One year on...

Officially one year of blogging today. Hmm..

halloween: further reflections with very little actual reflection

NOTE: Tomorrow marks one year of blogging for me. Whopee!

Anyway after my rant about halloween yesterday, I have decided that maybe it does serve some kind of function after all. Yesterday I was watching a fantastic documentary called 'the perfect scary movie' about horror films down the years. There were vampires, mummies, aliens, mad scientists, the once-human-but-now-unfeeling-killer machines (Jason, Michael Myers) mankind has been battling with fear from the dawn of time which is where the vampires and every other cosmetically-challenged creature in that list has sprung from. By putting our worst fears into the arts like television, it was a great way to exorcise them. And of course our fears have shifted down the years. Our ancestors living in caves might have been afraid of dragons or other mythical creatures because there was no understanding of the natural world and a serious fear of what it just might contain. But once we could understand the natural world much better, things began to shit and around mid-twentieth century we started dreading other things like aliens. This was tied in with cold war fears and it's no coincidence that the 50's was when alien invasion films really took off- 'invasion of the bodysnatchers', 'war of the worlds' etc which were often a kind of metaphor for the American fear of a Soviet invasion. Parallel to this was the growth of the 'mad scientist syndrome'. The general fear and distrust of science as playing God gave birth to several 'mad scientist tinkers with nature and puts us all in danger' films. We had stuff like 'Frankenstein', 'the fly' and 'Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' and tons of other films where we learned that we cannot play God or else it wouldn't be pretty. In that vein we also had 'Friday the 13th' and 'halloween' series of films which showed us what would happen if we existed without morals of any kind and developed instead a fondness for butcher knives. Michael Myers in 'Haloween' was the kid who starts killing everyone around him because he is so totally devoid of any moral character that he is like evil personified. Jason is technically dead from the first film so maybe he doesn't count, but we still see him as a human gone seriously bad and annoyingly refuses to die. Does that mean the undertaker has to refund the money? or do they just keep paying him over and over everytime someone thinks he is dead? Ok, im straying from the topic.
Then we had the 'devil is coming' films like 'The Omen' and 'Rosemary's baby' which told us that not only should we keep away from ethically-dubious activities in a lab, but we should also be prepared for someone even more scary than a mad scientist with bad hair and no girlfriend- Satan himself.
What I'm coming to (after this incredibly long ramble which I'm not even going to go back and edit because I'm hungry) is that halloween is a perfect way of us recognizing out fears and then making fun of them. Now that so many of our fears have been demystified, it's all become something of a big joke now and that can only be a good thing. Halloween is therefore a good idea. I'm off to get some chips.

haloween

This is one more thing I really don't understand- haloween. Trick or treat, pumpkins, scary costumes...WHAT IS THE POINT? 'Well its for fun you idiot' I can hear you all say to me. Well then make a special day of fun on the bloody calendar then! Don't sneak it in under the guise of some day that makes witches and dracula suddenly become stylish all over again.
There was a haloween party in our hall last night. There were plenty of Draculas, one or two walking corpses, witches, blood-splattered doctors and even someone dressed as Hunter.S.Thompson who I had blogged about yesterday but who I never assumed could become a haloween character. I had a drink, played pool with Vid (wearing angel wings), Louisa, Rama and later a lot of other people I didnt even know. Q was superwoman complete with a red cape (her towel) and was determined to dance wherever she was or how far she happened to be from the music. Two guys fought by the Elvis machine in the corner and the smaller guy kept coming back later saying 'Im sorry! I'm so sorry!' over and over again to the other guy. Another guy dressed as a wizard and brandishing a wand kept shouting loudly at people and pointing his wand at them. He did the same thing on the pool table when we were playing-Iwas lining up for a shot when this maniac starts pointing at the balls and shouting something that no one could understand at the top of his voice. I suspect he was very drunk or maybe he was a real wizard. It's so hard to tell these days. All in all a bit bizzare even for haloween. Being sober and totally sane in that bar made you the odd person out by a million miles.
Kicked my brother's ass in scrabble in one of the highest-scoring games we have ever had (I was only 2 points under 400) and then slept so peacefully and blissfully that I could barely get out of bed for lunch.

