Hells Hall: continued

Aahhh Wells Hall....how do I love thee?(NOT) Let me count the ways...
It's more than a week now and I think I'm almost beginning to like this bloody hall. It's got its flaws- and a 400 page report wouldnt even cover half of them-but stoicism has rapidly given way to...erm, thingy. Aside obviously from the fact that my eating habits have gone rapidly downhill-mama would be horrified. Cereal, bread and spaghetti is basically it. God forbid if things carry on like this I might even become skinny!! Whatever next? And I've also drank at least 200 cups of tea because everytime there is a gap in my day(fairly often), I find myself standing infront of the kettle and brewing myself tea or coffee. Also the kitchen has become a kind of discussion chamber where you wander in and out of all sorts of strange conversations-most of which end with me being informed that I'm 'full of shit'. You couldn't give me a higher compliment.
Revision aside, Im reading 'Do androids dream of electric sheep?' (I think the answer is no) by Philip.K.Dick and wandering around the halls late at night trying to find inner peace. I wonder: Does inner peace ever look for inner peace? Am I just thinking this or actually typing it out? Oh!
'Only from Africa' story of the week- The Mauritania cabinet has given themselves a 600 percent payrise. The reason? To fight corruption! African politics rarely even gives you the opportunity to add a punchline. It's there already.
And a big thank you to Raymond for that so-good-it's-illegal link with all the 'Calvin and Hobbes' comics. You know you just moved several places up in my will don't you?

The English dictionary 2005: Reading University edition

Mate(y): What an acquitance becomes after six or more pints.
Chav: A cheap-jewelery-loving, kebab-munching, burberry-loving person. Avoid.
Kebab: Something that is only eaten if you are a) so drunk that your taste buds have gone AWOL or b) if you have mental problems.
White lightning: A very very cheap way to get drunk. Trust me, I know. It doesn't taste very good by the way but fucking hell you save a lot of money!
Fit:Someone who is easy on the eyes.
Cheers: An all-purpose word that could mean anything from 'great' to 'pass the water' and everything in between. Use frequently for best results.
Blatant: A word that has been used and abused excessively. How many other English speaking countries use blatant in regular conversation?

Wells Hall chronicles: continued

Five days into Wells Hall and I think I can handle anything it. I have noticed you can tackle anything in life as long as you have an unlimited supply of milk, CD's and a total disregard for reality. Infact I treat reality with such contempt that it no longer writes or calls. Screw it, I'm getting along just fine on my own. Getting plenty of reading done during the day and then watching TV during the night-last night 'Men bahaving badly' and 'South Park' were my treats for the end of the day. I wonder if my neighbours were wondering who was laughing so loudly at 3.am.

Watched 'Constantine' yesterday afternoon. It was a promising story and the first hour or so was entertaining but it goes downhill very fast towards the end and I'd have to give it about three stars. I also think Rachel Weisz is cute- that and the representation of hell in the film are worth an entire star.

Funny exchange of the week between a South African cricketer and a BBC pundit
Cricketer: This is a catch-23 situation.
Pundit: Erm...you mean catch-22.
Cricketer: No- this is worse!

Daniella- Good call on the Gipsy Kings. Bought one a few days ago and it was definitely good value for money.

The Wells Hall chronicles: the beginning

So we have moved out of the oh-so wonderful Wantage Hall and are currently living in the University equivalent of a ghetto- I am talking of the infamous Wells Hall (motto: where anarchy rules supreme and a big gun is your best friend). That place has generated more urban legends than you can count and it has been the butt of enough jokes to fill a joke book. Now we are going to be here for five weeks. Great.
To be fair it's not as bad as everyone says it is. The place is very dodgy, but I expected a whole lot worse. Besides the total lack of ambience, I think I could grow to tolerate this place. Except for the little things like the 'minging' toilets that take away the pleasure of one of the most exciting activities of the day (i.e taking a dump with a good book) The mood has to be right! You don't understand! When we first moved in my sister said something about having to wait until she went to work the next day to pee but now it doesn't seem like such a joke anymore. Anyway that's my whining for the day. Also I walked in on a couple making out when I was looking for the toilet about twenty minutes after moving in. Why in heaven's name did she leave her room open? Later on I run into them in the kitchen around 2am at night- an oriental girl and a black guy- but obviously conversation was thin on the ground. Actually it was non-existent. Walking into someone's room while they are getting down is not going to win you any new friends.
Winter is officialy over if yesterday is to be believed- it was boiling outside. Not being able to bitch about the weather is something that will be sorely missed.

this nocturnal life

Two days away from the end of the term, but here I am working on my writing credit which is due five weeks from now and its almost 2.am. As the narrator said about insomnia in 'Fight Club' "Your'e never really awake and you are never really asleep". Most of my friends are working on their dissertation which means that like me they have now become nocturnal. It's cool knowing that you can knock on a friend's door at 3.am and just hang out at such ungodly hours.

