anybody wants to talk about that big old shit called "Neighboors" or something like that I'll cut off his balls and I'll eat them with mayonnaise.

-What color is your bathroom?
A:what kind of question is that? Do you watch your poo afterwards? that's a good question!

-Where were you born?
A: Toulouse, France: A star is born and nobody is aware

-Are you a morning person or a night owl?
A: what kind of morning are u talking about? the sun up and all that shit? ain't lying man,I don't know that

-What is your shoe size?
A: I've heard it's proportionnal to the size of the cock so big, very big, huge in fact

-What is your next big goal or objective in your life?
A: to be the legitimate owner of a king size bed

-What food do you NOT like?
A: Pastis 51 (it's not food but it counts I've checked with the referee)

-Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
A: You, bitch I knew u had nothing to do and no work but this way too far man...

-Favorite sport?
A: Kama Sutra

Kudos* for anyone who can get the best punchline to go along with this wonderful picture.

*kudos do not include a monetary reward or a tangible reward of any kind except a brief mention of the winner. This site does not take any responsibility for brain damage caused as a result of reading any subsequent entries.

This is a picture from our final night in Arusha. Manzi was not actually drinking that beer! I was though...

Lists!

I love making lists and I've been working on the ultimate one: my 150 all-time favorite songs. I know no one cares, but dammnit this is my blog and I'm going to do it anyway because I want to and because I am absolutely crazy about music. It's going to be in a ten-part series so brace yourself for another irrelevant slice of my life.
Mind you, making that list was heartache because tons of songs I like had to be cut out.
Post I would like to see: Raymond's top 20 songs. Does he know that many songs? :)
PS: Yes, today is piss-on-Ray day. What are you waiting for?

"Where are my kudos?"

Kudos first and foremost to the four people who visit my site regularily and have done so since the beginning- Raymond, Tesi, Laura and Carlo. Cheers people! Teta and Tona have only just become regular visitors so I'll give you girls props as well and same goes for mama who stops by now and again to make sure I do not embarass the family.
And cheers to those who pop by now and again to make sure I am alive even though they rarely leave any comments (and also those who have possibly never returned after their first visit)- Susan,Sonia, Shaduli, Seema, Oscar, Sunny, Christa and Raissa. Some of you have possibly never been here at all! (Yes Raissa and Christa, what evidence do I have that you have actually been here?) And George if you are reading this- stop dithering! You still have not answered my question- how did you get that job? Was it a Godfather? motherluck? or juuju?
And thanks to the guys from the Green Zone for stopping by- jamtart, Inakamono,EA, Jaybird, m2b. Cheers!

Juvenile giggle of the week....

Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Commando' coming out of the building with his daughter in the end after killing all the baddies in typically brutal style. The police come running up-late as always- and ask what's left.
And he answers "Just dead bodies"
Only funny of course, if you say it the way Arnie would....

Random thoughts continued...

-There is a formal dinner going on in the hall today, but I skipped it as always. Can't be bothered as the English like to say. a) There is NO way in hell I'm going to raise my glass to toast to the queen b) Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes as someone famous once said (Yes- I do not own a suit) c)Eating dinner at these things comes with a 150 page manual- seriously. It is all so elaborate that if I was so much as to swing my fork at an undesirable angle I would instantly become a pariah.
Basically- No thanks
-Why exactly is McFly singing about a girl with 'Five colours in her hair?' I would stay at least a hundred meters away from anyone with that much follicle creativity.
-I am going to prove- with scientific evidence- that 'Lose my breath' sucks- but not now. This saga is going on longer than 'Dallas'.
-What kind of Janet Jackson greatest hits compilation leaves out 'if', 'Anytime anyplace' and 'Again'? Which monkey was in charge of that fiasco?
-Can someone please please send Prince Charles to an institution? I'll settle for a Retirement home. The man is a pompous, self-righteous twit. http://www.guardian.co.uk/monarchy/story/0,2763,1354825,00.html
-Only in England does the word 'blatant' actually get used in regular conversation

Random thoughts...