The big fish eat the little ones...the big fish eat the little ones

So there I was lying in bed last night with an old culture section of the sunday times and watching some Indian film that proved to be fairly entertaining. It's just a bit disconcerting the way they suddenly break out into singing and dancing at the slightest excuse. The songs are catchy, but I just don't understand. What's the point? It's both funny and disturbing that those films cant deal with any issues unless someone singing the bloody thing in a suitably high voice and with lyrics like 'What would you do...without us women...you cannot resist us' and the man singing something like 'women...why are you so vain and conceited..' it was like a clash between songs of solomon and the teletubbies.
Finished Hunter.S. Thompson's 'fear and loathing on the campain trail'. it's a real headfuck of a book. I love Thompson (R.I.P) and his rambling, off-beat stream of consciousness style of writing. I think he was one of the most revolutionary and innovative writers of the twentieth century and I'd love to write something in his 'gonzo' style. I had earlier watched an interview with Terry Gilliam who directed Thompson's incredible book 'Fear and loathing in Las Vegas' with Johnny Depp as the druggie journalist getting into all sorts of shit on his way to cover a drug convention for a newspaper aided by his even crazier lawyer. It's one of my favorite books-totally insane but very well written. I was genuinely saddened when he blew his brains out the other day.
So anyway I've decided to go out next week. Geoff and Elly have been urging me to come out of my self-imposed exile from the clubs in Reading and I'm thinking they have a point. Geoff lives in just about the most dysfunctional house in this town. His housemates are all masters of the crudest most tasteless humor you could possibly come across. In their kitchen is a poster with a man-his fist clenched- standing over a woman on the floor who is looking up at him in fear. The poster says 'HIT HER IN THE FACE-TO PROVE YOUR'E RIGHT' once you enter the living room, there is a crude drawing of Chris who is one of their housemates. He has the misfortune of being half-German so he is the inevitable target. The drawing shows him standing infront of a caravan holding the hand of a little girl with an evil smile on his face and a tatoo of a swastika on his arm and a message on his shirt that I won't even reveal. The clear implication is that he is a) a paedophile b)A nazi c) a gypsy. This is in the living room! And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
I was watching an ad on TV the other day-some new mobile phone that does everything except cook you pasta. I always think- what's the point? Why do we constantly need newer shinier phones? I've got an old Nokia 3210 and it's fine. Why do I need video messaging/email/camera whatever else they put on those bloody things? Why should I pay something like 200 pounds to get a phone that will impress people but will only do exactly what my old phone was doing anyway? Isn't this whole 'im going to get that new phone so I can have a better one than all my friends' thing a bit silly really? That's not really a question- I've already made my mind up.

Part 3; the trial

The judge banged his gavel loudly and called the court to attention "Minega Isibo" He said "You are here to answer three charges"
I was still sulking in my chair and refused to stand
"First" He said "You are facing a charge of being a total dickhead"
I was up from my seat in a flash "Wha..?"
"Second" he said overruling me with a disdainful wave of his hand "You are charged with having had an affair-and worse we have heard- whilst also claiming fidelity to another. On top of that you lied about it"
"But..."
"Third" he said firmly "You have made a mockery of break-ups everywhere by turning it all into a joke. How do you plead to all charges"
"Bloody well not guilty mate!"
"I'm not your mate" the judge said "And if you continue showing me disrespect I shall be forced to invent some other charges just for the hell of it"
"Can we run through the charges" I said wearily
"Well the dickhead part is self-explanatory" the judge said " You are a dickhead. Do we need to elaborate?"
"This is nuts" I tried to protest vigorously but he was banging the gavel even louder calling me to silence.
"You are also charged with carrying out a passionate affair with Laura. Furthermore you lied about it. You say there is no Laura yet you claim to know two. Which is it? And if she doesn't exist then how did you manage to have a make-believe telephone conversation with her?"
"I want a doughnut" I said stubbornly.
The prosecution lawyer was enjoying himself thoroughly. He didnt even have to do anything.
"I demand to be released" I insisted.
"You can't leave anyway" the judge said "Your ex girlfriend has hired a group of Ninjas to kill you. Theyr'e having coffee outside right now"
I was dismayed "Ninjas?" I asked "How many?"
"You don't want to know." he said grimly.
My heart sank. This mad trial was getting a bit creepy.
"Anyway" the prosecution lawyer continued "The trail of lies has finally caught up with this crazed lunatic and he must not be allowed either to breed or to deceive another innocent young lady ever again. I know he is pleading not guilty, but should we believe him? After all, we all know that a man who insists he is innocent is in fact guilty. Is this not so?"
"Well this is all bullshit" I said
"Are you calling your ex-girlfriend a liar?" The judge asked threateningly.
"Well.."
"Doesn't matter" he said banging that dammn thing again "it seems fairly clear to me that you are guilty of all three charges and worse"
"And what's this worse business?" I asked "The charges are a bit vague.."
"The charges are what they are!" He bellowed loudly, his face red "Do not make a mockery out of these kangaroo trial proceedings! This is a very serious joke and we insist you take it in that spirit. We do not know the full charges against you but you have done some very bad unspecified things that we cannot ever reveal to you. it's as simple as that. Therefore we shall have to make do with these three charges for now until the others are finally revealed to us."
"Your honor" My defence lawyer finally spoke up "My client pleads innocent to charges of having had an affair (and worse) because we all know he lacks the cunning and the brains to pull it off"
My very own defence lawyer had decided to humiliate me!
"If you claim to be innocent" the prosecution lawyer asked "Then how come you are guilty?"
"Huh?" my mind was reeling "Look if you will let me..."
"Who are you to deny the truth of rumours about you? The judge asked angrily "Who are you to cling to your innocence when we have already judged you? This man has a nerve! A nerve I tell you!"
"The third charge is no less serious" The prosecution lawyer informed me solemmly " By failing to be totally miserable after being dumped you have revealed a fundamental flaw in your character. Your honour, I present his blog as evidence A for the prosecution"
Under my breath I said "For solitude sometimes is best society...."
"Yes- a total lack of seriousness" The judge agreed ignoring me and then in a lower voice "This is what you get...when you mess with us"
I was beginning to think that maybe I should take my chances with the Ninjas outside.

