Oscar night

Somehow-Im not quite sure how or why- I managed to stay up for the entire ceremony which was a lot shorter than I can remember. Completely random thoughts:
-How much kissing ass and variations on the 'Im so humbled and honored' theme can you squeeze into three hours without being sued by the general public? There were so many times I nearly ran off for a sick bucket.
-Chris Rock's opening monologue was quite hilarious but afterwards he was suprisingly non-controversial.
-Morgan Freeman winning- what a super-cool guy. You could pay a full cinema ticket to watch him standing around drinking beer.
-Cate Blanchett trying to marry off her kid to Martin Scorcese's in her acceptance speech- That was really really creepy.
-How many songs did Beyonce sing? What was the point?
-Sean Penn is an incredible actor, but he has absolutely no sense of humor. Chris Rock knocking Jude Law WAS A JOKE! Lighten up retard!
-Sharon Osbourne as the Oscar guide on SKY TV was a catastrophic decision- She was so irritating that she nearly derailed the entire show. I couldnt stand her. Worst.host.ever.
-I really really feel for Martin Scorcese. The most brilliant director of the last thirty years still hasnt won an Oscar. What exactly does he have to do, direct a classic film that changes cinema and influences directors for generations to come...Oh wait, hes done that already- at least five times. Please remember that 'Taxi Driver' lost out to...ROCKY! Academy award members should not be allowed near class A drugs when they are voting.
-Best decision of the night has to be Charlie Kauffman finally winning.
-Jamie Foxx gave a very emotional speech, but we all knew he would be up there.
-Did any heterosexual male hear a single word that Salma Hayek was saying? I know I didnt and it wasnt because of the accent....
-Renee Zelwegger looked more than odd- she was almost creepy.

What? You mean my whole fallacy is wrong?

-I found love when I came to University. How can a man possibly resist such temptation and such utter sweetness? I am talking, of course about custard donuts. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Erm..I would if I could remember what one looks like. Yeah custard donuts have definetly been one of the highlights of my time in England. Like the Matrix, you cannot tell someone what the custard donut is- they have to see (and taste) it for themselves. Last night my brother stopped by and left me five of them (automatically guaranteeing himself pride of place in my will) and I carried them up to my room, sat down and devoured them all in one glorious sitting backed up by milk and later some fanta twist when the milk run out. Abraham Lincoln would not have been able to write a speech to convey the epic nature of that moment.
-Oscars tonight- wont be on Terrestrial TV unfortunately so I might have to make do with highlights. I have fond memories of seeing 'Return of the King' win almost everything last year and of course Charlize Theron. However the greatest thing ever said by a winner was Kevin Spacey when he won for 'American beauty'. He said "This is the highlight of my day" The man is a legend.
-There has been some tension between me and my heater of late. What happens is this-the heating is lowered/turned off completely around midnight just when I'm getting into bed with a good book. Not funny I am sure you will agree. Then it gets turned up to levels normally associated with a crematory and I wake up in the middle of the night sweating seriously IN WINTER! Then I have to reach for the window and yank it open while still ninety percent asleep and stick my face out to get some respite. Its bloody annoying.
UPDATE: The Oscars are tomorrow night and not tonight as Kitten helpfully pointed out. My bad.

I'm writing this because I can!

-Today it snowed for the third consecutive day and I suddenly realized something when I was walking back from campus- snow is actually quite beautiful. Really. I had heard this from many people before but I thought it was bullshit until I had my little 'wow' moment today.
- 'Hotel Rwanda' is finally opening here on March 4th- about fucking time is all I can say. There's villages in Nepal that have seen this film before we have.
-Oh yeah and to the schizophrenic reading this- You are super-cool and you know it!