-Wayne Rooney is a thug. After assaulting almost every Spanish player on the pitch during last night's game (and im not using the word 'assault' loosely here) He was substituted before even the first half was done and as he walked off actually ripped off the black armband honoring a dead soccer legend that every England player had worn for the game. The sheer nerve!
-Am I the only one who is NOT looking forward to that crap-fest called 'Im a celebrity get me out of here'? The last one was utter crap and this one doesn't even have single genuine celebrity nevermind a person who could be called anything remotely approaching interesting (except the colummnist Janet Street Porter who has got just about the most acidic tongue in the business and uses it enthusiastically for 'The independent') But anyway, why would you spend hours watching wannabees fight worms and flirt and sit around a campfire massaging their egos? if you want to launch a 'Fallujah' on your brain cells, be my guest.
-"Lose my breath" IS AN IRRITATING SONG! is anyone out there prepared to help me launch a club to keep this song off the airwaves?
-Laura has contacted me about the apparently defamatory remarks I made about her in my 'headlines you will never see' post and while most of that conversation had more swearing than a Hippies convention, the gist of her argument was "Yes, I am mentally competent so help me God" And my response was a suprisingly eloquent "Umm...okay.."

Headlines you will probably never see...

SCIENTISTS: LAURA BRAIN SCAN REVEALS "NO SIGN OF MENTAL DAMAGE"
RAYMOND: "MY SEX-FUELLED DRUG-INDUCED ALCOHOL-ACCELERATED DRUG HELL"
TETA AND TONA QUIT SHOPPING: TO FOCUS EXCLUSIVELY ON FIGHTING CAPITALISM

And here we are just chilling outside after an exhausting session of a game I like to call teacher-soccer-power ranger because basically we combine all the three into one super game!

"It is too cold to take over the world this evening"

The two people I was with seemed to think this was not such an outrageous thing to do apparently.(No one in England would ever attempt to do this of course- they would probably end up forming a queue or something)
"Will you give me 5,000 pounds then?" One of them said.
"Not unless you become my acolytes- or my minions! Which one do you prefer?"
This actually seemed to puzzle them both. Which to choose....Decisions, decisions.
"But if you had all the world where the hell would you put it?" She asked me. Good point! Especially considering how bloody small my room is in the first place.
"That's up to me- so are you in or not? You can be my right hand...people. Well one on the right and one on the left anyway. My right and left hand generals"
"Umm..just give me the 5,000 pounds" She said.
"So am I supposed to do all this on my own?"
"I'm going to be a bit too busy this week" The other said "So maybe if it can wait until the end of this term I could pitch in"
I actually had this conversation this evening.

Today is my little brother's birthday, happy birthday Gaaga! Here he is with Biganza. 

How on earth did he miss that?

I was privileged to watch something unique a week ago- something you see only once every one hundred years or so.
The greatest miss in the history of soccer.
Yes- Nwankwo Kanu from Nigeria missed from ONE YARD right infront of goal!
It was West Brom against Middlesbrough and it was the dying minutes of the game when the cross came. Kanu was standing right infront of the goal, completely unmarked- the goalie was about a hundred miles away. If he had so much as sneezed, the ball would have gone in- he was practically standing on the goal-line! Yet what happened next has all the worlds top scientists scratching their heads because it is completely inexplicable- he spooned the ball over the bar. Completely defying all laws of physics and common sense, he managed to miss an open goal. If you had lined up every single member of any given retirement home and given them a crack at that, they would have scored. Do you know how hard it is to hit the ball over the bar when you are standing milimeteres infront of an open goal? Picture yourself in that situation. You could try a million times, and you would still never be able to hit the ball over the bar from that angle like he did. Scoring would have been the only option no matter what you age, sex or health status. Yes, even YOU!
Quite simply, the worst miss I have ever seen in any sporting event. They are still replaying it on TV over here, because frankly it was too bizzare, words don't do it justice.

City of God...

I saw this finally and -oh my dear God!!! Im still digesting the whole thing- it was absolutely mindblowingly knock-your-socks-off brilliant. I cannot even post a proper review because words fail me. Best film I've seen since 'Return of the King' and one thats already in my all-time top 10. Powerful, violent, raw, touching, tragic, insightful...it was the perfect advert for World Cinema. Trust me, this was not just a film- it was a cinematic event.
Wow.

