on and on...

Burns night on Friday turned out to be just as interesting as I had anticipated. I went down to the JCR to watch a roomful of completely drunk people trying to dance to traditional Scottish music and if you didn't see that sight and laugh out loud, you would have to have a heart of stone. There was a live 'band' (three old men)and a stern-looking woman reading out instructions on how to do the whole thing, but she might as well have been reading the Greek constitution for all the good it did my drunk hallmates. Everyone just did their thing which made it a lot more unpredictable but funny as hell.
Anyway I somehow found myself at one of the weirdest parties I have ever been to at a house about fifteen minutes away from our hall. I know I use the word 'weird' frequently but this was the real Mccoy. The house looked like it would fall apart any second-just getting into it was by some tiny backdoor stepping over some kind of machinery that could easily have been the remains of an army tank. The party itself was localised in three tiny rooms-one of them had a lot of large aluminium tubes running through it. Mind you I was completely sober so don't accuse me of having a hyperactive imagination. One of my friends put it best "Do people actually live here?" Those were my sentiments exactly- thank God I was at least in good company. The only music being played was techno and most of the house was in darkness so I cant say it was 'happening'. There's weird interesting and weird weird. This was weird weird and also a serious fire hazard now that I think about it. We left about two hours later groping for words to describe the whole thing but no one could do it justice. One of the guys in our group was a German guy called Christopher and on the way there I was telling him about the way I grew up practically bombarded with German TV-inspector Derrick, The Old Fox, Football made in Germany, Clown Ferdinand(in retrospect very creepy) Pappenheimer, Didi's comedy show(the Rwanda brigade- tell me you don't remember that growing up!) and all those cheesy TV shows we were fed as kids on UTV. It suddenly occured to me that we had got nothing but German TV growing up all the way to around 1994 and I'm not sure I am a better person for it.
Got back and watched the Australian open women's final. Did Serena kick ass or what? Lying in bed at 3am in the morning with a cold drink in my hand and watching an incredible game of women's tennis it occurs to me that life like so totally rocks. Have you guys got the memo?
I cannot believe there is actually a debate in this country about whether we should have 24 hour drinking or not. What's not to like? Bring it on and do it yesterday! It's about time we joined the rest of the world in this regard. Bars closing at 11am and clubs at 2am is ridiculous. I'd like to give a big up to my main man Tony Blair for finally seeing the light.
As for putting up links- if anyone knows how to achieve this task then do tell me how because I am clueless on how to do it and I'm also terrified that in the process I might end up losing everything I've written which would be a bummer.
Also I think I will never understand Elvis.

you know how WE do it....

I don't know about you guys, but I've read an awful number of blogs since I first started this pile of crap. I only revisit a handful of them, but I do bookmark and read quite a few all the same and it's funny how interesting you can find poeple's lives to be. Everytime I log on I find myself reading blogs of people I don't know, and even when they post about the most mundane things it's always interesting to read. I think it's quite ironic because we had all these experts telling us not so long ago about the way the Internet would make us all drift apart and withdraw into ourselves. Instead the opposite has happened and it's mainly thanks to the blogosphere methinks. Anyway let me take this opportunity to stick out my tongue to the 'experts' and say 'Nyah nyah!'.
I was watching 'National Geographic' today and apparently female tarantulas eat an approaching male suitor from time to time if he's not careful. You would think 'I have a headache' would be less of a hassle but no, she has to go a step further and devour the poor guy. Dammn- there's a punchline waiting in there somewhere but I can't really be bothered. I'm off to catch up on land law.
Meanwhile the Di Caprio debate shall resume in the next post.