This morning something not very funny happened. The fire alarm went off at 7.15 in the morning. No amount of ranting can express how annoying it is to have the alarm ringing in your ears so early in the morning and by Jupiter that fucker is loud! I had to stumble out of bed and put on something respectable and go downstairs still half-asleep. Turns out the whole thing was a drill to see how well Wantage hall residents respond to a fire alarm (the answer, not suprisingly, was not very well at all) adn a few hours later there was a notice from the office on the wall saying that basically we were all a bunch of fuck-ups because turn-out had been incredibly low and they were going to do it again before the semester was over to try and catch those who were ignoring it. There is such a serious obsession with fire safety in this country which is cool and all, but a drill at 7.am is just so wrong.

I was drinking Ribena this evening and had a serious flashback to primary school- the indecent shorts, the almost fascist sing-alongs forced on us, bata shoes, 'tip', fanta and crisps, mean looking teachers with meaner looking bamboo sticks...I'm not sure if that was with nostalgia or horror- probably a mix of both but I did finish my Ribena without any further incident.

My sister thinks I'm crazy but I'm definitely going for 'Constantine' next week.

"Rage....rage against....umm..."

Tesi: that silly 'potatoes' quote below is from 'A hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' by the way. The film is on the way but read the book!

So now the term is winding down and I can finally catch my breath. Actually the last two weeks of the term always pass whilst The Student is in neutral gear- the brain is already on holiday- cocktails and all- while the body is trying to get into the mode as well. Oh yes, there's the final formal dinner of the term this time without a sheep stomach in sight. I'm still not going though. Rebel without a cause, yes, but I don't do formals. Now if there was a tap-dancing monkey and/or Charlize Theron as special guests then I might reconsider but no such luck for tomorrow's gathering. Will be in the bar later though- it's always really interesting then and I've had so many interesting conversations at the post- dinner gathering at the Hall bar.

A few friends and relatives have taken the trouble to google me-always a sign of 'where did it all go wrong?' - and were suprised that a few years ago I seemed intent on making as many friends as possible on those make friends online kinda sites. Those who know me very well might have guessed that it was only a morbid social experiment and it's one that I'm not going to explain right now. As with everything else in my life, it's a very long story but suffice to say getting emails from total strangers was not the masterplan.

Raymond how exactly does it feel to be 'mauled by a toothless dyslexic polar bear?' And how do I stop that happening to me? Other interesting tidbits from my buddy bloggers- Seema assuring us that she has not been 'eaten by a rhino', Teta ogling at a 'beautiful sexy jeep...dammn it was hot' and Laura's hilarious 'how can a workday not exist' rant. As for Tesi, that picture you put up of someone with an identity crisis was very traumatic for me. Exercise some caution woman! It was a real case of "aiiiii! my eyes!" Have you no shame whatsoever?

Oh yes- I ended up talking to our Kenyan friend the very next day after I posted about him. He came over to sit with us although the sheer strangeness of our circle had him looking around desperately for the fire exit which at the moment-weirdly enough- was blocked by a large octopus that was desperate to have some of the pasta. Just one of those things. Anyway he is an ok guy

Unfortunately the fun is over- everyone put down the swords/guns/pepper sprays/incriminating photos and passed the prevention of terrorism bill which means that house arrest, electronic tagging, curfews and the whole shebang are now going to be used in the fight against terrorism ("I cant go out Ali I have to be home by six") It's fascinating stuff- once again I'm only half-joking- and was certainly more entertaining than the Michael Jackson trial.

People in this country take politeness a bit too far. The other day at lunchtime I was reaching into my pocket for my phone when I accidentaly elbowed the girl sitting behind me. I turned around qucikly to say sorry but she beat me to it-she was so fast it must have been roughly three hundreth of a second- and apologized to me instead! I was so thrown off I ended up saying 'its okay'-and I was the one who elbowed her! You get the impression an English person will apologize to you simply for sharing the oxygen you are breathing.