'Do they know its Christmas?'

As everyone knows by now, the who-is-who of British music just got together to re-record 'Do they Know its Christmas' which was originally done 20 years ago for the famine in Ethiopia but is now being recorded for Darfur.
My thoughts:
1. How dare Justin Hawkins try and take Bono's line? Bono is the lead singer of the greatest music group in history (U2) and Hawkins is lead singer of The Darkness who a)suck b) Have achieved jackshit compared to U2 and c) Justin has a stupid voice. If Bono wants to sing the line standing on his head with a ukelele , he could bloody well do it. He has earned it.
2. How can you sing a song about whether the poor, starving people know if it is Christmas? Do you think they care? They are too busy starving to death to be preoccupied about the holiday season. How about changing the chorus and making it a bit more sensitive to the reality?
3. Infact, why didnt they just write and compose a completely different song? Smacks of laziness- "Oh, lets just dust down that old song we did twenty years ago and release it again" and its not even a particularily good song mind you.
That said, good gesture and I would really like to meet Bob Geldolf the man who has engineered both band-aids. I would give him a hug, because that man is a true hero.

Long distance relationships

Here was my response to Raymond's long distance relationship article -
http://raymondsbliss.blogspot.com

Jesus Raymond I had no idea you were that far gone!
Having read the choir boy’s moving but incredibly sappy ode to his girlfriend, I suddenly have renewed faith in humanity. The man is twenty but he is making wedding arrangements- if this gets any sappier Julia Roberts will be involved!
So now I have to write my own relationship-affirming, Mills-and Boon baiting Cliché-ridden reply and I will start it off by saying that much as I love my girlfriend, I have not yet picked out the church furnishings yet.
You see Raymond has set the bar pretty high and in steering clear of most clichés (a very admirable effort negotiating that minefield by the way, a pat on the back is absolutely essential) he is leaving me with no choice but to clear the minefield myself. It won’t be pretty.
Unlike our focused friend, I did not enter this whole thing looking for a bride. You can say I lack ambition if you may, but I entered the whole thing with about as much grace as Abe Simpson with a wedgie. One day I just woke up and realized I was madly in love and that I had a few squatters in my stomach- butterflies. I got out of bed and began to hop on first one foot and then another because I really desperately needed to tell her and also I needed to go to the toilet.
Anyway let’s make a big jump- a few phone calls later, I found myself in the kind of thing that most guys dread and how did I take it? Did I run screaming into the night? No (a quick and sure death would have followed anyway- pedestrians are a minor inconvenience on Kigali roads like dragonflies or sidewalks) Did I stand my ground like a man and face the new dawn in my life? Erm…no again. However what I DID do was make a commitment- A vow to stay faithful and prove to her that even if I was posted to Mallorca, I would keep Bruce Almighty in his pants. It has been my fundamental ethos ever since.
But what everyone wants to know is: is it really worth it? What is it about her that makes you suddenly become no better than a married man? What kind of woman would make a guy travel a thousand miles away from her and give monks a run for their money (well- seeing as they have no possessions, lets just say give them a run) Why on earth am I taking such a huge gamble? Why is She taking such a huge gamble?
The answer of course is that neither of us knows. While the very existence of undying love is still hotly debated today, for some of us it is an article of faith. How do I know I’m really in love? Because I can feel it and that’s good enough for me. Because No one makes me feel the way she makes me feel. Because I wake up every morning aching for her. Because it is the first time in my life I have thought of marriage in a favourable light. No, I am not feeling unwell as I write this neither am I under the influence of any intoxicant so help me God. It is the honest truth- I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her and that just about says it all.
Raymond will no doubt be delighted that much as I protested in the intro to this article, I have still wandered blithely into the I-want-to-marry-her argument, but I am too caught up in the moment. It’s sunny skies for my parade!
So as me and Raymond try to navigate the treacherous waters of a long-distance relationship, it is reassuring for me to know that there are people like him out there to keep me strong which is more than most of my friends have been doing (I have heard almost every single variation of the ‘area code’ argument and yes, boys crossing a sea DOES NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE) At the end of the day, I know it is a gamble that will pay off. If it doesn’t, the store that gave me that crystal ball will have hell to pay.