When you say 'have a nice day' you sound like you really mean it.

Re: Yesterday's post. To suggest that I was 'burning not concerning' just to do something weird shows that there are a lot of people who don't know me that well. As Salvador Dali once said 'I dont do drugs- I AM drugs'. That just about covers it.
Anyway I've been in a good mood because I just discovered that two stories I wrote weren't deleted after all (there was some kind of upgrade and the uni tampered with our accounts) but was just hidden in some file deep within the bowels of the computer. It finally coughed it up after I'd searched for weeks. There were two stories plus plenty of stuff I had saved off the net so that's a big, big relief. One of them was inspired by this street kid I once knew. Everyday on my way to the shops he'd lay an ambush to ask me for money and I liked him so I often obliged. Even when I was broke he'd walk me most of the way and it was through talking to him that I really began to understand the hell that was only three minutes away from my house. One day I was sitting in the computer room and without even realizing what I was doing (which happens a lot) I went into a kind of frenzy and over the course of a week ended up writing the story.
Anyway all that is for another time. I don't feel like writing right now so I won't.

Your eyes open (and you know)

Rain, rain...so much rain. It's been steadily drizzling all day. You will either need to be in very high spirits or CONSUMING some kind of spirits to get through it with a grin on your face.
And all the cool people are gone which is a real bummer. Chris, Mez, Dan, Nash...all gone. Only Q and Tommy.B are left from last year. For the first week after I got back, I almost knocked on Chris's door many times on my way to lunch. The other day he sent me an email reminding me how we used to do the Mohammed Ali- talk before a chess game 'Are you sure you are going to sleep tonight?' 'I think I'll let you win this time out of pity' etc. Neither of us took losing very lightly and you slept on a bed of nails on the night of a loss. We hang out quite a bit especially in the final semester and he was always fun. Chris had started out as the serious and very sane Catholic guy but by the time we were done with him, he had lost the plot.
And Dan- a really funny guy. He introduced me to Radiohead and a lot of other cool bands. Like Chris he was always very cheerful and often cheeky. When he got drunk, he would curl up on the floor into the foetal position and just stay there for a while. He always hang out with Nash who was always entertaining company and weird in a good way. It was he who pioneered the 'try and beat the sensor lights' game that I once blogged about.
And Mez; she was the first person I told about my relationship problems long before my girlfriend had decided that kicking me in the balls was something she should do regularily. It started out as a small remark when we were sitting outside the music room but ended up as a very longwinded rambling speech. Why don't you tell her? she asked. I shrugged- the two of us and Chris had been up for most of the night drinking wine and watching a film and the thought of making life-changing decisions at 8.am in the morning on a stomach full of alcohol was just not wise. I wouldnt have picked the right socks to wear in the state of mind I was in.
It was with Chris and Mez that I had one of the most surreal days of my life around late February. We met up in Mez's room at around midnight and watched 'message in a bottle' (this was the point where I realized that Kevin Costner only ever wants to get laid, the bastard) There was a lot of alcohol consumed during and afterwards with the result that we had Chris trying to get us to say some difficult tongue twisters and then terrified us with some horror story that he told so well that Mez was practically clinging to me and I the Stephen King fan who didn'd even blink during 'The exorcist' found myself swallowing hard. Chris could tell a story! And then later at another point of the night I dimly remember trying to conduct an experiment by making us sit in a circle and try to project our consciousness out of our bodies so we could see each other 'from the outside' (it wouldnt make any sense if I tried to explain this) anyway suddenly it was dawn and somehow I found myself walking on a strange part of campus with the two of them at something like 7 in the morning (although Chris had been bullied into this trip- all he wanted to do at that point was go to bed poor guy) I was still feeling a bit drunk from the night before so there are many gaps in my recollection of this incident, but I remember watching a flock of white birds circle over a field a few meters ahead of us. Why don't we stand there in the field and see if they'll keep flying like that? One of us suggested. And we did and the birds were flying all around us just above our heads. It felt a lot like a dream. And then I remember playing tag with Mez on a couple of logs in the woods while Chris just stood and watched and somehow we ended up in a large garden that Chris had heard about but which none of us had been in. There was a little gate to separate it from the rest of campus, but once you entered it it was like being in another world. It was beautiful. There was a huge tree with a long branch that touched the ground and you could sit on it and bounce gently up and down. I remember saying something like this had to be one of the most beautiful sights in the world at that particular moment in time. Mez just smiled. Chris said a few things that I can't quite recall but on the whole we didnt talk much once we entered there. We just walked around and stared. I couldnt believe there was a place like this in our uni and I hadnt even discovered it until halfway through my second year. Anyway I only ended up in bed around ten or so and god knows I was feeling a bit rough when I woke up but the whole thing had felt distinctly like a hazy dream. The things that can happen to you in uni.....
Today marks ten years of Aung San Suu Kyi's house arrest.