I prefer to steer clear of a sheep's stomach

Friday will be Burns night- yet another formal dinner that won't see my black ass. This will have a definite Scottish feel for it since it is done in honour of Robert Burns the Scot poet who...well, wrote a lot of poetry and then...erm, died. The highlight of the day-which will be replicated in the hall- is a dish called Haggis which was apparently Burns favorite meal and must be eaten on Burns night; for non-Scots a bucket nearby might come in handy. Basically it is sheep lungs and liver mixed with onions, spices and a lot of other stuff all served in a sheep's stomach. Call me a sissy but I'll pass. Apparently Burns even wrote a poem to Haggis which just goes to show that people didn't really have much of a social life back in the day. Anyway I'll be in the bar later and that much should be fun at least.
Also people- if you haven't discovered 'Blackadder' yet, then you had better get going. It's very English and at least twenty years old but it's one of the funniest comedy series you'll ever watch and it's got Rowan Aitkinson not playing the clown. I went a step further and bought the entire scripts at Waterstones-obviously not as funny READING the jokes but one must make do. The pre-sleep hours have been decidedly funnier as a result. It's the third and fourth series that are really outrageously funny.
Also- can the media please fuck off with all this 'The truth about Brad and Angelina' stuff-enough already! So she put her head on his shoulder? Oooooh- watch out they're gonna screw any second now! I am so past caring it's not even funny.
I still really, really want to see 'Team America: world police'. Any film that has a song called 'America-fuck yeah!' cannot possible be ignored.

A word on the Oscars

Oscar Nominations are out and 'Hotel Rwanda' got THREE nominations! Although it is unlikely to win in any of the fields. Of course 'The aviator' got more nods than you could shake a stick at. I havent seen it yet, but its the kind of ambitious film that screams 'Give me an Oscar! now!' And at this point let me also defend Leonardo DiCaprio who is not-and has never been- a bad actor. His downfall has been in the movies he has picked some awful (titanic) some annoying as hell (The Beach) and some just mediocre (Gangs of New York) but most of his early stuff will show you what he can do- especially 'Basketball diaries' which is his best performance ever and he was pretty solid in 'Catch me if you can'. This is for you Laura- stop hating on the poor guy!
That said, the only sure thing is that Jamie Foxx is going to win the best actor award. If somehow he did not, CNN will have their hands full covering the riots that will follow.
And the razzies are also out i.e the awards that are the opposite of the Oscars- Worst picture, worst performances and all that. Interestingly enough both George. W. Bush and Condolezza Rice got TWO nominations for 'Farenheit 911'. I couldnt help chuckling at that. I read somewhere that only one person has ever shown up to collect their award- Tom Green for one of the worst films in the history of mankind 'Freddy got fingered'. Worst pic this year will almost definetly go to 'Catwoman'.

Nice to be out

Live everyone else, I complain about everything- the weather, the food, the heating, the lecture times, the workload...pretty much everything that isn't tip-top. Of course if you sit in your room and moan on your own it doesnt do much good, so you've got to do it with your friends. Sitting around with your friends just bitching about everything is absolutely wonderful because somehow it makes things a lot more bearable when you moan about it. It's like complaining about the food somehow reduces how bad it really is. England is a nation of whiners and I've adapted impressively fast.
Still-that should never stop you realizing that you are fucking lucky to be alive and life-warts and all- is beautiful almost every step of the way. There is nothing too mundane to be beautiful. Don't move so fast. Stop and take it all in, you will be suprised.
PS: You might just catch a cold instead. Terms and conditions apply. This website accepts no responsibility for any injury that may arise from this activity. The concept of 'beautiful' may vary.

the end of the world and Chris Martin's lucky escape

Read something alarming this morning. No need to choke on your cereal, but apparently the total destruction of mankind and all should come a lot sooner than has been anticipated. According to the INDEPENDENT, a global study says in the next few years we shall reach the point at which the earth will be doomed thanks to the policies that have turned the ozone layer into mush. Basically we are screwed. I suggest a lot of reflection in the days ahead.
For Coldplay fans- apparently Chris Martin nearly perished a week ago. He was on a visit to West Africa and the small plane he was in had to make a landing in a sandstorm so the pilot couldn't see jack-all and they only landed by the seat of their pants. Close one!