Open up your eyes...

A few people have asked me why I carried around the name 'open up your eyes' on MSN messenger so let me clear this up once and for all because it is a cause close to my heart- third world poverty.
The line comes from the Coldplay song 'Politik' which is about unfair trade that keeps third world coutries mired in poverty. it's on their second album 'A rush of blood to the head' which is mind-numbingly brilliant.
This is what their CD booklet says about it 'For countries to develop or even to survive, they need to be able to trade fairly. At the moment poorer countries are strangled by ridiculous International trade laws and ruthless Western businesses keeping millions trapped in poverty and widening the gap between rich and poor'
And here are the song lyrics:

Look at earth from outer space,
Everyone must find their place,
Give me time and give me space,
Give me real don't give me fake,
Give me strength and self control,
Give me heart and give me soul,
Give me time give us a kiss,
Tell me your own politik.

(Chorus)
Open up your eyes,
Open up your eyes,
Open up your eyes,
Open up your eyes.

Give me one, cause one is best,
You confuse your confidence,
Give me peace of mind to trust,
Don't forget the rest of us,
Give me strength reserve control,
Give me heart and give me soul,
Wounds to heal and cracks to fix,
Tell me your own politik.

(Chorus)
Open up your eyes,
Open up your eyes,
Open up your eyes,
Open up your eyes,
Just open up your eyes.

But give me love over,
Love over, love over this,
But give me love over,
Love over, love over this.

Its time to own up now...

I was a mediocre football player.
Of course I didn't realize this as a kid,and like every other male child, I had a dream of being a famous soccer player but sadly my skills were limited. Looking back today, I realize how shockingly mediocre I was as a player even though I worked my sandals off to be the next Maradona. I played as often as I could and in all positions (yes, I was a goalie for a while and I plain sucked at that) I improved a bit during High school, and my status as a soccer player was upgraded to 'average'.
Just wanted to get that off my chest for no particular reason.

Funny stuff...

This is from one of the funniest weblogs out there: www.imao.us
An excerpt of life in the White house after that famous win-

Time to spend that political capital, people," Bush told his staff, "That's why I called all of you who ain't resigned yet together. First off, I'd like to thank Rover for this great victory."

Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "My evil power grows. Muh ha ha ha!"

"That's super," Bush remarked, and looked back to his staff. "Now, let's think of some ideas of what to do next. Remember, I hate people who disagree with me and find it funny when I do stuff that makes them whine. So, who has an idea?" Bush looked around. "Rummy, you have your hand up. What are your thoughts?"

"War!" Rumsfeld yelled.

"Against who?"

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he motioned to a map of the world.

"There will be plenty of time for more war in the next four years, but we have to be more focused than just decimating the entire world," Bush said, "Who do you think the worst threat is?"

Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "I don't like North Korea. Their poofy-haired leader's neck begs daily for my hands to wrap around it and squeeze it until he's dead."

"That might be a good idea," Bush stated, "The troops are getting tired of just killing Islamic extremists, so Commie kill'n might be a nice change of pace."

"Plus, they have WMD's," Condoleezza added.

"I'm not falling for that trick again," Bush responded, "If we're going to war with North Korea, let's make it clear that it's just to steal their oil."

"Actually, I have my own idea," Condi said, "Why don't we punish Old Europe for being unfaithful to us. I have a plan for overthrowing Paris. Based on their defenses, it should take just five armed Marines and a Humvee. Then, we can raid the treasures of the Louvre. I certainly wouldn't mind the Mona Lisa on my wall."

"Nah, I don't like art," Bush answered, "Except for a fish - a fish that sings." Bush chuckled. "What dark times you've gotten me through, Big Mouth Billy Bass."

Things I would do if I was an evil overlord....

I saw this somewhere a few weeks ago, and I'm still laughing. It's a bit too long, so I only picked out the best:

-My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
-My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
-Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP.
-The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
-I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
-When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No" and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No.
-After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my master plan will be carried out.
-One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
-All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
-The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
-Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
-I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
-I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
-When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
-I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

The project...

Me and Ray are working on a book that will be a series of essays. He just put up the last one he did about long-distance relationships and I'm putting up mine soon as well.
Here is the link to the story:
http://raymondsbliss.blogspot.com/2004/11/long-distance-relationships-are-they.html

Arafat revisited...

