hey man, now you're really living

I have decided to go for the Easter formal dinner.
This being the first formal I will attend in my three years at Wantage, it marks a historic moment. The truth was I didnt have a suit jacket so previously it was a good enough excuse to dodge the formal dinners, but after Vid offered to lend me one I eventually relented. This is how I found myself standing in the blistering cold at 8.20 am this morning lining up for a ticket. Looks like I am actually going to go through with this.
And we are currently having hall elections so the place is covered with posters some of which are funny but many of which try and fail desperately. Some of the funny ones: James running for librarian promising to 'expand the sex toys and porno collection', the woman running for International rep has a series of ads from people all over the world including one which says 'Chris from the Carribean is voting for Mei- are you?' since when was the Carribean a country? another guy lists one of his qualities as 'being able to count bricks'. This should be interesting...

Fernando Morientes.
What happens when your club sings a striker who...erm..CANT SCORE GOALS? There are few sadder sights in football today than watching Fernando Morientes trying to recapture his past glory at Liverpool. The man looks like he couldn't score in a brothel in Thailand on a New year's eve if he had an American Express card taped to his forehead. What on earth happened to him? Forget all the other big mysteries in life- when did Morientes suddenly become shit? How much work did he put in the training ground to learn how to shoot or head directly at the goalie everytime he gets the ball? Please Rafa, please get rid of him now.

Random moments from the week:
So this girl- who shall not be named- walks into the dining hall. No one in the group really likes her so Q starts getting up to go "If she comes here, I'm fucking leaving" is how she put it.
"No- dont go!" Vid says in desperation "If you do, I'll be an easy target!" it gets a big laugh and thankfully for all, the girl sits somewhere else. Vid is talking as if he is some kind of rogue spy marked for assasination by his own government. This is not true.
This girl eventually crops up again later in the conversation when someone asks Quena who she would save if her cat and the girl were hanging off a cliff and she could only save one of them. "My cat of course!" She says instantly and no one can quite believe their ears.
"Well what is she going to contribute to society?" Quena asks and she actually has to cover her mouth to stop herself from digging an even deeper hole. Sometimes once people get going, it's hard for them to stop.
"Well your cat doesn't contribute anything except a poo every morning and night" Vid retorts "I can't believe you Quena- wer'e talking about another human being here"
It's hard to tell just how serious she is.

Leo talking about a krispy Kreme donut: "It's heaven...orgasmic...put it in the microwave for seven seconds..EXACTLY seven seconds not a millisecond less and then....ohhhhhh....I'll never forget my first time..." He got some odd looks, especially since he was making a face very similar to the one Meg Ryan made famous in When Harry met Sally

And another of those only-at-the-table conversations(I think everyone's brain just switches off at dinner really): what superpower would you have if you could choose one? Louisa said the power of flight and I agreed but Leo didn't.
"What's the point? It's freezing up there anyway. I'll tell you what would really be cool-invisibility"
Well it has its upsides I guess, but is is really particularily necessary?
"Yeah because then you could just walk into a place and take something"
Hang on- are you saying you would use your new-found superpowers to steal stuff? What the hell kind of superhero would that make you?
"Maybe" I suggested "Instead you could become some kind of robin Hood- steal stuff from the rich and then give it to the poor people"
Leo thinks about this for a few seconds.
Then he says "Now that would just be pointless"

pack't like sardines in a crushed tin box

Saturday afternoon and here I am winding up my criminology essay. I'm distracted because I am listening to the Ricky Gervais podcast at the same time. Gervais has had 12 of these over the last three months together with Karl Pilkington and Steve Merchant. To say its funny does not even begin to cover it.
Yesterday was the Harry Potter formal dinner and of course I didnt go for the actual dinner. I ended up going for a law school formal with Louisa-another person, it turns out, who has the nokia 3210- for a talk by Javaid Rehman who apparently is some kind of superstar in the realm of Human rights. He was giving a talk on human rights and terrorism which was relevant to my writing credit. Later on there were questions and some loud guy at the back started aggressively scolding Rehman for wanting to apply due process of law to suspected terrorists. Why should we treat them with due process of the law if they don't respect it themselves? he asked.
And Louisa said "Because otherwise we'll descend to their level"
The entire room started clapping for what seemed like ages and poor Louisa turned bright red. She was a big star after that and people were coming up to her and congratulating her. It couldn't happen to a better person though- she's genuinely really nice.
But anyway Harry Potter. My brother had a very good question "When did Harry Potter night become naughty students night?" most of the girls were wearing very skimpy outfits. I've seen the films and read some of the books, and I'm pretty sure none of the girls in there went around casting spells while dressed like an extra from a porn film. Later on some drunk guys took off their shirts and started singing very loudly in the center of the bar(a situation which later escalated to something I don't want to discuss right now as I try to recover from hearing about it) It was not necessarily the best place to be hanging out while sober because the bar was heaving with drunk and loud people so we fled to Tommy.B's room later on where we watched American dad. When my brother and I end up talking to Tommy.B, we always wind up comparing notes on how we grew up and marvel at the differences.
I am often reminded of this gap when I talk to my English friends and we accidentally realize what different worlds we have grown up in. I'll never forget the look on Elly's face when I first told her I'd ever had malaria.
"What....you ACTUALLY got it? My God, thats horrible! how old were you?"
"Well I got it many times while I was growing up. It was just something you dealt with"
She was literally open-mouthed in stunned shock and she was looking at me as if I had survived a plane crash and then swam through a river full of piranhas. She's never even seen a mosquito before, let alone killed hundreds like I have.
Still reading Tristram Shandy. Im on page 200 and the guy who is telling the story hasnt even been born yet, but its a very daring and funny book and I've really got into it.
Listening to Amnesiac the one Radiohead album I'd been missing all this time. It's pretty good and as ambitious and complex as everything else they have ever done aside from pablo Honey which is the weak link but is excused since it was their first album. I clicked immediately with Pyramid song which has some beautiful words ("I jumped into the river what did I see/black-eyed angels swimming with me")it makes me happy to know that few people will ever really discover Radiohead-wer'e just a small, lucky crowd.