What's going down...what's going around..I'm climbing the wall

Went for a party on Friday thrown by a friend and a few of his friends mostly for the benefit of the Uni International students. As a result I got to meet a lot of interesting and 'diverse' group of people including a German girl who knows martial arts, plays rugby and has worked in a mental hospital and an American guy who was dressed as a Star wars character (helmet included) and went around mumbling something nobody could really understand. Also there was the guy dressed up as a high-ranking military officer who ran back to the hall(which is about ten minutes away) barefoot-in full uniform- trying to get something and then realized he had forgotten his keys on getting there- nobody will really let him get over that in a a hurry. There was also a ten minute conversation about bread with a guy dressed as a special forces agent and a Spaniard which just had to be heard to be believed although I did at least know those two fairly well. I dont need to add that aforementioned conversation-and all the other weird things that might have happened- were sponsored entirely by alcohol which-Bless it- has been sponsoring good times since the Stone age.
My girlfriend has not contacted me for more than a week now so I am going to have to drag her out into the open and embarass her. Mimi, you have some serious explaining to do.
I'm reading 'The poisonwood bible' by Barbra Kingsolver about an American family who settle in a Congolese village in the sixties trying to spread the word of God-well the father anyway, the rest cant be bothered. It's gripping reading although it comes in at a door-stopping 600-plus pages.
Liverpool lost again. I'm getting really annoyed now- to Southampton! The humiliation! 'Match of the day' is never really that much fun if your team is losing.
Why exactly does my local radio station think its funny to play Natasha Bedingfield's 'unwritten' every ten minutes of every day? Why, why why? How long are we going to suffer that song-and same goes for Lamar's 'if there's any justice' an equally irritating song.

Posting from utterly-bonkers land- independent since Monday.

This week our hall has been doing a lot of things for charity-some of them funny (karaoke night) some of them a bit bizzare (slave auction) but some of them so utterly out of this world that words fail you. Such an event took place tonight under the curious name of 'man-o-man'. The basic idea is basically getting six brave guys, plying them with enough alcohol to totally fuck them up and then unleash them to the bar where they go through a series of rounds including telling pick-up lines, jokes, carrying out random activities (like going into the crowd to obtain a black bra) and a lot of other things that ranged from funny to shocking to downright scandalous. When you see a straight guy playing with a dildo, two others snogging, one sitting on his buddy's face, another exposing his ass to the crowd and then having strips of something-or-other glued onto it and then ripped off by a volunteer...Well thats for people made of sterner stuff than I am. When they began to strip right at the end (they are supposed to walk through the crowd stark naked asking for money) I was out of there so fast I nearly broke the sound barrier. Of course I should have learned my lesson from last year, but it was morbid viewing at its worst- You know the car-crash kind that you can't turn away from.
PS: Who would have thought that the post that generated more comments than any other (eleven) would be the one I posted exclusively about rats? You guys are a weird bunch...

To mama

Yesterday was my mother's birthday and I'd like to take this moment to pay tribute to the greatest mother a guy could ever ask for. I will not make the mistake of putting up her age-who knows what retribution will await me if I dare, but suffice to say she has aged incredibly gracefully and let's leave it at that. Here is to you mama- my original hero(ine) Thank you for everything- I love you.

Yes, its cold...

-I woke up on Monday morning and discovered that outside was colder than an Eskimo's fridge. Not to worry: I had a plan more cunning than any conceived by a Fox who has been appointed professor of cunning at Oxford University.
The plan of course was stay in bed.
I couldnt however pull the same shizzle on Tuesday and so I had to walk into some serious conditions that the weather center calls "freeze your balls off weather". Sometimes I just want to sit down and have a beer with the weather. I'd ask exactly what issues he's got going on. Did he have a bad childhood? Is frostbite funny?
-Also: Congratulations to hellophotokitty for her modest but important role in bringing Ninjas to the world. Do you think you could squeeze them somewhere into the story?
-And Dammn theres some cool music out there. The other day my brother stopped by and we were chatting in the car when we suddenly heard the most beautiful music imaginable. It was basically jazz but dominated by a soft accoustic guitar in a way I had never heard before and it was the most calming and beautiful thing. At the end of it, we just looked at each other open-mouthed and said 'WOW!' His name is Branco Stoysin from Yugoslavia and if I dont get my hands on his CD I shall not be responsible for the consequences.
-Has anyone seen the amazing pictures taken by the European Space probe Hugyens of the surface of Titan? That's some amazing shit! Still it does make me wonder what we will find there. Paris Hilton's soul? Michael Jackson's real nose? The ball from Roberto Baggio's penalty miss in the 1994 World cup final? The most inacessible branch of Mcdonalds? An elephant that only responds to the name 'Tubby?' Any other entries welcome and actively encouraged.