Several people- some nicely (Sonia) and some not-so-nicely (hello Tesi) have asked me to clarify my happiness on Yassir Arafat's death.
Well here is an excerpt from the www.camera.org website about his glorious past:

Timeline:
Feb. 21, 1970: SwissAir flight 330, bound for Tel Aviv, is bombed in mid-flight by PFLP, a PLO member group. 47 people are killed.

– May 8, 1970: PLO terrorists attack an Israeli schoolbus with bazooka fire, killing nine pupils and three teachers from Moshav Avivim

– Sept. 6, 1970: TWA, Pan-Am, and BOAC airplanes are hijacked by PLO terrorists.

– September 1970: Jordanian forces battle the PLO terrorist organization, driving its members out of Jordan after the group's violent activity threatens to destabilize the kingdom. The terrorists flee to Lebanon. This period in PLO history is called “Black September.”

– Sept. 5, 1972: Munich Massacre —11 Israeli athletes are murdered at the Munich Olympics by a group calling themselves “Black September,”said to be an arm of Fatah, operating under Arafat's direct command.

– March 1, 1973: Palestinian terrorists take over Saudi embassy in Khartoum. The next day, two Americans –including the United States' ambassador to Sudan, Cleo Noel – and a Belgian were shot and killed. James J. Welsh, an analyst for the National Security Agency from 1969 through 1974, charged Arafat with direct complicity in these murders.

– April 11, 1974: 11 people are killed by Palestinian terrorists who attack apartment building in Kiryat Shmona.

– May 15, 1974: PLO terrorists infiltrating from Lebanon hold children hostage in Ma'alot school. 26 people, 21 of them children, are killed.

– June 9, 1974: Palestinian National Council adopts “Phased Plan,” which calls for the establishment of a Palestinian state on any territory evacuated by Israel, to be used as a base of operations for destroying the whole of Israel. The PLO reaffirms its rejection of United Nations Security Council Resolution 242, which calls for a “just and lasting peace” and the “right to live in peace within secure and recognized boundaries free from threats or acts of force.”

– November 1974: PLO takes responsibility for the PDFLP's Beit She'an murders in which 4 Israelis are killed.

– March 1975: Members of Fatah attack the Tel Aviv seafront and take hostages in the Savoy hotel. Three soldiers, three civilians and seven terrorists are killed.

– March 1978: Coastal Road Massacre —Fatah terrorists take over a bus on the Haifa-Tel Aviv highway and kill 21 Israelis.

– Oct. 7, 1985: Italian cruise ship Achille Lauro is hijacked by Palestinian terrorists. Wheelchair-bound elderly man, Leon Klinghoffer, was shot and thrown overboard. Intelligence reports note that instructions originated from Arafat's headquarters in Tunis

He was a great statesman alright!

How a Swedish woman changed my life...

I was about seven when I stumbled on a book called 'Ronia the robber's daughter' and it changed my life competely.
I never got through it of course- it was over a hundred pages and there were plenty of tough words to keep me running to my brother- but from that day onwards, I was obsessed with books. I could not believe this amazing world of the written word had existed all this time and no one had informed me. I cannot really remember the details of the plot- well, except that it was about Ronia and she was, well a robber's daughter and got involved in plenty of shenanigans. However it was riveting especially to my young mind and if I ever saw that book again in a bookstore, heaven help the poor soul standing between me and that book.
The author is the same person who gave us the irritating as hell/ sweet and lovable (depending on your view) Pippi Longstocking. Her name is Anna Lundgren and I owe her an awful lot. This humble post is my tribute to her.

Just checking to make sure I can post pictures....Nick Ferrara the quack doctor from The Simpsons 

Surreal moment of the week part 2...

Finding myself playing air guitar and in real rock-star mode to the song "By the way" (Red Hot Chilli peppers)....in the shower.

1. Yes, I do carry a radio with me to the shower- You don't?
2.To be fair, It was a long day and anything can happen at ten pm.
3. All the voices in my head had stopped bickering and were doing the Mexican wave.

Arafat finally croaks...