We, the uncool

I am suprised to discover that Tona regularily visits my site- presumably looking in vain for some sign of intelligent life or making sure I do not shame the family name in which case she is almost comically late. However she has been bugging me repeatedly about a recent post that didnt make much sense to anyone except me. She actually run up to me when I was having dinner a few days ago, grabbed me by the shoulder and hissed in my ear "Minega, WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT?" I'm thinking I should keep writing those kinds of posts until I have driven everyone away from the site so I can reclaim it for myself but also just to annoy her a bit.
This might not turn out to be such a bright idea because Tona seems to think I am genuinely insane- at least slightly. She seems even more suspicious that everytime she sees me I seem as normal as anyone else and she hunts for signs that I have lost touch with humanity. Explaining to her that posting something in code ON MY OWN WEBSITE does not exactly mean I am mad doesn't really convince her. Poor girl is going to be disappointed to discover that not only am I very sane, I am actually a lot more sane than she is.
Tona has also embarked on the doomed path of trying to change my image- many have tried and failed. "I really should get you a pair of new jeans" She said the other day when she spotted a faded pair I was wearing. She mentioned this to Teta later on "Never mind jeans" Teta says "I think we need to get him a new pair of shoes!" and on it goes. My sisters are trying to make me cool- talk about a doomed experiment.
The real symbol of my lack of cool is my phone- believe it or not, I still have the Nokia 3210, a phone that a thief would return to you if he mugged you. No one uses these phones anymore- the only other person in the world I know using it is Quena who is similarily disinterested in all this new-phones nonsense. This phone is now so ancient that this is the model Shakespeare was rumoured to be in possesion of when he was churning out his classics. Then again there is someone lower on the scale when it comes to mobiles. Christa had one of those old motorola phones in Kigali- the famous 'cyombo'- although I assume she has upgraded by now. The phone revolution passed me by a long time ago.
But all this- the old phone, the less-than-fashionable dress sense...Yes, I am a member of the uncool. Am I proud of it? Sometimes when I'm not too distracted. Cool passed me by long time ago. It gave a little wave and then it was gone just like that. It's not a conscious effort to not be cool, but just that I really cant be bothered and the rebel in me rejects it. There are enough cool people in the world. I am just one of the few trying to restore the balance on the other side.

All I want to do is make a toasted cheese sandwich

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life, some of which I am unfortunately proud of and others which I sweep into a closet marked DO NOT OPEN and leave said closet guarded by an evil monkey with an attitude problem. However only occasionally do I repeatedly do something that I know is stupid- and infact dangerous- but carry on doing it anyway.
One such thing is making toasted cheese sandwiches in the toaster.
Now there is a specific item to carry out this function-I think its called a sandwich maker- but we don't really have it in my kitchen so that invention means nothing to me and I have been forced to improvise. What I do is get a slice of cheese, slip it between two slices of bread and then put it directly into the toaster (and you need to get the right size of bread or they won't fit in the toaster and you will look foolish). This is a stupid thing to do because when the cheese melts and gets into the toaster, anything could happen and it is unlikely to be something that will be beneficial to mankind. Sure I'll have my toasted cheese and I'll enjoy it, but I could also burn down the kitchen and cause some kind of electrical catastrophe. These are the risks one takes when figuring out how best to eat bread. You could just go with chocolate spread which is cool. You could go for plain toast which is equally commendable and then you could try and make a toasted cheese sandwich and risk screwing up the toaster for good.
The first time I told a friend of mine about this many months ago, I first got a strange look and something like 'Minega, why on earth do you do that?'Then a few seconds later after a bit more thought she said 'Actually, that's a bit clever...'

Stange topic of the week revolved around one question: If you were declared insane and given a padded cell, what colour would you choose? It started off between Rich and I but we couldn't come to any firm conclusions although we agreed that a rainbow kind of pattern would only make matters worse. Quena joins us. What colour then Q?
"Blue" She says instantly. She sounds almost as if she has given this serious thought before.
Then Vid arrives and as soon as he sets down his tray, he gets the same question.
"Well...." He drifts off thinking about it (and it is credit to him that he takes this in his stride and doesn't take off to sit on another table)"I think I'd go for light green"
Great, just what you need when you are declared insane- go to sleep dreaming of avocado.
Then Tommy.B comes strolling in. Colour?
"I think I'd ask for white" He says. He too doesn't bat an eyelid to discover that we are talking about padded cells at dinner.