Rats

We have giant rats in the hall. They arent INSIDE the hall per se as you are unlikely to run into them in the corridor or see one doing the Conga on your bed. However they are certainly downstairs hiding in the bushes and darting around everytime you step out. I have not actually seen one properly because the bloody things move so fast all you see is a blur but I can assure you they are big fuckers.
And it does make me wonder if they will eventually take over Wantage Hall. Dont laugh- a pair of rats can breed 15,000 little ones in a single year. Trust me they are busy little bastards- I read once that the average rat can mate with 20 different female rats in six hours so that figure isnt as suprising as it looks on the surface. If we have maybe five or six rats that live around here on a full-time basis and assuming they can all pair off with each other then we are in for a nasty suprise in the future. Personally I'm not afraid of rats at all (and I think spiders are cool) so a rat invasion will simply be an excuse for me to show off my legendary rat-killing skills.
I cannot believe I'm blogging about rats at one am.

definitely maybe

Drinking water straight out of the tap has always been one of the little pleasures of living in the developed world, but today I was shocked to discover that it's not advisable. To put it bluntly, pigeons shit in the dammn thing. yes, thats right- theres pigeon poo in our water supply somehow. Many thanks to the kind friend who has completely ruined my desire to drink water any more. Cheers.
And by the way- Samuel.L.Jackson is the coolest actor alive. Fact.
Bad joke of the day: What goes clipclopclipclopBANGBANGclipclop? An Amish drive-by shooting

Donuts- is there anything they can't do?

Went out last night- it was a friends birthday and I think I'm getting too old for this because after two hours, I was tired and wanted to leave. Also I missed 'match of the day' on BBC one and you've got to be a bloody good friend of mine if you are going to make me miss the soccer highlights but Ellie is, bless her heart.
-Laura: 'Daughters' is a beautiful song isnt it? Seriously how many singer today would write a song with that kind of message? As for Harry I like him, but that kind of stupidity should interest certain men in white coats. My views on Brittney-ahem. Let's just say I wouldnt piss on her if she was on fire.
-Seema, Photokitty and James have accepted the Ninja challenge and inner peace is thus theirs for the taking. The rest of you shall have to deal with your own psychological issues of Ninja-hatred but I suggest you seek some help as soon as possible.
-A few days ago I was talking about stereotypes when I got a real taste of it. I was coming into the hall and I was on the phone when a large contigent of people were walking in my direction on their way out. "What's up brother?" their leader- a large white guy said. Then just as they got to me he said "Gangster!" I was thinking 'what the fuck?' but I ended up laughing so hard I had to end the call. Let me stress once again that any similarities between me and gangsters is entirely accidental and if I met said guy-much as he made me laugh- I shall make that clear.
-And color me suprised at the Francophone contigent! Je suis vraiment choquee qu'il ya autant des Francophones ici. En Angleterre personne voulait apprendre une nouvelle langue et Je trouve ca triste. Cela doivent etre une partie d'education et ca me donne plaisir decouvrir les autres qui parles Francais. Pourtant J'ai besoin de pratiquer un peu plus.
-I just finished 'A scanner Darkly' and Im thinking Philip.K. Dick-and not Isaac Asimov- was the greatest sci-fi writer of all time. The man was shockingly brilliant and the main reason I'm a fan of sci-fi literature. It's going to be a film soon directed by Richard Linklater so be on the lookout for it. It's not so much a sci-fi story as a perils-of-drugs story

No Ninjas in this post...well...kinda...

No Tesi I have not cut you off! The net was down last night but earlier in the day I was away getting into adventures and stuff. Anyway I see no one has yet had the courage to take up the Ninja challenge with some shamefully chickening out (you know who you are!) What a strange world- you would think people would jump at the chance to talk about Ninjas but alas!
-Prince Harry is in hot water for dressing up as a Nazi. You start to wonder if maybe the royal family is- to put it in politically-correct terms-fucking mad. I personally find the idea of a monarchy repulsive and completely unnecessary and countries' need monarchies as badly as fish need bicycles- but then thats just my opinion.
-Watched 'Finding neverland' which was really sweet and made most of the people I went with actually cry. It was that kind of movie and amazingly Johnny Depp can pull off a Scottish accent confirming himself as the second coolest actor alive. It's basically the story of how J.M. Barrie's friendship with some kids and their mother inspired him to write 'Peter Pan' and its a really fantastic film about the triumph of the imagination. The rest of the night was spent having an increasingly surreal series of conversations with some friends and then went to sleep listening to John Mayer.