It's a mistake to think you can solve any major problems only with potatoes

-And yes Liverpool are through to the Champions League so I'm walking around with a swagger right now (well not right NOW obviously)
-Stereophonics are at number one with 'Dakota'. Sweet. It's easily one of the best songs they've done yet. It's been in my head non-stop for about two weeks.
-When ads are funny they can really be funny- my favorite at the moment is the Pepsi one where a monkey is driving a guy to the airport while another guy in the front seat is showing it how to get there by showing it a map. Pepsi have cleverly realized one of the main rules of humour- put a monkey in there and people will laugh. Another funny one is for Halifax bank and its got a black guy doing the whole 'ive got bling and women by the pool' thing and it's absolutely pant-wettingly funny especially considering it's for a very respectable bank.
-You couldnt pick a more exciting time to be following UK politics than right now as the government and the opposition fight over the prevention of terrorism Bill (which among other things will enable the government to put you under house arrest, slap a curfew on your terrorist ass and give you an electronic tag to name a few goodies in store) the opposition wants the law to run out in November so that they can consider it in the meantime- they call it a 'sunset clause' although if that sounds romantic trust me, its not. Tony Blair told them-and I quote- "Fuck off you terrorist-loving bastards!" and he had to be knocked out with a tranquilizer dart before he said certain things about Michael Howard's mother. This doesnt mean the government are completely against compromise- they paid for the pizza at last night's debate for example- but otherwise the two sides are eyeball-to-eyeball on the issue and Blair has refused to make any more concessions. The government gave way by saying they'll let a judge decide all the control orders but otherwise they refuse to compromise on the 'sunset clause' issue. It's exciting stuff (and I'm only half-joking) The bill has been bouncing from one house of parliament to another in a way that makes one think both sides might as well play tennis while they are at it. The whole thing has become incredibly tense and they've been slinging insults at each other all through the week. I personally think Michael Howard and Tony Blair should settle the whole thing in the wrestling ring but 'fight club' style- now THAT would really send a message to the terrorists!

Hotel Rwanda

Watched 'Hotel Rwanda' last night with my brother (suprisingly enough it was a full house) It was a lot better than I had expected and many times I was emotionally overwhelmed. I left feeling completely drained. The scene that really stuck in my head later was Don Cheadle standing in the rain with all the other Rwandans in the background while the European soldiers drove out of the hotel with the foreign nationals. It was really chilling.
I remember once last year when I was talking to a few of my English friends and somehow we got to talking about capital punishment. I told them I was fully in favour of it and told them about the last public execution in Rwanda in 1998 when a group of about 20 so-called human beings were given their express tickets to hell. I realized at the end of my little speech that everyone was looking at me open-mouthed in shock and it was because of the way I told the story- I had been delighted about the executions when they happened and I still was. Still, to talk with such delight about the public execution of people with middle-class English guys is not going to get you any support. "If you knew what kind of people I was talking about you would understand why I told that story with a smile on my face" I told them. But of course they will never understand. You hack a little child to death and expect any kind of sympathy or forgiveness from me? I would sleep a lot better at night if you were six feet under and I wouldnt even waste my spit on your grave.
But yeah I really enjoyed the film. Laura get online so we can talk about it!

a timely reminder why one billion people watch 22 men kicking a ball

-Last night was a great night for football. Chelsea v barcelona second-leg tie was supposed to be a cracking game, yes but dammn! Who could have foreseen all the drama? Chelsea were 3-0 up within 20 minutes and then Barcelona stormed back with two goals from Ronaldinho (the second so outrageously cheekily brilliant that I would have slapped him just for being a genius if I was in the Chelsea defence) And all this was just in the first half! With things standing at 3-2, Barcelona was still on course to go through on the away goals rule only for (who else) but defender-in-chief John Terry to pop up 14 minutes from time with a great header to knock out the most exciting team in football out of the champions league. Now I'm not really a Chelsea fan-infact I actively dislike them- but in the Champions League one feels a certain kinship with other English teams and so on this occasion I found myself cheering for Chelsea in a room full of equally excited soccer fans. What a game-surely the champions league is going to go downhill from here on? No other game this year is going to live up to that one. And tonight Liverpool is playing-im a nervous wreck!
-There's this Kenyan guy in my hall who apparently believes I don't like him- at least thats what he told one of my friends when she mentioned me. I dont know the guy! I've met him only once because I know one of the guys he hangs out with, but that aside have never so much as run into him. I mean I am granted an anti-social guy most of the time but still that's a serious jump to conclusions. Now there are some people in this hall I do actively dislike but that's a story for another post.
-You know it's election time in this country when the most important issue being debated by Tony Blair and Michael Howard is an old woman's delayed shoulder operation.
-The best British TV show of the year- 'Shameless'- just finished its second season. Tuesday nights are going to be a lot lonelier as a result. We are going to have to wait until early 2006 to get another dose of Manchester madness. AARGGH!

cant be bothered really....