The law wars

Over the last three weeks, a remarkable war has raged between law students entirely by email. It all started harmlessly enough but somehow turned into a proper slanging match and was only ended when the IT department of the university stepped in which is a pity as it had kept me very entertained for weeks. These are the highlights;

LAURENCE: My name is Laurence Lewis and I am conducting an online survey as part of
my third year project. If you would like a chance to win £50 (and help out a stressed 3rd year biological sciences student =)) then click the link below. It is a straight forward opinion survey, is easy to fill out and will only take 10-15 mins of your time.
JACK: No I won't.
RICH:For fuck's sake. If you're going to - Reply to SENDER ONLY. Nobody want six
million shit e-mails in their inbox!
JACK: Youve just proved my point old son. You going to reimburse me the few minutes of my life I wasted looking at
your tripe?
RICH: Apologies,Ironically, that was meant to go to the SENDER only! I am very sorry ifi've upset anyone. I just hate having to trawl through crap and go through
the - delete - purge - task everytime i check my e-mails.Sorry everyone
CRAIG: i love handbags
MARTIN: It's like a deranged forward...just keeps going round and round with nobody
heeding the first instruction. Apologies to all, but I couldn't resist
wading in (ps Craig...handbags have a certain Wildean appeal don't they
lol),
JT: Mr. Mesh once infamously quoted, "Make love, not war"
CRAIG: are you suggesting that we all make love? whilst it's an attractive
proposition, i'm not sure if that's the solution to our problems
lbu05lhs: Count me in! I'm down with that shit!
TIM: Guys and girls as amazing as this email thing is, i will ask one thing: no
more replies -or if you want to please take me off the loop. I do not need
rubbish like this cluttering up my email folder. Don't reply to this email
-if you don't agree then just cut me off the list then carry it on to your
hearts content. Thanks
R.T.AMITH: Theres always one lezza that wants to ruin the fun!!
I think this is a grate way to unite the university! lets all do coffee!!
ANNIE: that would be one hell of a coffee queue
MARTIN: Truly this is becoming one of the maddest strangest chat cum Guinness record
love making / coffee drinking marathon I have ever had the interest and / or
enjoyment of being involuntarily involved with.
CJ: GUYS CHAIN LETTERS/SPAM ETC. GOT BORING ABOUT 8 YEARS AGO BYE GUYS!
SJ: oh my goodness me, please stop my head is going to explode. I keep
thinking I have friends that love me but its all you randomers! please desist with the reply to all, hyporcritical I know!
R.T.SMITH: You ever get that feeling that your heart is crushed? Im not talking about
a cardiovascular symptom here, but a psychological pain. It kills me to see people objecting to the communal email exchange. A day when we share banter between the mail of 'Careers fairs', 'work experience
days', 'essay deadlines' is a day we should rejoyce.
I resent the cunts who object, I disagree with the twats who reject, I
critique the fuckers who deny...I stand united with those who reply!!
Today will no longer be know as a Reading Holiday, but today is the day we
fight for our right to reply....TODAY IS EMAIL REPLY DAY!!! [adaptation of
the presidential speech in independence day] PS Appologies, im pissed!!
MARTIN: Really RT Smith...we'd never have guessed. Pissed at midday or just a slow
delivery system? Shall we come to know...some would wish not I would opine.
Nonetheless it is just a bit of harmless fun and the delete button is but a
click for the uninterested...
DMH: I must say this whole chain email thing is getting very boring!!
Believe it or not i actually have much better things to do on a sunday
afternoon than trawl through hundreds of pointless messages. Like sleeping,
smoking, work even! anything but NOT thisNow im sure this thing was fun at first but maybe, just maybe it is getting
a little old now!!!!!please feel free to carry on with ur little game but remove my name fromthe list if u insist on continuing.
VICKY: RT SMITH FAN CLUB MEETING - /Mondial-Tuesday --- who is in?!?!
R.T.SMITH: Vicky, I appreciate the fan club meeting!! I'm honoured!!
You mite want to mention some of the services I offer at the meeting;
Speech writing
Legal commentator
Morris Dancing teacher
Heterosexual orgies
Pet training
Karoke Pro
Dispute resolution
Waxing
Private eye
Meatloaf critic
and booty call'ist
ZAB: WOah! either Iv just read thru like 50 of them ost hilarious emails ever,
or im tripping out from too much essay work...probs ab it l8 in the crazy
email banter chat thing for people clearly bored out of there minds!...But
im bored now and i want in!! vicky i like your way of thinking, but im not
sure how realistic your suggestion is! As for the makinglove not war thing, whoever suggested we all make love, u might wanna try moving away from this web page and to another that may help your mind to purge that filthy suggestion!
apologies to anyone who wishes to not read these emails
SAM: Seriously people, if you want to drivel on at each other all day use a
forum, that's what they're for. It's just inconsiderate to waste people's time like this
LKU: Take me off your bloody list your doing my head in you bastards!
R.T.SMITH: I think lku05on@reading.ac.uk is a prick an should refrain from calling us
all bastards!! To piss him off more, please continue to send him further
emails.
ZAB: i cant believe the president of the law society would complain about
recieving these life fufiling email...and then advertise the law society
website on his email while doing so...
SAM: Grow up
RJA: Such hostility…
AG: Dear all, I feel the need to inform you that your frequent emails have
wider consequences that you may not realise.Due to HUNREDS of emails ive
had to trawl through during the last week, i have been forced to spend an
obscene amount of time on my computer. This has meant that i have missed
all lectures and tutorials from this week! When i leave Reading uni with a
third because you've all destroyed my will to live, i WILL find you ALL and
BEAT you within an inch of your LIFE! U FUCKING CUNTS!!!! (I hope, with