Ninjas and other oddities

Okay I've been asked about the whole running Ninjas gag that's been going on for the last few weeks or so and the answer is that theres really nothing to it. I tend to find that posts get that extra 'zing' when I include the word 'ninja' and also bring a welcome element of the surreal.
So here is the Ninja challenge to everyone who stops by- When you put up the next post on your blogs, include Ninjas in it whether as a subject of the entire post, or maybe just inserting them randomly in a post that has nothing to do with Ninjas- the decision is yours. Either way I want to see at least one Ninja reference in blogs starting tomorrow.
This is the Ninja challenge. Accept it or feel the emptiness inside. I shall monitor the blogs of the people who comment here (Yes that includes YOU!) and post everyone's 'Ninja moment' in a few days.

Tuesday

Officialy first day of school today. Had a ten o'clock which I miraculously (infact heroically) managed to attend. Got sidetracked by two friends and found myseft drinking wine BEFORE MIDDAY at their house which is without a doubt the first time that has ever happened to me. I was fine though- they were still drunk from clubbing last night so the extra wine didnt help either of them. They ended up giggling throughout the law lesson we had later and they had to leave before the end.
I was talking to this guy when I went over to their house and I was telling him I grew up in Uganda. He asked 'Where exactly?' I told him Kampala and he actually nodded knowingly. I asked him if he had ever been to Uganda obviously assuming for some reason there was no way in hell he had been there.
"Yes" He said "A few years ago I went to Mityana to help build an orphanage..." I was like YIKES!
Went for 'Collateral' later on. Brilliant film-definetly one of the best of last year and Tom Cruise's best performance outside 'magnolia'. There was a scene in the cab when he was asking Jamie Foxx why he cared about a guy he (Cruise) had just killed. Suddenly he went on this ramble about the Rwanda genocide and asked Foxx if he had shed any tears for the dead Rwandans. It was really weird hearing Tom Cruise talking about Rwanda. Foxx's reply(well- his character's anyway!) was telling though and a perfect illustration of why the world let the genocide happpen.
He said "I dont know any Rwandans"

Here we go again...

The second semester is underway and everyone is back in the hall. I have to go back into a world where a hot girl is called 'fit', where 'innit?' is a regular part of a conversation and where 'are you going out tonight?' forms the basis of almost every single conversation. Not that I'm jaded or anything. There are a lot of interesting people in the hall, and Im always open to an interesting conversation. Most of the time though, I prefer to eat a meal on my own because the quality of the food usually makes me irritable enough to be good company only to a mental patient and also I have to always be on my guard for the Ninjas. In addition my insomnia has gotten particularily bad and I went a grand total of 21 hours without sleep some time ago. That doesnt make me cranky, but it does make me wonder why I paid money for a bed.
And of course this means a fresh round of assuring people that Rwanda is not one of Jupiter's moons but is a country in Central Africa and also to inform them that I do not live in a cave or hunt for my dinner. I have never worn a loincloth either and any similarity between my lifestyle and Tarzan's is exaggerated. Let the education begin!

Funny story...

About the England soccer coach Sven Goran Eriksson which I heard on BBC's 'Fighting talk'. This story is extra funny if you know what Sven Goran Eriksson looks like- he looks like he couldnt get laid in a Thailand brothel that's offering a 70 percent off Christmas deal and when he talks, he sounds really mentally retarded.
Anyway he has been a playboy, lack of good looks notwithstanding, and he has cheated on his equally weird girlfriend with quite a few women. One of them recently revealed that before lovemaking, as theyr'e getting ready, lights dimmed, music..etc... the last thing he does before lovemaking is LOAD THE DISHWASHER! Can you imagine thinking- 'right, im having sex in about ten seconds- id better get the dishes out of the way!' Top marks to the guy. No wonder he is getting laid so often.