Caption contest- This is from the new film from the weird and wonderful director Tim Burton called 'corpse bride' Let's have your punchlines in the comment section. Funniest person wins a hug- a cyber hug that is. Until this bird flu thing panic disappears, I'm not hugging anybody!

Dont panic

So the people in charge of thoroughly depressing us (the meterological center) have informed us that we are going to have possibly the coldest winter we've had for the last ten years. Geez thanks guys. We had another very gloomy day today but thankfully I didnt have any classes and I could wake up at 11 and read a book until lunchtime which is always a bloody good feeling. I've been thinking that now we are two weeks into the new term, maybe its time I started I really should start talking to people and become more sociable. This anti-social thing is not that cool anymore (YES IT IS! FUCK OFF!) ooookay. Im not going to argue with me anymore. I met a Zach-Braff look-alike today actually. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, I should get out more and start meeting people starting with this hall. If I get very ambitious, I might even go to club in the near future.
Anyway 'The Simpsons' is on in the next four minutes so I might not even finish this post. What am I posting about anyway? I've already forgotten and I'm too lazy to check. I cant be bothered really. The bed awaits!

Trapdoors that open

Tona to me today in the drama queen moment of the month "Minega- stay out of my relationship with Teta!" This came after I had the audacity to suggest that I had noticed Teta bullying her recently and she was very serious when she delivered her threat. I love my sister dearly, but she doesn't really do angry very well. Serious yes but angry no. And there I was wondering if maybe she was auditioning for a play or something. Teta was also on hand to give me a tongue-lashing. Rama was loitering in the background trying to stir some shit up (he was the one who started everything by jokingly warning Tona not to bully Teta)'Well that's my opinion...' I started to say when we were leaving, but my brother jumped in with the punchline 'And if you don't like it, I've got more of them!' he said with perfect timing. As you can tell from this story, my brother is even sillier than me and my sisters might need to loosen up.
Stupid joke of the week: I was walking to the shops with Tommy.B and Quena to get a pizza on Sunday. We somehow end up talking about the emission of body odours and Tommy.B says 'Well you can't beat a nice fart'. 'You could' I said 'But trying to catch it would be a nightmare'.To his credit, Tommy laughed, but Q just shook her head. She has really suffered in the twelve months or so that we have been friends, the poor girl.
Random observations:
-If Ken Clarke eats any more, shouldn't he sign up for the Kyoto protocol?
-'Everything in its right place' DOES make sense when you think that its about Obssesive compulsive disoder.
-There is actually a girl in my class called Lush (you might need to live in England to get that)
-Would jurisprudence be any harder if they taught it in Greek? Poor Elly couldnt take it anymore- she dropped out today.
-There's a lot of bad gypsy jokes out there.
-Am I wrong about Peter Crouch?