Warning: this post contains football-plenty of it

So Liverpool won 3-1 tonight- YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!! And this without Gerrard or Morientes. I'm doing a little jig as I write this which is making the act of typing this post incredibly complicated. I think the demise of my beloved team has been greatly exaggerated. This is the Champions League we are talking about! Do you hear me? The Champions League! And we are cruising.
There was FA cup this weekend as well but it was marred by quite a bit of violence. Roy Carrol got hit by a coin and went down as if he had been shot. To be fair a coin can be a deadly object if thrown from a distance and I know this from experience.
Also some lunatic run onto the pitch during the Blackburn-Burnley game and fought with a few of the police before being dragged off. It's one thing to take on the police but what on earth was he thinking when he tried to pick a fight with midfielder Robbie Savage? Savage is such a nasty piece of work that Osame Bin Laden has a poster of him in his cave. If the police hadnt intervened to protect that poor trespasser Savage could very easily have got him a toe-tag in ten seconds of violence. Please people if you are reading this do not try and pick a fight with Robbie Savage. There is a good reason why he is one of the most feared players in Europe-The man could have you for breakfast and not even belch afterwards.
Meanwhile Wayne Roonye went back to Everton the team he abandoned for Manchester United and he got the kind of reception that Hugh Heffner would get in Saudi Arabia. You cant help feeling sorry for a nineteen year old kid being subjected to vicious abuse by thousands of fans and some idiot even threw a mobile phone which raises a lot of interesting questions such as 'what the fuck...?'
Oh yeah- there was also the Sheffield United-Arsenal game which was important because it finally revealed Jose Antonio Reyes as the most cowardly player in the premiership. Dennis Berkgamp and a few other Arsenal players were squaring up to some United player and then Reyes-hiding behind Berkgamp- reached around and cunningly delivered a girlie slap. He took off his gloves later on, but TV replays dont lie even though you could hardly see the buggers face. Reyes you might as well wear a skirt while you are at it!
Yeah soccer rules.

The world's most famous stoner is dead

Hunter.S.Thompson is dead. The man who wrote the wonderfully insane 'Fear and loathing in Las Vegas' (which also became a brilliant film with Johnny Depp) apparently blew his brains out. He wasnt exactly a good example for today's youth-in the book based on his actual experience at a Las Vegas convention he does just about every single drug under the sun and is completely out of it from page one right to the end. It's a hilarious book and because he was an incredible writer and the whole thing is so utterly bizzare it's one you can never ever forget. I still wonder how he managed to write it because if he did even half the stuff he claims he did, his brain would have been too fried to write anything, never mind a now legendary book. He also wrote 'Fear and loathing on the campaign trail' about the 1972 American election that is probably the best book about American politics out there. An absolutely crazy guy but a genius anyway.
Oh yeah it snowed today. Just a bit, but enough to remind everyone-incase they had forgotten- that winter is here and it's not going anywhere soon. I'm getting used to having blue fingers actually.
Raymond-call me you idiot. Don't you have my number?

"....and I'm all out of bubblegum!"

Today was possibly the coldest it's been since I came to this country. The Weather center has upgraded the status of this town from 'Cold' to 'yikes!' and I had to walk to campus with all the mobility of a block of ice. This is going to be a long month. The Uni still think its funny to turn the heating off aroud midnight just when I'm snuggled in to do my pre-sleep reading. I have to light a fire next to my bed to stay alive
-Raymond I thought you were kidding about coming to Liverpool you doofus! How about giving me advance warning next time? Watch out- Liverpool is not know for being the safest place in this country and they have an accent that will take you ages to decipher. That aside, welcome to her majesty's kingdom. I don't know if I'll see you but if I don't perhaps its better for you as I will only try and make you drunk just for the hell of it (and also because I havent had a beer in weeks)
I curse a lot, but I have come to the realization that my repeated use of the F word and other equally colorful expressions means I am playing a major role in destroying the English language. Its like if you cant think of the word/sentence you are looking for, some profanity will do just fine. It's got its advantages-great way to relieve stress-but it does limit one's vocabulary. An excellent example is when I read about a guy trying to start his car and failing to do so "This fucking fucker's fucking fucked" was his way of explaining the situation. I'm not sure I want to reach that stage at least not before retirement.
One thing that is really driving me crazy- all those hair product ads. You know the ones that will make your hair 'twice as shiny, three times as soft...' blahblah. And then the next one is like 'ours will make you hair THREE times as shiny and FOUR times as soft and your hair will look so good you could register it as an asset when you get a mortgage' They make up about fifty percent of the ads we get to see and are as annoying as hell.