Film ramblings

Lots of films coming out that I'm looking forward to- 'Elektra' and 'Million Dollar baby' are both opening here in about a week and I can finally resume going to the cinema because we have had an awful lot of junk over the christmas period. I'm not so sure I want to watch 'Alexander' because it has got some of the worst reviews of any film released last year. Then again, minus 'Any given sunday' Oliver Stone hasn't made a good film in the last 15 years so I didn't have too much hope for it anyway. The way he directed 'Natural born killers' really pissed me off- if you can mess up a script by Quentin Tarantino then you shouldnt even be directing should you? It was as if he directed the whole thing while afflicted with leprosy and with a lot of drugs nearby.
As for 'The Aviator' I will probably see that,but Im kind of discouraged by the fact that they apparently decide not to show the last half of his life when he really got nutty (if you have nothing to do, look up Howard Hughes' last 15 years or so- its a very disturbing read) If you are going to do a movie on the guys life and not focus on his years as a madman then why even bother? Anyway its Martin Scorcese, the greatest living director on the planet of course Im going to be there.
As for 'Star wars' I really, really dont get the whole thing. Put me in the 'huh?' camp for 'Revenge of the sith'

Random 'Simpsons' scene of the week

Marge: Homer- is this one of your get-rich-quick schemes?
Homer: No, but its going to get us rich- and quick!

odds and ends

-Yes Raymond I got your text on my birthday which is why I apologized a few posts down for not mentioning that, didnt u read the post you illeterate fool? I hope you are having a blast man, but who is going to guide me down the path of the straight and narrow now that you are away? Well send me some pointers.
-And of course one must comment on one of the most significant events of the new decade and one which will have a powerful effect on the course of history for years to come- I am talking of course of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt breaking up. I have tried my best to give a dammn, seriously but I just can't. Eighty percent of the world's female population will of course be feeling a lot happier and more power to them. I am, however a lot more interested in the contents of my handkerchief after I have sneezed in it.
-There should be a motion in Parliament to prevent Mario from releasing singles in the UK. Not content with raping Enya for the song where he doesnt mind his girl getting it on with everyone else, he has actually decided to-gasp-release another song. One that is making my ears bleed. Enough I say.
-I was watching the nomination hearing for Alberto Gonzalez who is set to replace John 'fuck your rights' Ashcroft as attorney general of the US. It was hilarious the way they spent about twenty minutes totally kising his ass "Could you please introduce us to your besutiful family...and is that your mother she is tremendous..."etc. For a while there I thought I was watching congress at an indoor picnic. They did eventually get around to grilling him especially for calling the Geneva convention 'obsolete'. Yeah you know that treaty that says you shouldnt,like, torture prisoners and civilians during wartime? Yeah its not that important any more, lets just bin it shall we? was basically his argument when he wrote that famous memo. Asked about it, he said- and I quote- "erm...yeah that...right...can I go to the bathroom? no? Well...hey guys why dont we all just get along!" Well he didnt but that answer would have made more sense than what he actually said.
-I think I would have been a more complete individual if I had not discovered jazz so late in life.

And the winner of Caption Contest number 3 is Kitten for the 'Is it in yet?' contribution. Here is some champagne for you and I hope you can forgive my unorthodox methods of opening said bottle! My thanks to everyone else who threw in their two cents.

Caption contest number 3: best punchline wins as usual. Everybody else will simply have my goodwill which is just as important.

From the Coldplay appreciation society

Coldplay is releasing their third album in March. Let me quote Homer Simpson here and eloquently express my feelings on this matter 'WOO-HOO!!'
But could they really top 'A rush of blood to the head'? Their first album 'Parachutes' was brilliant enough, but they really hit it out of the park with the second one. How on earth are they going to make an album to compare to either of them? How can they ever release a single as good as 'clocks'? Im really curious to see this. It's no suprise that they are one of the few British groups to make it big in America (the Grammy probably didnt hurt I guess) I'm really really looking forward to it.