The crumbs from Kimberly's table

Im at the library as I write this, finally on the verge of printing this dammn essay and getting it out of the way once and for all. In the end it turned out to be devilishly difficult- I had to incorporate views I expressed on the first day of the module together with my presentation into the question. Do I agree/disagree? Have my views changed? blah blah.The question itself was about a bloody page long. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
Best news of the month so far- 'Family guy' is coming to BBC2!!! I very nearly did a dance on the couch in the TV room when I saw that in the paper. However that would have made me seem more suspicious than I already seemed to be and I wisely decided to stay in my seat. In the long-run, this is usually the best course of action to take.
Meanwhile congratulations to Raymond for finally showing that he can talk shit worse than I write it-Hombre you did me proud!. He called me on Saturday evening in a last assault on his father's phone bill and for thirty minutes, we created such an overwhelming lack of sense, coherence or order that we very nearly caused a black hole that would have sucked up space and time into it resulting in the end of life as we know it. You are all lucky to be alive.

"Your'e going to need a bigger blog"

"Find me a cute lesbian and I'll fuck her"
This was the ever-quotable Quena at lunch today. She was telling my sisters and I about the fact that she thinks dating is stupid and has sworn off doing so for the near future. Suddenly a guy sitting next to her cheekily asks if she is a lesbian. Q defended herself, but soon there was a very long line of people lining up to make bad lesbian jokes. Q insisted she had only ever met ugly lesbians anyway and it was with that in mind that she uttered the famous statement above. You are always in danger of sliding into brain-dead conversations at the dinner table because it isn't easy to think effectively and eat at the same time. I'm saying this as a man who can multi-task so well that I can write an essay, chat with four people on MSN messenger and surf about three other sites at the same time. When it comes to eating and thinking- well, thats another kettle of fish altogether. Most of these conversations are better off not being blogged about mainly because their sheer stupidity might cause my dear reader's brains to simply curl up and stop functioning. Then again, if you are reading this blog- aren't you heading in that direction already?
Dear Lord- can anybody stop Chelsea? This is going to take a lot of excitement out of the Premier League if those bastards just keep WINNING all the time. They lead Bolton 5-1 as I write after going a goal down. Lampard is turning into the highest-scoring midfielder in the world. Not bad for someone who was once taunted with chants of 'fat frank'.
Anyway as I write this, I am struggling with legal positivism. Im six pages into the essay so with only two pages to go, I can relax a bit more. I've been invited to a party at Theo and Elly's tonight so if I'm done with this I'll probably head down there. Must remember to ask Kip about Heidegger.
I dont like the fact that this post has been largely coherent. My life will start to go downhill if I start making sense...

THE story: part 2

So anyway I call laura up;
"Hey laura" I say "It's me- Minega. We've been caught"
"What?" I heard her ask confused
"We've been caught" I repeated "Our affair- my girlfriend caught me. She found out we've been having a thing all this time"
There was a long pause on the other side.
"So what do we do now?" I ask "I assume you are going to be there for me right? After all the hypothetical things we have gone through?"
She cleared her throat and said "Minega- I can't do that. I can't have anything to do with you"
"Why not?" I asked, genuinely hurt.
"Well....I don't exist for starters"
This was a bombshell "What do you mean?" I asked stunned "Of course you exist. I'm talking to you right now aren't I?"
"No your'e not" She explained patiently "You are blogging a conversation with me that never took place. You don't even have any units in that phone of yours! You are not only blogging a pretend conversation, but you are doing it using someone who doesn't even exist except in the mind of some dodgy individual in Uganda. I think this is not even a funny joke"
Shit I'm thinking She's right! About everything!
"So what you are saying" I tell her slowly "Is that this conversation isn't really happening?"
She is quickly losing patience with me "Yes" She snaps.
A thought occurs to me "Maybe you do exist" I say suddenly "maybe it's my girlfriend who doesn't exist. What then?"
"That raises several interesting philosophical questions" She replies "None of which I am at liberty to answer seeing as I don't exist in the first place. And I'm not sure I want to be on that blog of yours"
ARRGH! This girl is GOOD! And this is getting really confusing.
"Don't call me again" She hisses. Then says "Good luck!" and hangs up. or does she? Everything is open to intepretation right now. If I didn't call her in the first place, then how can she hang up?
It's a pity- I was beginning to like her...