enough vituperation, someone will get offended n block me!!)Stop being..
(VERY BAD LANGUAGE HERE FOLLOWED BY ABOUT TWENTY 'FUCK OFF's)
Chris: Well someones clearly a twat, if u had a such a bad time reading the first
few why would you carry on reading them all, there are plenty of them
afterall! I think you just wanted a quick moment in the lime light.
Tim: For the last time - please remove all those who wish to be removed if you
want to carry this on. I don't want to be involved and have to remove a lot
of emails from my inbox everyday.Thanks in advance and hopefully i'll never hear from you lot again! Have fun!
ZAB: who the hell is RT smith and how very cunning of u, this is one sexy scheme!
ESU: Please make it stop
R.T.SMITH: May I second all the comments made by supporters of this scheme. And may I
also second the comments made by those regarding Sam Davies.
I wont be revealing my identity as I fear retribution from the critics of
this scheme. But support for the chain emails is grately appreciated.
KEVIN: You are a wanker mate
JAD: TO EVERYONE who finds this hilarious. IT'S NOT. IT'S DAMN ANNOYING. GROW UP!
Jesus Christ.. Anyone'd think this is bloody playschool...
CHRISTINE: As you beg to be removed from the mailing list YOU generated 4 emails that
need not have been sent. The emails flying around are not from one individual so you can't beremoved by each and every person who decides to take advantage of it.
Further, if everyone just stopped asking to be removed from the list from
this omnipresent god, then we would all have significantly less junk emails
in our inboxes to have to delete.
MIRIAM: i dont know who you dudes are or what the fuck this shit is that keeps
turning up in my inbox, but i am not in any damn law soc, i do philosophy,
and can you take me off this list please.
This is tedious
SC: remove me as well
NEIL: I have never known so many thick shits in my life. u can't be taken off the
list,and it is u dick heads asking to be removed that is causing the
problem. every time u email, u send it to everyone.
AMM: Unless my name is removed i have taken legal measures and asked
university administrators to cancel all email addresses invlolved
AL: My God, how retarded are you people? I never knew people could be THIS
bloody stupid!!! How the hell did you get into the University of Reading?
Never mind that, how the hell did you make it past 1st grade??? I'm
serious!
NOBODY IS SPAMMING YOUR INBOXES EXCEPT FOR YOU! TWO PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY
POINTED THIS OUT AND NOW ITS TAKING A THIRD AND IF ANY OF YOU RESPOND AFTER
THIS, YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY SEEK HELP!
WE HAD ONE OR TWO MESSAGES ABOUT COFFEE AND EVERYTHING ELSE AFTER THOSE
INITIAL MESSAGES HAS BEEN NOTHING MORE THAN PEOPLE ASKING TO BE TAKEN OFF
THE LIST! DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? STOP REPLYING AND ALL WILL BE WELL! FOR
THAT PERSON ABOUT TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION, WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SUE UNDER THE
LAW OF NUISANCE? YOURSELF? BECAUSE YOU ARE PART OF THIS PROBLEM!
STOP REPLYING! I TRULY HOPE NOBODY REPLIES AFTER THIS OR I WILL SERIOUSLY
LOSE All HOPE IN THE FUTURE OF MANKIND!!!
MD: U can keep me on the mailing list if you want you sad bunch of class A
tossers but I think its well sad that you lot are doing this and as it is
royally pissing a lot of people off y dont u just stop it and go back to
watchin teletubbies u fuckin nob jockeys. Hope I havn't offended any1!Peace
and love
AL: BLOODY HELL! Nobody is spamming you! You are all spamming yourselves by
being asked to be taken off the list!Now LISTEN! There were one or two emails about coffee and whatnot and the 200 that followed were people being asked to be taken off the list! Do you not realise that YOU ARE CAUSING THE PROBLEM YOU HATE SO MUCH?
ED: U can keep me on the mailing list if you want you sad bunch of class A
tossers but I think its well sad that you lot are doing this and as it is
royally pissing a lot of people off y dont u just stop it and go back to
watchin teletubbies u fuckin nob jockeys. Hope I havn't offended any1!Peace
and love
RJA: Ed, I feel that you need to purchase a dictionary because it seems that you
have difficulty in spelling the most simplest of words. You are a
university student ( be it a 1st year) and you should be beyond this chav
text speak you use in your email.
Y is actually WHY and any1 is ANYONE. Obviously you are the one who is
watching teletubbies as you are spelling like an infant.
You are obviously not that lazy as you can be arsed to send an email, but
yet you are to lazy to correctly use the english language.
There is a massive building on whiteknights known as a library, I suggest
that you go in there and read some books and familiarise yourself with
english again.
ESU: Please remove as well. I dont know anything about it and i never ask for
it. Please remove me, Thank you! PS:-Im deaf as well.
HELEN: Sorry to anyone who doesn't want to receive this. But please remove me from
the list, as if I receive anymore junk mail, I too will be contacting the
university to take action
CH: Figure I might as well jump on the band-wagon. To Ross "Shadrack" Smith and
all his mates : brilliant. This is hialrious. To whoever sent the message
replying to Ed... IF YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE AN E-MAIL SPECIFICALLY TO TELL
SOMEONE TO USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY, READ IT THROUGH FOR
MISTAKES!! "you are to lazy to correctly use the english language...."
Um...hate to point it out to you Sexy, but shouldn't that be "TOO lazy?!!?"
Now, pipe down and stop moaning. Spend your time working on the
differentiation between "to" and "too".
IT Services: Dear all, I am fully aware of all the issues you have recently experienced with bulk
email. Most of this email is due to the number of students replying asking for
the email to stop.
I thank all those students that have had restraint and continued to put up with
the excessive number of emails they have been receiving on this list.
Please refrain from sending any further bulk emails. Failure to do so will
result in your University Username being blocked.