A totally random list of things that have got me through this academic year...

-Bread- How long have you been there for me?
-The 'Sunday Times' paper: My love for you will never die!
-The Simpsons
-Coldplay
-Telling incredibly stupid jokes and laughing at them myself while everyone else makes a mental note to sit away from me next time.
-Milk
-Some really cool people who know who they are.
-Insomnia
-Having fairly long conversations with myself
-My boxers
-My trusty Television
-Moaning about the food
-Miles Davis- So cool his corpse probably hasnt decomposed yet.
-Procrastination- Bless its cotton socks. Without it we wouldnt get anything done!
-Dangerously long showers

Quote of the week

"How lovely to think that no one need wait a moment, we can start now, start slowly changing the world! How lovely that everyone, great and small, can make their contribution toward introducing justice straightaway... And you can always, always give something, even if it is only kindness!" Anne Frank

adventures in the food queue part 2

Oh yeah me and the cook are friends again. Today at lunch, I discovered that I could not have the rice with the chips-waffles thingy and my world came crashing down because If i had known that when I got into the line I would NOT have picked the rice and icky-sauce combination I had on my plate. I would have got the chips/waffles instead because I actually wanted to eat.
However when I came for dinner, the cook remembered my plight earlier and actually gave me a double helping of chips (the real ones this time)Understand that the cooks actually taking pity on you and giving you more than they usually do is about as rare an occasion as seeing Roy Keane in a skirt. It was an emotional moment for everyone involved.
So basically me and the cook are buddies again. It's a very touching story.
Oh yeah...Valentines day today...erm...yeah...

Welcome back...

A big hearty welcome to my dear friend Raymond back from a love pilgrimage to Uganda and finally back blogging. Welcome back hombre! Unfortunately I'm currently on the older version of messenger which is hardly any better than using smoke signals, but I'll try and catch you on soon so you can fill me in. The voices in my head are already placing bets on how sappy that story is going to be-dont let them down!

Sunday evening

So Charles and Camilla are going to get married...erm..okay...more power to them but why do the rest of us have to be subjected to all this bloody coverage about them? Thankfully there is a lot of funny stuff with the 'Daily Mirror' headline 'The Bling and I' with a picture of her engagement ring probably a highlight. The 'Daily Star' also had another highlight with the headline 'Boring old gits to wed'. The Brits are funny bastards.
Have recently discovered a Malian singer called Rokia Traore who is brilliant and has already made me a happy man indeed. If there is one place you are going to discover exciting new music, it is in University. You will always find someone with incredible music of all kinds.
University is a funny place. It's probably the only place where the desire to change the world and the even stronger desire to have the time of your life or die trying blend so seamlessly. I've met people who have very strong views on the evils of capitalism and their burning desire to do something about it. I've heard of people desperate to go to the poorest corners of the globe to help build an orphanage or a hospital. So much passion and do-goodness in the joint. I wonder if it will last, but probably not. It seems to me that the fire always dies out when you leave your heady days of University behind you and all those grand ideas suddenly evaporate. A pity really.

I said...dont you know....