TV reflections

-'Alias' is back on TV and I'm delighted. However it is in a time which TV critics like to call 'the graveyard slot' i.e after midnight so only insomniacs and jobless people like me will be able to watch it. I love the fact that it has completely refused to dumb down- the plots are always so incredibly complicated that your head starts spinning within five minutes. And Jennifer Garner is in it. There's worse ways to spend a Monday night!
-And on the other side of the scale, I witnessed the most terrifying documentary on TV I might ever see in my life- 'Wacko about Jacko' which was about obsessive Michael Jackson fans. I could only watch about ten minutes before running out of the room screaming 'Aiiiii! my eyes!'. The most terrifying thing about it was that many fans are undergoing plastic surgery TO LOOK LIKE HIM! Think about that for a few seconds, and if your head doesnt explode then tell me how these people can be allowed to live amongst us. They should be in a nut house and they should be there yesterday.
-Last night I witnessed one of the most remarkable moments in English soccer history- the goal that never was. It was Manchester United against Tottenham and the game was as tense as hell. Then right at the last minute, Pedro Mendes hit the ball all of 60 yards and the Man U keeper caught it and then somehow let it go. The ball bounced more than three feet over the line- it was as clear a goal as you will ever see. But incredibly enough, the linesman said play on and the goal didnt stand. What the fuck? My mouth was hanging open in shock. When 30,000 people in the stadium and millions of people watching TV see the same thing, but one stupid, slow and definetly blind linesman doesnt- well something is wrong. Game ended 0-0. My brother called me up seconds after seeing the highlights, but he wasnt furious suprisingly. I would have been spitting out lead.

Cupid's new weapon of choice?

And here I must say congratulations to someone close to me who has been struck by Cupid's arrow. Actually thats not quite correct- what happened in this case was Cupid grabbed a baseball bat and hit her repeatedly over the head. Its the only way to explain some of the things this person has been saying. Well good on you anyway and long may it last.

I talked to God in a phonebox on my way home

-Dont you think life should come with subtitles? Maybe that's just me...
-Insomnia is a wonderful thing.
-I want to take down all those '70 percent off!' posters and make a wonderful bonfire. I think thats illegal though. And yes I am broke and therefore just a bit bitter that shops are selling things dangerously close to third-world prices.
-Life doesnt really suck, it just gets a bit bitchy and always wants the remote.
-Who exactly do I have to bribe/beat up/beg to watch 'Garden State'? What kind of world do we live in when Bridget Jones runs for umpteen weeks but we cant even get one week for 'Garden State'? And how on earth did I end up missing 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'? ARRRGHHH!
-Liverpool lost only because the ref didnt spot the most blatant handball in the history of mankind. That bastard should be locked up and never ever given a whistle again. Chelsea didnt deserve to win that game- not that I'm bitter of course but fuck! The injustice!
-Albums I intend to own in the next few weeks: Keane 'Hopes and fears', Res 'How I do', John Legend 'Get lifted', Jason Mraz 'Waiting for my rocket to come' and Ismael Lo 'Jammu Africa'. I have to get going- so many banks to rob, so little time...

Go here because I say so

Cant go any further before pointing you out to the excellent blog of my very good friend Seema-http://www.missholysinner.blogspot.com/
( Yes I still dont know how to post links) Seema is one of the people Im really privileged to know- she was really intimidating at first, but once I got to know her I wasnt sorry- shes one of the coolest, funniest and most intelligent people I know. Hey Seema you rock girl! However beware the perils of bullying me online-many have tried and have paid the consequences.

a tale of two shows

You have to give kudos to the British because these people have balls judging by two of the most popular programs on TV this year- 'Little britain' and 'Shameles'. Both are comedies, but there's nothing ordinary about them- they are just about the most politicall- incorrect, outrageous and offensive shows you could possibly imagine. Yet they are both incredibly funny.
'Little Britain' has got a cast of characters that a lunatic asylum wouldnt touch with a ten foot pole( and all of them played by men)- a frighteningly obese nymphomaniac who relishes every opportunity to show off her nudity, a gay man who insists he is the 'only gay man in the village' and is determined to find prejudice with everyone, a teenage mother who swaps her baby for a Westlife CD, and a gay assistant to the prime Minister who is jealous of every man that he meets and also tries unsuccesfuly to seduce him and also a weight-loss instructor who is so cruel to her clients that you cant help cringing. There is also an unhealthy amount of vomit and gross moments and it is so politically-incorrect that I suspect most of the country watches it from behind the couch and with the curtains shut.
In 'Shameless' we have the Gallagher family every single member being one of the following- a thief, a foul mouthed thug, a drunk or a criminal or juvenile of some kind. And yet they are all sympathetic characters and once you are drawn into their world, its very hard to get out. There is enough bad language to make Eminem jealous.
I dont think either of these would ever get shown on American TV or anywhere else for that matter.

updated thank you's...

Thanks to Raymond for the text message, Seema and Daniella for the comments and Teta for the lovely post that I only read yesterday.