-Went out on Saturday night and had a fantastic time. However it seems I needed reminding that wine and beer do not a happy couple make once you have consumed both. Bloody hell!
-Couldnt believe my eyes when I saw 'No logo' by Naomi Klein at the union shop for only two pounds this morning. I pounced on it so fast that the guy in charge started laughing. Look it up because its one of the most important books you will ever read. There was also Bill Bryson's latest book for the same startling low price. Bryson is a funny bastard- he is essentialy a travel writer but he is so much more than that; he is the only writer who can turn a walk down the street into a gripping ten pages and all the time talking about the most mundane things. This one isnt a travel book though, but a 'short history about everything'. it's like a stand-up comedian teaching you about history and science. What's not to like?
-I have better things to do at this moment in time actually so I'd better head off and find out what those things are.

Saturday evening

Cool week...Had absolutely no work to do and laziness crept in. Went for a live jazz night with some friends earlier in the week and that was great. Having not drunk any alcohol in ages, I was annoyed to discover that I was getting a bit tipsy after three pints. Im turning into a lightwweight! Please God, no!
-Raymond was talking about getting a new phone on his blog and it reminded me of how the benefits of capitalism are passing me by. I still have my old Nokia and I've had it for so long that my battery is serving me notice to quit by cutting me off everytime I get a call. I havent bought a single item of clothing since I came to England except boxers and socks. I buy CD's by the armful, but everytime I wander into anything other than a record store I don't quite know what I'm doing there. I feel a certain kinship with Socrates who-standing infront of a vibrant marketplace back in the day- exclaimed "What a lot of things I don't need!" I'm completely out of my depth in those malls. To para-phrase Emily Dickinson- "Because I could not stop for capitalism/he told me to fuck off"
-All those one pence coins that were piling up on my shelf finally found a home in the food machine. Last night I went down to buy mini-cookies from that magic machine in the middle of 'Rushmore'- it cost 45 pence but almost half of that amount was made up of one pence coins which had been annoying the hell out of me because I couldnt get rid of them. I was standing there putting in 1p coin after another when this drunk couple comes up behind me and stood waiting probably thoroughly amused. I apologized "This is going to take a while" I told them (which was obvious since I had my hands full of those 1p coins) but they took it sportingly. We chatted a bit and they began to cheer me on as each coin went in willing me on to the magic 45p mark. I got there and everyone was happy. That encounter was a lot stranger than it sounds.
-Insomnia persists even though a friend of mine insists it is not insomnia but a 'different sleeping pattern'. Thanks a lot for raining on my parade! But I repeat: my insomnia persists. Last night I was awake till five listening to Lonnie Liston Smith and Sade but otherwise doing nothing that was so important that my brain decided I needed to stay awake to do it. We are going to have a talk later, Mr Brain and I. Strong words might be exchanged and we might say things we don't mean. I'll keep you posted.

Aaah...chaos...such organisation....

As I said, me and the cook have sorted out our 'beef' and more encouragingly, the food has got a lot better over the past few days.
Lunch and dinner times are particularily chaotic affairs. It always seems to be as if there are about twelve separate conversations going on at the table and this is from our group of five. Quena and Valli never seem to understand what I'm saying apparently because I talk too fast and mumble a lot which I have to admit is true. Chris is supposed to be the serious one in the group, but he is always trying to be cheeky by trying to pair me off with one of the girls. Quena reminds me of Bill Murray- she has this kind of bored above-everything demeanour and approaches everything with the same dead-pan look and calm tone of voice that is always very funny. Valli always seems to be in her own world and will suddenly start giggling out of the blue and kind of disconnect from everyone else for a while. Mez seems to preside over all this chaos with a kind of patient serenity smiling sweetly through it all- like the rest of us she is as mad as a hatter only a lot more cleverer about it. Chris always thinks the food is good even when it quite clearly violates several international treaties. It's hard to explain just how impossible it is to get a coherent, normal conversation going in in this atmosphere. It is usually utter unrestrained madness. No wonder I am losing a few of my marbles...wait a minute one just rolled by right now. Be right back...