Its a drunken punchup at a wedding, yeah.

It was an absolutely shitty day today weather-wise. Rain, rain, rain. That's why I like to watch the weather forecast on TV- i find it gripping because there is so much bad news on the weather front that it becomes like a comedy sketch. 'And in the south there will be plenty of rain much like the north where there will be a few scattered showers and also heavy storms. Moving to the East...' and on and on it goes and I'm always there infront of the TV giggling. I read recently in the paper that the weather center is trying to change its image by telling the weathermen/women to appear cheerful and downplay the bad weather instead focusing on the positives. What positives are you going to get out of this deranged sky?
A nine o'clock beckons tomorrow for international law where I know absolutely nobody. I always sit at the back of the class and try to look serious. People hold on, but not everyone is in the wide-awake club. Sometimes my mind wanders. Dont piss on this parade. Right, right. Is that who I think it is?

rabbits on the moon

I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered it was no nightmare- 'The tourist' was scratched! Fuck! I did sleep quite late though- I had a good book and I was listening to Oasis, Res and Kanya West and feeling strangely content. One of those 'desert island with full supplies' moments. Needed a custard donut though. Who keeps all that stuff in our kitchen? Is there an imminent nuclear war I dont know about?
After the presentation yesterday, I'm standing outside the Palmer building with Elly, Theo and Andy. They are smoking and I'm watching people walk in and out of the automatic doors. You know this says a lot about your country, I was telling her Those automatic doors. Do you really need automatic doors? What's the point? Elly shrugs we don't really have them in Wales she says. And what does it say about the British then? Well that's open to debate but it doesn't say anything particularily complimentary. We are scolding Theo about the ambush question he unleased on the class right after our presentation as a discussion topic. Surely you should have told us first? But it's done anyway and we've got away with it.
One further announcement on this matter: I'm not pretending to be okay with this situation as some people are hinting- I AM okay with this situation (although I wouldnt mind if whoever is spreading stories about me contracts leprosy)I dont lie on my blog. This is after all more or less my diary (actually what are YOU doing here?) and I dont pretend or make up stuff. Its that simple. I put a lot of secret stuff here as well, but its always in code...
England v Poland today: Already in the world cup, but need that win quite badly.

and lo there was NO wailing and NO gnashing of teeth....

Apparently I'm supposed to be miserable, or so I'm being told. Is that how it goes? I dont know. Life is too beautiful to be ruined by things like that and besides being miserable takes too much effort on my part to be honest. And I'm a lazy bastard which everyone knows.
Anyway in more worthwhile news, I finally did my presentation today with the other three members and it went well. Legal positivism we have hereby kicked your ass! Now after my jurisprudence essay due next week, I should have the thing sorted out for the rest of the term. Yesterday I had that new Charlotte Church song 'call my name' in my head- its actually a pretty decent track but I may be biased because I like her. Heck, even Liam Gallagher likes her and you know what he's like.
Also I'm broke- very very broke and if I dont get a job, im screwed! I like to shock my friends by telling them just how little money I'm on. But I'm already job hunting and contemplating a life of crime if I get turned down.
Meanwhile- thanks for all the kind words everybody but I'm fine. Don't forget I have 'Laura' to guide me through this tough tough time! hehehe.

Breakup with girlfriend: part 1 (or- the mystery of laura)

Something funny happened to me today- My girlfriend broke up with me. It was a strong contender for the strangest breakup in recent history because I technically dont really know why I've been ditched and also my girlfriend didnt seem to have a clue what she was talking about.
This is the story as far as I'm able to make out. She sent me an sms last night saying we have to end it and she's sorry but we cant go on blah blah. I wrote back asking whats up? And she said she cant tell me why she's breaking up with me because 'she doesnt want to talk about it-now or ever' so please please dont ask her what exactly is wrong. I was like huh? So I called her this afternoon and only after a lot of bullying did I manage to get only half the story. Apparently she heard a story about me and someone called Laura. What exactly did we do? She wont tell and says she never will. Who told her that story? She wont say that either. What evidence does she have that made her freak out? She wont say. Does she think I did it? She's thirty percent sure. So if you are only thirty percent sure, why all the fuss? No answer. It was so absurd that I almost started giggling. She then went on to say that the real reason is that the story planted the seeds of doubt in her mind and she realized she would never be able to completely trust me whether or not the story is true.
You know if you are breaking up with me-far be it to stand in your way- surely the least I deserve is a proper explanation?
No im sorry, im not going to tell you she says I never want to talk about it again. Lets just leave it at that. At this stage im thinking 'she's just making this up as an excuse to breakup with me' but she convinced me she was serious. Laura- whoever she was- was a problem and one so big that she was not even going to talk about it. And- let me remind you- she didnt even completely believe the story in the first place. I was thinking 'This is very very dodgy'
In other words- it was a total waste of seven pounds to buy the two cards, because all I knew at the end of the convo was that I might have dated someone called Laura (she doesnt know where or who this person is) and 'it was a slap in the face when she heard the news'. Who is this Laura person? Im as clueless as you. The only Lauras I know is someone in my law class plus my mad friend in Canada who I havent yet met. I know very well I havent dated either of them. So who is this phantom Laura ive been linked to? I bullied and bullied but she refused to budge.
Its impossible to explain how bizzare the entire conversation was. In the end, she pretended she couldnt hear me and then cut me off because I was insisting on knowing about the Laura story. Dodgiest breakup of all time? Let's have your votes!