I cannot believe I wasted ninety minutes of my life watching the England-Holland friendly last night. It was easily one of the most boring matches of all time. I know it was a friendly but that shouldnt make it a cure for insomnia! I'm still wondering what Eriksson is doing to justify earning 4 million pounds a year if he picks the team with all the skill of an epileptic monkey. I'm not English but I take his incompetence very personally.
The Brits were on last night and aside from some strange choices -'Your game' by Will Young as song of the year? McFly as best pop group? wtf- A lot of people finally got some overdue recognition. Keane winning two awards was the highlight because they are the best British band at the moment (until Coldplay returns of course!) and there was the win for The Streets which was right on as well. If you haven't bought 'A grand don't come for free' then get going-its one of the most unique music experiences you will ever have.
Franz Ferdinand- I dont really understand these guys. Is it allowed to play rock music wearing a suit? And what in heaven's name is 'Take me out' really about? It's catchy but they could be singing about anything for all we know and for some strange reason they all look like they escaped from a lab.
Lunch and dinner have become very strange experiences mainly because me and the cooks are not bonding that well. Some days they put enough soup on your plate to drown a cat in it and then when you get to the solid food section, the lady just puts a small scoop of mashed potatoes. I stand there looking at her trying to make her see the error of her ways but she oh so cleverly looks over my shoulder, to my right, to my left...everywhere but at me. I officialy don't exist after I've got my quota.
I clear my throat and do the Oliver Twist routine "Erm..I...is there..Can I have some more?"
She looks at me as if to say "Are you still here? I thought you'd go away after I pretended not to see you" Instead she smiles sweetly and says "I'm sorry but that's all I can give you"
"Ummm" I reply still taking my sweet time to move down the line. It's not like the food is even appetizing anyway, but I have to eat you know.

"Continue the research...."

I've been writing a bit more lately even though essays and presentations have been sneaking up on me with all the subtlety of a rapist. The story that's stuck in my head is one that's tentatively called 'Don't panic' which is the title of the Coldplay song that was in my head when the idea occured to me (Which in turn comes from a famous line in 'A hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy'). I'm not quite sure why that song inspired the story but it did (It's a very simple but cool chorus 'We live in a beautiful world.....yeah we do, yeah we do'). I was standing in some kind of wooded area and looking around (Probably trying to find any distraction to keep me from going for my lecture and I did eventually find that tap-dancing squirrel but that's a story for another post) and then somehow bits and pieces began to hit me. I eventually thought of a mentally-unstable man who believes the world is about to end and goes out for one last walk. it's a short story- unlikely to be more than five pages- but its taken an awful lot of my time. He is not a raving lunatic like some people I know but who I will not name ( I wont for example point out Seema as one such individual because I'm a man of integrity) all he wants is one last walk through the woods on a sunny afternoon pondering everything in his slightly warped brain. Maybe I just like the comic absurdity of this poor guy who feels he is the only one who knows the earth will be no more in a matter of hours and yet he empathizes with everyone around him and only wants some kind of affection from strangers. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this story but these kinds of things are like toilet-related functions-if you don't let them out you will feel very uncomfortable. It's harder than I thought to try and put myself in the shoes of a..erm...nutter...and I know that sentence is just begging for a punchline but resist the urge I've heard it all before.
Also: I really really resent the fact that while my room chair can actually swivel-indeed more power to the bugger- I cannot glide around on it. You know the feeling you get when you sit on those office chairs and just go shooting off into oblivion? One of those 'I'm a child again whoopee!' kind of moments? Well I cant bloody do that IN MY OWN ROOM! Why oh why can't that blasted chair move?

Can you dig it?

Here is a puzzle I put to a few friends of mine but no one can work it out. It occured to me a few days after I misplaced my medication :) What happens if you pass out in a dream? And assuming you don't wake up immediately of course or there would be no puzzle in the first place! Can things continue around you in the dream if the 'dream you' (so to speak) is unconscious? Or will your brain have to get a third level of consciousness (Besides the 'sleeping you' and the 'dream you') to keep track of what's going on? Can the dream actually carry on with whoever else is in it if you cannot perceive them as you normally would in a dream? It's genuinely kept me thinking.

"Release the flying monkeys..."