i found out about you

Are we there yet?
smoke, snakey-Bs, playboy bunnies, strobe lights...as a kind of subconscious celebration of Liverpool's win earlier in the day, this seems fitting somehow. "I see you made the effort"
"Can you tell who I am?" Erm..not really. Oh yes, pipe, robe..Hugh Heffner! No, I didn't guess but I should have.But how do you know my name though?
There's a coin at the bottom now. "Drink! Drink! drink!" that's the second time I have to gulp it down. The first time, bastard nearly beat me to it and on a full pint as well. A man of honour explains himself. I am also gratified to learn that my fears linking them were off the mark."We are going to do something in week ten" seems a pity that I hadn't really talked to you before.
There's always a siren..."When you talk I just write it all down" "Are you pulling my leg?" perhaps not the best choice of words. Did he just say Oracle though? Well doesn't matter because it's already worth it. Sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn. I must say I didn't see that coming- textbook example of a classic ambush. Five or six? I don't think I made a mistake anymore, but I'm not sure I actually doubted it in the first place. You can very easily fool yourself if you have the energy. Driftwood. What would you get if you crossed Kafka with Family Guy? Or Thom Yorke with inspector Clouseau? I'm going to go to sleep and let this all wash over me.

Whatever is left...

Something I discovered today- you can run on water if you've put enough custard in it. It was also a sentence I never quite thought I would hear in my life but which caught my ear at lunchtime today sitting near Murray and a chatty guy who's name I don't quite know but who once told me an amusing story about the way his girlfriend stalks him. The custard story meanwhile had a bit too much science for my understanding but Murray seemed to know what he was talking about although he emphasized that you would have to run and not walk. I will store this info under my 'you might need this incase you ever need to run across water' file in my head. Come on, you know you all have that.
At the EU tutorial earlier in the week: "Does anyone remember the full name of the Internationale case? It's Handegellschaft- spelled in the usual way" I don't think our tutor will get a bigger laugh than the one he got after that. Incidentally my EU tutorial is the quietest tutorial I have ever been in. Nobody wants to say a word and it gets quite awkward after a while. I contribute a lot more in tutorials this year than I did last year when I accidentally took a vow of silence (it's a long story and also a made-up one so I won't go into it)and in the EU tutorials, only some guy called Geoff and I actually participate at all. Geoff is in my criminology tutorial as well and the two of us plus a guy called Nick were supposed to prepare a presentation on schizophrenia and offending for Thursday. We knew we could count on Nick because no one talks as much as Nick does and he does this in every class and tutorial- just starts talking and goes on and on so we thought we wouldn't even have to do any talking when the time came. However come the day and of all people to absent themselves was Nick so Geoff and I had to wing our way through but luckily we had each done separate components of the question so we meshed quite well. A close call in any case.
More comic gold moments at dinner tonight. I was telling everyone about a cruel game some of my friends play in club now and again: they compete to see who can kiss the ugliest girl in the club and whoever 'wins' gets some cheap alcohol bought for them. Everyone thought it was pretty scandalous.
"Can you imagine how that girl would feel if she found out?" Quena- not normally known for her sensitivity- asked.
"Well she looks at herself in the mirror everyday- trust me, she knows by now!" said Tommy.B. and everyone on the table just burst out laughing. Tommy B. always has some good lines. Vid and Quena had been bragging about stealing pool sticks from Wells hall (they hid them in their clothes and smuggled them here to the bar because ours were ruined) but they were not saying it directly and were saying things like 'We don't know where they came from...God must have put them in there because we just looked in our clothes and there they were"
"Well it's about time he made himself useful and did something around here!" Tommy B says.
And once many weeks ago, he said something cheeky to Quena who stuck out her middle finger in mock anger and said "Sit on it and rotate"
Tommy B's wonderful reply was "Chances are- I would enjoy it!"
Priceless.