the cult of the universal lightness of being

You know there's a few words that fascinate me and one of them is 'hullabaloo'. Surely that is one of the strangest words in the English language? Its like the outcast who no one talks to, but its got personality I think. Another one is 'bamboozle' which I always picture as a dorkish bumbling dimwit, but a lovable one. Yann Martel in his introduction to his incredible book 'The life of pi' says you cant go wrong if you use the word 'bamboozle' in India where apparently it is very popular. I think they have good taste.
(folk tales from around the world, Dave Barry, rain, William Joyce and the all-singing, all dancing frogs, 'money for nothing', Sake...)
England and Austria tomorrow- come on Crouchie, give us a goal! Thank God Sven has finally got some balls and dropped Rio- at least if the papers are right about it anyway. No one should be in the squad on the strength of reputation alone. With Campbell and Terry in the center of defence (Carra and Young on the wings) and the usual suspects in midfield (Gerrard, lampard, Beckham and Cole) England should have little trouble giving Austria a good old fashioned ass-kicking.
Me and Rama resume our great scrabble rivalry tonight. its not going to be pretty. These scrabble games are always an opportunity for us to play another game I call stretch-the-metaphor. For example, one of us could dramatically throw something invisible to the ground and then say 'There! I've thrown down the gauntlet' or if someone is playing particularily well, he might rest on something invisible and then say offhand 'oh- just resting on my laurels- dont mind me' Its very silly, but thats how we do.

After a critical analysis of the situation, I decided to steal the milk.

Three days into the term and we have been tossed in like the Christians to the lions although at least they got a warning. I'm already knee deep in assignments and seminars. In jurisprudence the impossibly cheerful Marie Kleinhans tossed us the first big presentation of the term and gave us only a week to do it. Reading the required chapter, I could just about make out what was going on. Dammn you Austin! In international law we have an incredibly funny guy called Christopher Waters. He's got the class in stiches so many times already including a funny monologue about his fantasy of jumping the queue at lunch by bullying all the older lecturers ("What are they going to do about it? They all look like they are about to croak anytime soon anyway. I'm the fittest guy in the room so I could do whatever I want right? Who's going to stop me?") He was illustrating why states refrain from doing whatever the hell they want and what keeps them in check besides merely international laws that are not always enforced anyway. We were laughing so much we could barely follow what he was saying.
Further to yesterday's newspaper discussion, this country has a strage tradition- the biggest selling paper 'The sun' has a topless woman on its page 3 every frickin day. This is a family paper! But no one really seems to find it weird. What makes it even more strange- and funny- is that they always have something to say so you wont only get a topless woman with your cereal, but she will also have something clever to say like expressing strong views about the war in Iraq or about Turkey's attempt to join the EU. Its quite funny.
Basically I've been laughing a lot since I got here.

the war against spam comments

I have been getting a lot of spam comments on this site, so I've put in that word verification thingy. This means that if you want to post a comment you'll have to pass a little test first. As long as you can read you should do okay.