The Super bowl was on last night, but I'm still at loss as to what the big deal is. I can understand that the Yanks take it the way the rest of the world takes the World cup final but I really don't understand. If its football why do you spend most of the game running with the dammn ball? Soccer is the real football! I guess its one of those American things I'll never understand like Elvis. And when on earth are you guys going to embrace 'soccer' like the rest of the planet?
Hellophotokitty: I HAVE actually seen that 'South Park' episode you are referring to and it was shocking. I had been drinking though so the shock was somewhat blunted by the fact that I was struggling to understand what was going on. Then again with 'South Park' a plot is not exactly a necessity.
And I think I'm never really going to understand the English. While the rest of the earth is debating things like terrorism, and global warming the two biggest issues over here are fox-hunting and twenty-four hour drinking. The government wants to ban fox-hunting but there is a big and very vocal group out there saying 'hell no- its our right to ride out into the countryside with our hounds and kill us some foxes! YEAAH!' My humble proposition is that Tony Blair and the head of the pro-hunting lobby should fight it out with lightsabres. How else are we going to solve this crisis? Why on earth should the rest of us give a flying fuck about such a stupid cause as the right to hunt and kill foxes with some bad-ass dogs? Wake me up when that bore-a-thon is over!
As for twenty-four hour drinking- Suprisingly some people think there might be something wrong with this idea but these are probably descendants of the people who laughed when some guy in a cave said rubbing two sticks together was doing him a lot of good and everyone else should try it. Understand that bars in this country close at eleven which puts us about on par with Saudi Arabia with regard to the hassle we appear to be giving to the humble individual who only wants a bloody drink and the right to go home when he dammn well pleases. If the self-appointed guardans of the country's morals (i.e 'The Daily Mail') are to be believed, then this country will suddenly disintegrate and chaos will reign simply because Bars will now be able to set their own closing times. Yeah, yeah of course- and I'm a pop idol winner. It's not like the bars are actually going to be open for twenty-four hours anyway- most bars will extend their closing times to around 2 or 3 am which is just about fair. And no, there will be no civil war as a result.

tying up loose ends from my last post

Laura- I absolutely loved 'Adaptation' even though I felt it run out of steam towards the end. When someone like Charlie Kauffman makes it big, its enough to make you think that hollywood can still recognize talent after all. I thought 'Being John Malkovich' was even better. How much drugs do you think are involved when he is writing his scripts do you think? My guess to the nearest round number- a hell of a lot.
Hellophotokitty: about South Park- I'm a very big South Park fan and I've ben watching it for about three years now. I know Cartman is supposed to be an asshole-offensive, racist,sexist...you name it he is. That doesnt bother me. The beauty of South Park is that there is no target too big- those guys are hilariously shameless and offensive. My comment on Cartman were not to be taken as me being offended or pissed off with him. I love the bugger.
I was watching a football game today in the TV room, and a couple of guys I don't know were discussing a girl one of their friends had brought back with him to the hall. "I'm losing respect for Joe every passing day" this guy said "You know the girl he brought home-I wouldnt even piss on her"
"What- you mean if she was on fire?" One of his friends asked laughing.
"No I mean I wouldnt piss on her-period!" The guy said "It would like be an insult to my urine"
I was so shocked that I could hardly focus on the game anymore. All the guys were laughing as if it was actually funny, but I was thinking things that would have appalled even the creators of 'South Park' in terms of the obscenities and the violence.
The way women are treated here does tend to shock me. I've hang out with guys who talk about women in ways that made me go pale. A friend once told me about a popular game he knew was going on among the campus guys- it was called 'pull a pig'. The objective was to kiss the ugliest girl in the club ('pull' means kiss in this country)and the 'winner' was entitled to a glass of whatever cheap alcohol was on the house. How much more mean can someone be? Can you imagine how that girl would feel if she found out she won a 'pull a pig' contest?

South park, Kevin Costner and other pressing matters...