He doesn't sleep- he waits

Valentine's day came and went yesterday. I had a debate with someone about whether it was a true and warm expression of romantic love or merely a capitalist plot to maximise consumerism.
"The thing about it is if you fuck up on Valentine's day, she'll never forget it" someone else said to me later that day "If you are going to screw up, the other 364 days are just fine but try letting her down on Valentine's day.."
Someone else I know said he and his girlfriend had decided not to get anything for each other. "Big mistake" I told him "It's a trick! She still expects you to get her something" "Aaargh man- dont say that!" He said suddenly looking a bit worried. I think I shouldn't have told him that- he looked a bit worried when he left, but I was only joking.
But anyway for the 'single and cool' people- as Quena decided our group was which included me,Leo and Vid-it was just another day. So what's the difference between being single and cool and being single and pathetic? Well says Quena "We are single by choice while the single and pathetic ones are desperate to get someone but can't". Erm..okay.
Vid, Quena and I went for a drink later on and I got back and watched Prison Break (which has become essential viewing) while having coffee, bread and hobnob biscuits (which will be the subject of its own post). What kind of fool drinks coffee at midnight? Later on sitting and reading The Guardian on my bed with The bends on the radio, it occurs to me that wer'e not necessarily single and cool, but something much more important- wer'e single and happy. It wasn't exactly a 'Eureka' moment but I was satisfied and my work for the day was done.
However others were busier on Valentine's day like the clueless guy who tried to kill himself by crucifixion. He made a wooden cross and put it on the ground and then set to work by nailing one hand onto the cross. It was at this point he realized that he couldn't nail his other hand as well since- like the rest of us- he only had two of them and one was nailed to the cross already. He had obviously not thought his suicide through very properly. In the end he called 911 although whether he called them to seek medical help or to help him nail his other hand on to complete his suicide is still a mystery. Sitting on my bed with the paper, I can certainly count myself lucky that unlike our unfortunate friend there, I am not trying to crucify myself on a self-made wooden cross.

The tale of the doomed racer and also the bendy pencil and Fishcotheque

I spent most of Saturday afternoon watching the winter olympics. One might reason that it was a symptom- and an unmistakable one as far as symptoms go- of excessive boredom but you would be wrong as usual. It's addictive viewing- totally absurd and comically silly but entertaining anyway.
The highlight of the proceedings so far was the unfortunate Mark Hatton during the luge. The luge entails lying on a small sled with your head and your legs hanging over the side and then you start by pushing yourself downhill with your hands and then you guide yourself down a long narrow enclosed downhill slope. Obviously you must have severe mental deficiencies to even do something this insane, but it turns out there are quite a few people who would willingly risk their lives in this way.
Anyway our dear friend Mark Hatton- who is representing this great nation in which I currently reside and from where I am launching plans for world domination that already have a blueprint but no sponsor- gets on the sled and whoosh down he went. Then halfway something goes wrong and he gets knocked off his sled. he got up and began to kind of walk around it wondering what on earth he was going to do now. He had to get himself back on it and then push himself down for a few seconds until he could start sliding again but for those few seconds when things got fucked up, he was quite a sight. The look on his face was priceless. I could see him thinking 'Here I am sliding down a mile long narrow concrete path on a sled that barely covers half my body at 70 m/hr and now I look like an utter idiot fucking things up halfway- was this really a wise idea?' Needless to say he did not win any medals.
And then there's figure skating. Opera on ice is what it is- so melodramatic but graceful and unlike opera nobody gets stabbed and sings a profound but cheesy song before they expire. There is no blood here or window-shattering voices, but dodgy music, graceful dancing and wonderful outfits not to mention stupendous tricks. When you see a guy toss a woman into the air and then grab her and hold her above his head WHILE SKATING IN A CIRCLE TO SOME MUSIC then you have to say- "respect"

Jurisprudence today: The bendy, wobbly magic pencil, whether poison is effective in dealing with relationship problems, am I becoming a feminist?, stage 2 and 3, the flower, moon and snowflake argument.


"But it could work see- they go in and party for most of the night and then buy fish on the way out. You've got people who want to go out and have a good time and people who want to go and buy fish- why don't you put the two together?"
"But then it's got to be the whole package- you don't want to have people coming in and then not doing any partying but just buying some fish and taking off. That would be wrong"
"Yeah you would need rules to keep the system from collapsing"
"And you could also have people who do the club thing but not get any fish which would again miss the point"
"It could work"

The world as will and representation

Adam is back from his little mini-holiday and he is a changed man. When he left, he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but now here we are Thursday lunchtime and he's raising his arms to the heavens and looking up into the sun.
"I feel so alive" He says " Look around you- it's such a beautiful day!"
Leo and I are looking at each other with a 'do you want to tell him or shall I?' expression but we don't want to burst his bubble. He is right after all- it is a beautiful day and why not celebrate it? It's just that you won't see us spreading our arms and mumbling this in the courtyard where everyone walking by or anyone with a suitable placed window can look and shake their heads while wondering why Wantage doesn't have a more effective vetting system to weed out the nutters. Incidentally, is it possible to have excessive sanity? Because that's what might have happened to Adam. From nearly going mad to going absolutely and scarily sane, and he's even quit smoking.
I think it might be spring already. The sun has been out for about four days straight but it's confusing because it's still fairly cold. Having to wear a jacket while the sun is shinning merrily above you is just as confusing as hell.
Sightings: a group of white ducks on the lake in two precise formations standing absolutely still...a cat(that looked incredibly similar to Garfield) squaring up to a squirrel on a garden wall

Leo at dinner today pointing at the green jelly-ish thing that was being offered to us for dessert "I don't know what that is, but I know it came from a spaceship"