Dammn I'm one happy camper today- Yassir Arafat is dead! Whoo-hooo!
The right-wing blog Silent running put it best- "Rot in hell, you disgusting, dispicable bastard. I still vote for chucking the carcass into the nearest Paris storm sewer, then sending Kofi Annan to apologize to the rats for screwing up their neighborhood."
Ouch.
Even funnier he announces that Arafat's condition has now been "officialy upgraded to satisfactory"
I couldnt agree more.

Hey baby...

This is just for my darling Mimi- I love you more than words can ever express. Thank you for being the most incredible girlfriend a guy can ever ask for, and if you rocked my world any harder I would be dizzy. I love you.

Winter is here so be of good cheer....

And yes my dammn radiator is still off! Do these people sit there giggling while I'm freezing my balls off? Do they think this is funny by any stretch of the imagination. "Yes- now that winter is coming, lets turn the heat off! Won't that be funny? It's off when he needs it most- THE IRONY!"
Anyway I think winter is really here because today was freezing and I had to get up for a ten o'clock lecture which I somehow managed to do. Something that never ceases to amaze me is the fact that twice a week, the law administration saw fit to designate one o'clock as a suitable study hour when they know very well that's lunchtime. Not only did I miss my lunch, but my stomach was growling so much during a tutorial two hours later that my neighbour noticed. Luckily she did not take it as a sign of hostility and we laughed about it afterwards.
However that was a fairly bizzare tutorial if ever there was one. One of the students interrupted the professor to talk about a case involving two women he had mentioned in a lecture. "You said they were lesbians but when I read it on the net, they don't mention that" She said quite straight-faced. The professor- a funny guy by the way- gave a tongue-in-cheek apology then virtually went into stand-up comic mode for all of ten minutes which was the most surreal moment of the week and involved -among other things- the pressing question over whether they were or were not lesbians. I can't even possibly begin to describe how funny it was and everyone was giggling fairly loudly.

Paint the sky with stars, Susan.

A big thank you to Susan for stopping by here and leaving a comment on my blog. let's hope you are going to keep up with your blog so we can all know what's going on. Judging by your account, you are overworking youself girl! Slow down! Have you stopped to smell the roses outside your house recently? it's all good-We have nothing but love for you. Just get a hobby in the meantime :)

Ring

I watched 'Ring' last night...Not the holywood version, but the original Japanese version with English subtitles. To say I was freaked out is an understatement, that thing is really creepy! Mind you, I'm a horror fan so it takes a lot to scare me- I've been devouring Stephen King novels for years, and I've seen almost any horror film you can shake a stick at. Off the top of my head, only 'The Exorcist' and 'The Omen' really scared me.
Until last night that is.
If you haven't seen Ring, go out and borrow it. It's not in-your-face horror like a lot of American films, but instead relies on atmosphere and suspense to make it a really tense affair.There is a scene about five minutes from the end that is worth the price of rental alone. Don't see it alone though...

I belong in the kitchen!

Today I cooked the first meal of my life, and you know what? It was fantastic!
The whole process did not start promisingly mind you. After buying the spaghetti and the beans, I set the water to boil and stood there waiting for any semblance of heat. Nothing. Nada.
I started wondering- is this cooker even working? Five minutes later, with the cooker still ice cold it finally hit me. That little white box with an on/off switch a few inches away from the cooker? Well I hadnt turned it ON see! I had only set the temperature for the cooker BEFORE EVEN TURNING IT ON IN THE FIRST PLACE! I was also pissed off to discover that there was only one saucepan in the entire kitchen and I would first have to cook the spaghetti and then the beans. With curses duly muttered, I set about my work with a clenched jaw and pride in my bosom.
Everything proceeded smoothly until- on removing my spaghetti sauce to add to the finished product- I discovered that the tin I had assumed was spaghetti sauce was actually- well spaghetti WITH sauce. I would have killed two birds with one stone if I had just tossed the contents of that tin into the saucepan, but it wouldnt have been as fun and the spaghetti was already bubbling blissfuly away and it seemed rude to disturb it.
To put it in a nutshell, the meal was delicious and I was as pleased as punch with myself. "I would like to thank the Academy and my mother..."