round and round and round and round and round....and round

Its hard sometimes not to be swept up in the utter silliness and hysterical nature of England's tabloids. Now England has some of the most celebral and interesting papers on earth- the Sunday times is almost a spiritual experience if you can get through it- but they also have the silliest and most insane tabloids you are ever likely to see. There's two groups- the ones which are silly and complete nonsense but know it (The sun' and 'The daily mirror' and even 'The star' which only barely qualifies as a newspaper) and the ones that take themselves very very seriously but are in reality a total piece of shit. These last ones are the ones with real entertainment value if you read them as a parody of an actual newspaper. Im thinking of 'The Daily mail' and 'The daily express'. Both consider themselves to be the moral beacon for the entire country and it was 'The mail' which had one of the funniest headlines of all time. It was simply 'WHY DO THEY KEEP LYING?' about the Blair cabinet. You cant get any funnier than that, but those bastards are dead serious. Or you get stuff like 'TWENTY MILLION IMMIGRANTS INVADING ENGLAND-LOCK UP YOUR DOORS!' and so many other anti-foreigners stuff like that and you are thinking-Who writes this shit? And does the editor really have their tongue planted firmly in their cheek? Because they cant possibly be serious.
But they are. They actually are.
random classic line -'five times a night sex fiend' was in 'The sun' and its become a running joke with me and my brother. You cant make this stuff up! See what Kate Moss had for breakfast! Brittney has a large zit on her cheek-exclusive! There is a real world out there, but you will not find it in here.

four goals and a stupid, stupid radiator that plays little part in this post but shall be mentioned just the same

I am still in a state of shock after Sunday's 4-1 defeat to Chelsea. I must thank God for small mercies- the TV room was booked when the game was on. If I had been unlucky enough to watch it, I would have given serious thought to slitting my wrists. Oh why did u go gently into that goodnight Liverpool? I was moody today because of that. Run into many acquaintances and had to struggle to make convo when I sure as hell did not want to talk to them. Its funny that out of the hundred or so people in my law class, I only know three of them well enough to consider them 'friends' and only half-a dozen even qualify as acquaintances.
I was thinking about that today during our History of English seminar ar four this afternoon. The seminar started very well and she had actually managed to 'sex up' the module by telling us how exciting and fascinating it would be (in retrospect it was very gullible of me to swallow that crap. I mean the title of the module is a fucking clear clue!) but it quickly went downhill and by the end I had as much affection for it as Godzilla had for Tokyo. By the time I got back, I was so fired up with frustration that I attacked my food with great gusto but as Douglas Adams said, its a major mistake to think you can solve any major problems only with potatoes.
ARRGH DAMN YOU THIRD YEAR! AND THE RADIATOR! WHY MUST YOU SPITE ME THE TWO OF YOU?
Anyway yeah the people. I knew three of them, but everyone else was a total stranger to me. Id never said two words to them and theyd never said the same to me. Strange that you can study with people for two years five or so times a week and not be able to tell them from Adam.
I think Rafa should keep playing Peter Crouch.
And I cant believe Guy Ritchie has had 'revolver' shat upon by every single film critic in this country. They got so desparate for good quotes that the film bilboard has an endorsement from a topless model who appeared on page 3 of 'The sun'. I think Ritchie is the most talented director to emerge from England in ages- 'snatch' and 'lock, stock and two smoking barrels' are two of the funniest films ever made, too funny infact to be appreciated in a single sitting. You have to keep coming back to them to see new layers and appreaciate the sly and not so subtle-jokes all over again. How could he have gone so wrong? (of course I have decided that 'swept away' has never existed as many of you naturally have)

out of Africa

So I have finally left the motherland. Yesterday evening I boarded a KLM flight and with little incident safely reached Heathrow although the absence of a red carpet was disappointing. However I must say the meals you get on KLM are now only barely edible, but hey I get to fly all the way here so who am I to complain. People used to ask my sister 'How did you guys get here?' and my sister told them by camel 'as all other Africans do'. They didnt know whether to believe her. It's often quite astonishing how little people know about Africa, but to their credit they are often very curious to find out. I have got more people to point out Rwanda on the map than possibly anyone else since the colonialists.
Anyway I am sadly not the token Black guy guy here anymore ( maybe I should say African-actually there were two other black guys here last year, but one was English and the other I didnt count for reasons I shall reveal at a time of my choosing). Today I noticed quite a few other black people wondering around, a few of whom seem very definitely African and all have that fresher look of innocence that I remember so well. I wanted to go up to one of those guys and give that 'not another teen movie' gag "Hey man- im the token black guy here. What are you doing here? There can only be one of us!" sadly such things are often wiser as a running monologue in one's head. Anyway with so many freshers from all over the world currently besieging our wonderful hall, I am pleased to see just how many people I will be able to ignore this academic year.
For those who havent discovered 'The onion' I urge you to go there regularily. http://www.theonion.com/content/index.
Girlfriend update part 1: "It's alright, its alright....its alright. She moves in mysterious ways"