Best news of the week- U2 winning all those grammies. Bono had a good line "If you think this is going to get to our heads, it's too late". But seriously what's happened to music? I was looking at the list of nominees and I got a headache. There's so much shit out there it's frightening.
But anyway U2- 'Vertigo' was merely an okay song but then they released 'Sometimes you can't make it on your own' and then I knew they were really back- absoutely beautiful. I'm glad to see they got a grammy for that song and also a nice shiny one for 'City of blinding lights' which spent a worrying amount of time in my head for much of last term ('ooooooh..you...look...soo...beauuuuutiful tonight')but only because it was another amazing song.
So maybe bird flu isn't going to herald the end of the world, but it looks like some guy drawing cartoons in Denmark is going to do just that. I think burning flags is the ultimate display of childishness and utter stupidity. Can you imagine how many other priorities these people have in their lives? Most are probably poor and unemployed and face all the familiar third world issues and yet there they are burning flags and marching in the street OVER A CARTOON. In London, we had people holding signs saying 'Behead those who insult Islam' how sick is that? Go live in a fucking cave then you piece of slime and please don't breed when you get there. The funniest story in all this was the guy who dressed as a suicide bomber during the protest in London and ended up on the cover of every newspaper in the country with everyone calling him a sicko of the highest order which was true- there are single-celled amoeba at the bottom of ponds with more intelligence than someone like that. Anyway the funny part-it turns out he was on parole for selling drugs. At first he refused to apologize and then he did but by then it was too late- he was back in jail for violating the terms of his parole. Not only a sick man, but utterly stupid- joining a protest match with a suicide bomber's belt while you are out of jail on parole? Talk about a bad idea.
I love the smell of justice in the morning....

"Something big is going to happen"

No text.

"I'm really glad to see you here"

I can't believe I went out again on Saturday. What is happening to me? That's two weekends in a row!
Anyway I realized on Saturday night that you can tell how drunk a person is by the strength and duration of the hug especially when you are dealing with people you don't really know. Basically you can draw up a mathematical equation using the factors above and you'd be dead right.
Proof of this occurs about five minutes after I walk- or should I say stagger- in. There we are suddenly hanging on to each other and hugging as if our very lives depended on it and yet we had barely exchanged two words to each other before that night. I'd be dammed if I know anything other than her name and a few modules we happen to be sharing but we chattered on incoherently for a short while. Such are the dangers/wonders of alcohol. I'm not entirely sure we can look each other in the eye after that. And right before my brother and I leave- I can't remember much of what happened the rest of the night except a lot of dancing and snatched conversations that made no sense- we order chips and there's no ketchup or mayo or any sauce whatsoever. This sounds like a very minor thing, but when you are drunk and hungry and THERE IS NO KETCHUP you could very easily write your uni dissertation on the importance of ketchup at 1.30am to the wider community of drinkers. I was looking longingly at the discarded ketchup satchets on the next table. I also recall that I tucked away all those chips without the benefit of a fork and even without ketchup, it went down so well that I nearly started a musical on the spot.
And what a hangover the next day. Matters are not helped by watching Chelsea beat Liverpool 2-0. Why play Peter Crouch as a sole striker? That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Chelsea are just too good, dammn them.
But anyway the hangover- I was feeling so bad the next day that I eventually threw up at half-time. I did this in the toilet I normally don't use and the reason I don't use it is because it reminds me very distinctly of a torture chamber. You can barely see the roof since its bloody high but the room itself is barely wide enough to stand in and believe me this combination makes it possibly the creepiest toilet outside of Transylvania. This is where I found myself vomiting uncontrollably on Sunday afternoon although I was not stupid enough to make rash promises like deciding to quit drinking. The toilet doesn't even have a proper flush handle, but you have to pull this chain on the side that looks like something from the seventeenth century. Do peeople actually use this place? And then I get back and Chelsea score another goal and its curtains for us. Reina gets sent off after Robben goes down from a slight push in the face.

But I'm not going to talk about that because one must not wallow in defeat. Infact, one must not wallow at all as that should generally be left to pigs who coincidentally have nothing better to do except to wallow. There is however really bad news though, slightly worse than Liverpool losing to Chelsea- The final episode of The thick of it It is not often in my life that I have felt compelled to do the whole sackcloth-and-ashes thing from the bible to show my misery, but removing this show from my life is very unfair. Without the comic genius of The thick of it every Monday, how am I to go on? And why should we pay our license fee if the best things on the BBC are gone in a matter of weeks? hang on, I dont actually pay a license fee. Strictly speaking I am an outlaw.
This has been the best thing on TV by a country mile and now it's gone. Will life ever be the same again?

Don't believe anyone-certainly not me

Sometimes you watch something that completely changes the way you look at the world and makes you look at things in such a radically different way it feels as if you have had some kind of brain surgery.
That's what happened to me last night when I watched Murderball.
This is a documentary about wheelchair rugby. Does that sound strange? You bet it was. I didn't for example know that such a sport actually existed(charmingly called 'murderball' although there was no evidence that anyone had indeed been murdered during the sport)but turns out there is and it's fun to watch. The documentary was mainly about the rivalry between the US and Canada wheelchair teams and their preparations for meeting at the Athens Olympics. There was some added drama in the conflict because the Canadian coach was an embittered American who had defected up North because he hadn't been picked for a tournament. Things got more and more tense as they trained for the big meeting with the USA looking to take revenge for having been beaten in a Championship final about a year previously.
But the documentary was a lot more than just filming quadriplegics determined to carry on playing sport despite their disability. It was the best look at disability I have ever seen. We got to delve into their lives and see how they deal with their disability and also how they do mundane stuff like shop at the supermarket and go out to clubs. I left the film theatre feeling as if my mind had been well and truly blown and you don't get to say that too often these days.