Give me liberty or...erm, milk

Dammnit I demand the right to be silent!
I think we the silent people of this world are much maligned. All we want is peace and quiet most of the time and what do we get? Well a lot of false names thats what! I'm aloof by nature but people always tend to take this the wrong way and assume I'm shy. Well whack me over the head and call me Billy, but is that fair? If I was shy, would I be dancing on my head and wearing a Mexican firefighters costume outside the University nighclub every night? Wait, I think that last part was a dream- my bad....

Arafat is in a critical condition...

So allow me to say WOOO-HOOO!!!
Now there are several thousand punchlines just begging to be let out when we think of poor Arafat lying there in his hospital bed with tubes running in his mouth and nose. The word "defiant" does not spring readily to mind. Im thinking more like:

-Yasser Arafat finally saw a 'piss' plan that he could approve of.
-Arafat was distressed when the Israeli secret service got their hands on photos of him on drag.
-Well we all know there is no way it is a heart problem for obvious reasons
-Doctors said that although Arafat was "at a critical juncture between life and death", he had refused to choose either because the choices had been imposed by the "Zionist oppressors"
-As his life flashed before his eyes, Arafat realized- with tears in his eyes- that he was an asshole.

Meanwhile how exactly can you be in a "stable coma?" CNN should explain that one.

"Release the hounds"

Today 'The Simpsons premiered on Channel 4. Like the cultured gentleman I am, let me express this with all the nuance and class befitting people of my social status- YEAAAAH BABY!!!!
"The Simpsons" is without a sliver of a doubt the greatest TV show in history. I cannot believe I only discovered it a year ago. What had I been doing with my life before then? Whatever it was, it couldnt have been more interesting than watching this totally dysfunctional family get to grips with life not to mention all the weird and wonderful characters of Springfield. Nothing else has given me so many belly laughs and total juvenile joy. Seriously what can you say? The brilliance, lunacy and utter disregard for any boundaries that has been the hallmark for the show is incredible.
I have a soft spot for Monty Burns and so many of the shows outrageously funny moments have come from him. "Release the hounds" is just about one of the funniest running jokes in the whole show and in keeping with the spirit of this blog- namely to just say stupid things at random moments with no apparent objective- Heres one of my all-time favorite scenes. I was laughing FOR DAYS when i first saw it.
Monty tells Smithers to "release the flying monkeys". Smithers opens the window and releases them, but instead of flying they crash right down to the ground below the window.
There is a short uncomforable silence and Burns- in his deadpan Bill Murray way- says "Continue the research"
Quality.

And then Jesus said "What? water? Are you serious....I have an idea!"

A hangover does NOT give you clarity.
I have discovered this time after time. When you wake up in the morning and it sounds like Metallica is holding a concert in your head, you DO NOT achieve inner peace, clarity or oneness with nature.

What Lisa Kudrow didn't know...

I've heard some really weird dreams since I got here. One concerned me explaining the six degrees of separation theory to Lisa Kudrow outside my old house in Uganda. Like, where did that come from?

of drink, African republicans and how Laura, like seriously freaking rocks!

Dammn- I've been trying to post something for an hour! Blogger was down, it was fairly frustrating.
Went out last night, drank white lightning with my bro before leaving and I got there in a nice drunk funk (that rhymes!)It was a good night. I hadnt drunk in quite a while.
Congratulations to Raymond on getting his own blog! Should be a hoot...the first post was very funny. I do warn you: Like Laura and me you will be very addicted to blogging and surrender will be the only viable option.
Laura- Thank you for the very sweet things you said about me on your blog. Drawing on my command of the English language I will respond with this- YOU ROCK! It's been wonderful to know you and I had assumed people like you don't even exist anymore (yes, thats a compliment)As long as you continue eluding the guys in the white coats, i foresee many a demented chat on the horizon and my life will be all the richer for it.

Dang!

The unthinkable has happened- Bush has won. Not only are we saddled with that dimwit for another four years, but Raymond is going to be gloating about it for roughly the same time period. Not fair! Keep in mind I stayed up almost all night and even missed my morning lecture trying to be a part of Kerry's historic win only to see Bush open a major can of whup-ass!
Anyway Liverpool beat Deportivo tonight so I have something to cheer about at least.