-I have just been watching 'South Park' and I realize now that Cartman just might be one of the biggest assholes in Television history.
-Went for a play at the Uni theatre called 'Kaufmanesque' about a demented Charlie Kauffman fan trying to kill his hero. I was only there because two of my friends was in it but it turned out to be suprisingly interesting and witty. There were four other short plays as well before it, but it turned out to be the best of the lot and I have to give kudos to the talent we have in our university. They even planted an actor in the audience who gets forced on stage where she tries to explain to the two actors that its all a play and she's just someone from the audience...and then it gets fairly mind-boggling. I think I will go for plays more often if I can sneak my bazooka in as I managed to do when I went for those plays. This is incase of a sudden Ninja attack mind you, not because I have the desire to carry heavy weaponry around for fun.
-About Kevin Costner- the other day I was watching 'Message in a Bottle' with two friends and Costner was doing his whole 'sensitive man' thing again while befriending a visiting female journalist played by Robin Wright-Penn. Costner has recently lost his wife in the film, and now via a series of romantic(for them)/ utterly daft (for me)events, the two get closer. You see where this is going? However I realized I was the only one who realized Costner's game plan. I wasnt buying it because I know that all Kevin Costner ever wants to do in the movies is get laid. I've seen most of his films and only the most serious events usually keep him from achieving this objective- I'm talking the threat of nuclear war (Thirteen days) or being a mutant (Waterworld) in both cases it is easy to see he had more pressing matters. However in all his other movies, you have to admire his cunning because he comes across as the perfect understanding sensitive guy when all he wants is to shag his unsuspecting victim-to-be. Infact I think it's stipulated in his contract that he won't do the film unless he gets to have a love-making scene with his co-star while being such an utterly nice guy about the whole thing. Of course my experience of the film was more ruined by the fact that Robin Wright-Penn was being such an utter twat throughout, but as for Mr Costner- well you are a crafty bugger sir.

It's in Africa! A-F-R-I-C-A!

Telling people you are from Rwanda inevitably leads to a number of interesting responses not all of them coherent. I have been collecting them in their glory(cough) for posterity so here is the first batch:
"Rwanda? hmm.."
"That's interesting"
"Is that in...no..in...near...oh right!"
"Pass the water"
*blank stare*
"So what are you doing here man?"
"That's cool"
"Is that in Asia...oh Africa!" (Look in eyes 'isnt that the same thing?')
"So where did you learn English?"
"Man I'm not even going to pretend I know where that is!"

They dont make em like this anymore

Heard on 'I'm Alan Patridge' that TV show with Steve Coogan. His character on the show is the only one who can say this and make it sound as funny as it did- I choked on my milk when I heard this.
"Son you are twenty-two years old and you are waking up with a girl in your bed. Don't you think you are wasting your life?"

Go figure

It only takes one tree
to make a thousand matches
Only takes one match
To burn a thousand trees

"A thousand trees" The Stereophonics

this here is my appletree

First of all let's get one thing straight-Michael Jackson is soooo guilty it's almost comical. Am I being harsh on him? Ya darn tootin! And I am a fan of most of his early stuff by the way- I have both 'thriller' and 'bad' and I enjoy the hell out of both of them, but that guy is not going to like prison! Infact there is a good chance that he will absolutely hate it.
Today was Mimi's birthday so I hope she can accept this humble post from me instead of the bulldog I had promised to get her for her birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It was a nightmare trying to get through earlier- everytime I called she wasn't picking up and some idiot somewhere thought it would be a good idea to take off a couple of pence everytime you call even though you haven't actually got through. Anyway did finally get to her close to midnight GMT and it was fantastic to hear her voice again. I only had about fifteen minutes left on my card which was a bummer but one must make do.
Liverpool won tonight so I am on a high. It's amazing how good it feels when your team wins that night-it makes a hell of a difference to your week those three points. How can you explain that to a non-soccer fan? You can't really but it just is.
My day in a stream of consciousness: Missed ten o'clock but made all the rest, fuck why do they schedule lectures for one how are we supposed to have lunch dinner sucked anyway went for 'coffee and cigarettes' at the theatre very interesting was excited to meet a Philip.K.Dick fan in the hall walked back talking about '1984' had a coffee with Mez afterwards watched 'match of the day' my battery is dead I got a new Miles Davis CD.