But on an unrelated note, I am absolutely appalled that there is a remake of The Omen set for June of this year. WHY WHY WHY? This is one of the greatest horror films of all time, it was absolutely perfect the way it was (although accidentally watching a scene from the film when I was about four scarred me for the next few years of my life)Why on earth would you want to remake it or tamper with it in anyway? Some films really should not be touched and this is definitely one of them. There's plenty of obscure films being remade right now which no one knows or cares about and that's fine, but when you tamper with The Omen I assure you that I will make a stand. You will not pry five pounds off me that I can promise you.

I was walking past a newsstand the other day and something caught my eye. You know one of those very colourful celebrity magazines that look like they've been printed by a group of enthusiastic monkeys that have learned an adequate amount of English and have bribed authorities with bananas to let them do what they want? Well anyway I saw one of them the other day and on the cover it said JENNIFER ANISTON IN REVENGE PREGNANCY.
Now my mind is open to a lot of concepts and I always want to be educated if it can be done in a reasonable amount of time but what in the name of Ebenezer is a 'revenge pregnancy'? Was this supposed to mean that Jennifer Aniston had decided to get pregnant to take revenge on Brad Pitt for making Angelina Jolie pregnant? Does that actually happen- getting pregnant just to piss off an ex? And should it really be called a 'revenge pregnancy?' And what happens if Brad Pitt then escalates hostilities by getting Angelina Jolie pregnant AGAIN to take his revenge on Aniston's own revenge? What does that pregnancy become? I think I have a headache now.

Odds and ends

First off- Happy birthday Ray! And I repeat- I did not slap you that day at Kindergarten. That's not my style. I'm a pacifist.

Adam is quite literally going mad.
For the last few days, the guy has been going off the rails quite fast. Quena is still refusing to talk to him. Last night I was going to see Corpse Bride at the film theatre with Quena and I was standing outside waiting for her when Adam appears out of the shadows. He had a wild look in his eye and it gave me a real chill. He held up his fist and I saw that he had an ugly wound on his knuckle and it looked like it was still bleeding.
"Look man" He said "I punched the wall..." and then his voice kind of trailed off because he was mumbling. I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I say? Then he mumbled something I couldn't quite hear-but which sounded like a threat to Quena of some kind- and walked off into the night. The entire encounter lasted about ten seconds but it was like something from a horror thriller. Vid and Quena later have a minor fight because Vid wants Quena to chill out but she won't listen to him or anybody else.
And later on when Rich and I were with Quena in her room, Adam suddenly opens the door.
"I just want to say something" He said
"No Adam! I'm not talking to you! Get the fuck away from my door! Rich- kick him out"
Rich wisely decided to abstain from the proceedings and stared straight ahead.
"Just one thing" Adam said.
"Get out" Quena literally jumped over us, more or less pushed Adam out of the doorway and closed the door. I think she shoved him out, but I had decided I was not going to watch what happened because the situation-although it lasted something like thirty seconds- was very very uncomfortable.
I honestly fear for Adam's sanity.
Rich is telling me that he's completely neutral, but I'm telling him that's impossible Whether he knows it or not, he's already taken a side. Who is right or wrong is not the real issue, but it's quite simply who you are closest to. I may not agree with some of Quena's methods, but at the end of the day I will have to take her side as I assume will most people in our immediate circle. Still, it's a real bummer when you have to pick between two friends.
Right afterwards, Quena starts peeling an orange to calm her nerves. Rich makes a face and hides his head underneath his sweater.
"I can't stand oranges" He said "I can't stand the smell"
What happened?
And he tells us that one time when he was four, someone accidentally burned him with a ciggarette while he was eating an orange and since that day he has shunned them.
Now let me get this straight Rich- You got burned with a cigarette right? So why the devil are you taking it out on the poor orange? It was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Why did you not direct your misplaced anger towards ciggarettes- theyr'e the ones that fucked you up! On the one hand you have the ciggarette THAT BURNED YOU and on the other hand the orange that did absolutely nothing except just happen to be there at the time. WHY PICK ON THE ORANGE? What the hell kind of sense is in that?
"I was four!" He protested. No excuse.

My friend 'Pants' (I forget how she got this name)was wondering what to get her boyfriend for his birthday which was yesterday.
"I honestly didn't know what to get him- I'd been thinking of getting a black polo shirt but I noticed he already had one! And I had to take it back to town later on and hunt for something else and it was driving me crazy."
So what did you get him then?
"A trip to Rome"
WHA...
"But that's because I honestly did not have a clue what to do. I think he will like it though"
You think? A trip to Rome? Gosh, I'm not sure. Seriously, thats quite a leap in imagination from shirt to a three day trip to Rome. A guy would expect a DVD or a bottle of wine for his birthday, but a trip to Rome? Not that's some style you got there.