My dream soundtrack...

The script is about halfway through and my brother has picked up where I left off. However a very crucial element in every film as you would agree is the soundtrack. I'm sure most filmmakers have the music set out long before the script has been fleshed out (Tarantino probably STARTS with the music and builds from there) Well having spent months thinking about it, I think I have an idea of my dream soundtrack (subject to sudden change of course)

Someday: Sugar Ray
Something good: Bic Runga
They say Vision: Res
Amsterdam: Coldplay
Stranger in Moscow: Michael Jackson
Caravan holiday: Stereophonics
Waiting for you: Seal
Don't forget me when I'm gone: Glass Tiger
Something's always wrong: Toad the wet sprocket.
Clarity: John Mayer
The end of the innocence: Don Henley
Barely breathing: Duncan Sheikh

While I love all those songs, this is NOT a selection of my 12 all-time favourite songs. They are just songs I feel can really work well with certain scenes. Most of the songs are sad because....well its a sad script that's why. 'Amsterdam' by Coldplay is the song I would love to end the film with.

Grappling with land law...

So no, I have NOT had a great evening.
On the other hand, was listening to Virgin Radio and something that has never happened to me before suddenly occured: THREE of my favorite songs were played in a row. 'Africa' by Toto, 'Streets of Philadelphia' by Bruce Springsteen and then to complete the triple whammy 'End of the innocence' by Don Henley. I haven't really been listening to Virgin but dammn, they are doing enough to win me over.
Only on radio (This was 210 FM) meanwhile can you hear the strange story of the married man who made the mistake of wearing a woman's outfit one day 'for fun' and wound up having the greatest sex he had ever had with his wife who presumably was turned on by the whole thing. Things did not end there- wifey has been hinting in a not-so-subtle manner that she would like the man of the house to wear feminine clothes on a more regular basis and has been doing things like buying him distinctly feminine clothes. Poor guy will never hear the end of it. He called in sounding so miserable asking how he was going to get out of being wifey's bitch so to speak.

congratulations....

To Laura for getting her own blog up and running....consider me a regular visitor! http://mihayola.blogspot.com/
And yes seems the comments are actually working now- Raymond's latest slice of insanity being the first anonymous post to grace this sorry excuse of a weblog.
I'm probably not going to blog too much tonight- Like everyone else I'm going to be glued to the TV following every delicious twist in the US election. Raymond is the only person I know who is hoping for a Bush victory and if the bugger loses, it will be extra sweet to have the satisfaction to rub it in.

Yes comment....

I fixed the comments problem so you can actually post comments now. Disregard the post below!

No comment...

Yes, as my three or so visitors might have noticed by now, this blog does not allow anonymous comments. Seems you have to have a blogspot account before you can post any comments so tough luck. Frankly I don't really care!

and winner of the 'I'm glad that's not my field' award...

Here is a line from my sister's letter of application for something or other in her department which made me giggle.
"I would like to be considered for a placement in the field of nematode resistance"
Maybe it's just me...

Thank you Laura...

For the suprisingly sage advice on how not to lose my soul!

Raymond- that's six stories in the can. Are you banging down publishers doors yet? If not, what the hell are you waiting for? And I hope you have learned your lesson about making suprise phone calls.

Sunny- You are a Manchester United fan so insanity from you is not that suprising. Everything you have told me will be taken with enough salt to kill a whale.

Simpsons, soccer etc..

Simpsons are coming to Channel 4 this Friday- whoooo! Everything suddenly seems a whole lot rosier now..

Heard a great quote from Paul Merton on 'have I got news for you' this Friday. Jesus was black because:
-He called everybody 'brother'
-He loved gospel music
-He couldnt get a fair trial.

On a completely different note what a horrific injury to poor Djibril Cisse- I saw it on TV and it did not make for family viewing or any kind of viewing for that matter. I'm not usually squeamish but that was some really nasty shit.
However now that he's going to be out for the rest of the season, we really need a striker to back Milan Baros out. I'm still really shattered that Owen left, and it's going to be tough to find someone to fill his boots.
And it's so good to see Arsenal eating humble pie. One point from two games is going to give me a week of blissful sleep...