The last days of Rome

Wednesday was the last night out so I found myself in the club, sober (at first) and annoyed about it. I duly got around to trying to remedy this unfortunate situation but of course these things take time. The one place you do not want to experience while sober is the Union and considering I have spent the majority of the academic year very sober indeed, I wasn't even sure I remembered how to get drunk.
I was upstairs trying to get a second beer when some big guy I had never seen before put his arm around me and drew me into his circle "Hey mate" He said "How are you doing?" Then after a few more slurred words which I couldn't quite make out-he was of course very drunk- he pointed to the two women he was with.
"This is slag number one" He said and then pointing to the other added "And this is slag number two"
I didn't know what to say to this, but he carried on "They are both slags you see" he continued and then pointing to the one nearer to me said "You can grab her tits if you want- go on"
The girl turned around and gave us both a sort of glazed half-smile before continuing her conversation with 'slag number two' and another guy. Being referred to as 'slag number one' was obviously something she did not seem to object to.
I told my new friend "I don't think that is such a good idea"
He insisted but I told him I would rather not grope a woman who I had never met before but was now going by the charming alias of 'slag number one'. Then his friend raised his pint of beer in my direction and yelled something that sounded like "Tommy!" at me. I raised my beer and because I couldn't think of anything else to say told him "Cheers mate!". The word 'mate' was flying around a bit too much considering I had never seen any of these people before.
It goes without saying that the whole incident was rather weird. I made my excuses and left to get another beer. This was a bit too much for a sober guy to handle.

"I'm not really a party person" I said
"Really? So who is the real Minega then?"
I remember saying "I don't really know, but I know what I'm not"

Everything seems to happen very fast in a club. When the beer gets knocked onto your shirt, it happens so fast that you rarely notice until a few seconds later. You learn always to gulp down until the beer is no longer near the top because a lot of it will otherwise end up on your shirt. Getting served is also a nightmare- I was at mojos for about thirty minutes and I literally had to shout my order as soon as the guy handed over beers to someone else so that he could serve me. The guy next to me said "Nice effort mate" and I thought he was being sarcastic and was annoyed that I had got in my order before him. He repeated that sentence after I asked him what he had said and my alarm bells were ringing especially because the girl he was with was tugging at his shirt as if to tell him to chill out. It eventually became clear that he was genuinely just congratulating me on getting in my order and wasn't actually looking for a fight. We spent the next few minutes sharing horror stories about how hard it was to get a drink at the bar. I realized how easily I had misread his comment and I thought that it was no wonder so many people get into fights on a night out. A misunderstanding is just a comment away.

At 2.15 the music was still playing- it was the final night out of the academic year and for the finalists like me this was our last night out in Reading. The DJ was playing all the cheesy classics that occupy the slot after 1am like Time of my life and Living on a prayer. The dance floor was absolutely packed. Right next to me, a guy was hoisted on his friends shoulders and he was waving his arms hysterically. I was a bit drunk, but I was 'on the ball' so to speak.
Then there wasa bit of a commotion and for a while I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then I realized that there had been a mass invasion of the stage next to where the DJ was. Almost every guy up there was shirtless. The security guys tried to kick them off, but the numbers just kept growing and people were being lifted from the dance floor onto the stage while the security guys tried in vain to stem the tide. The DJ- who had promised to keep going all the way to 3.am- stopped playing music, but that didn't help the situation. The stage invasion grew and the crowd on the dance floor was yelling and chanting. I realized this was not a good place to be right now- if the shit hit the fan, everyone in the club was in serious danger. A drunken stampede loomed on the horizon and yet I couldn't bring myself to leave.
For some reason, the whole situation made me think of the Barbarian invasion of the Roman empire.
Things were getting out of hand and the noise was deafening. The entire crowd started chanting "It's coming home..it's coming home...football's coming home" from the football song Three lions and then someone started chanting 'Rooney!' 'Rooney!' and the whole crowd picked it up. A drunken crowd yelling football chants at 2.30 am in the university nightclub is not something I could say that I had predicted. Shirts were being tossed into the air and pandemonium was the order of the day. The security guys looked completely helpless and the barriers between the dance floor and the stage were now being removed by the crowd. If you've seen footage of the night the Berlin wall came down you have an idea of the scene I was witnesing.
I remember thinking We are now officially a security risk
We got out about twenty minutes later with the situation still unresolved. We stopped at the chip van for Vid to get a burger. Quena said I didn't seem drunk although I was-my head was spinning. I got back home and had some bread and chocolate while listening to Radiohead.
Pyramid song sounds even more beautiful when you are drunk.

(in my head I paint a picture)

I realized the other day that nearly everyone who makes me laugh in the media is a woman- Caitlin Moran (The Times) Marina Hyde (The guardian) Rebecca Tyrrel, Deborah Ross (The independent)and Ariel Leve who writes in the Sunday Times. Women are now officially funnier than men and there will be no recount although as an African I am obviously no expert in correct vote counting. Leve writes an interesting colummn about single life which basically has the message that 'single life-its a jungle out there man!'. It's a jungle alright, but in a good way. Being single gives you such a clear emotional clarity that I'm in no hurry to leave. You think clearer, your blood pressure improves and life becomes wonderfully uncomplicated. Whether you actually want your life to be uncomplicated is another question of course. The African way is to defer the question for another time which I will do now.

Anyway on a somewhat unrelated topic, my favourite quote of the week comes from a Guardian article about a scientific breakthrough on- are you ready for this-cockroaches. I've always had a kind of morbid fear of cockroaches-especially the ones devious enough to actually fly- so this story had some relevance to my life. It turns out that they've developed a mini-robot that lures cockroaches into one place by smelling just like them. By getting all the buggers into one place, they can then be killed easily although we might all wish that scientists would be better off studying things which are more important. The quote in question comes from one of the sad men involved in this enterprise "We know very little about how decentralised communities of beings, like cockroaches or ants, reach collective decisions." He says. I don't know how cockroaches reach collective decisions, but I do know that they are pure evil.

From the beloved motherland Rwanda comes another of this week's intriguing lines from The New Times website. "On Saturday and Sunday evenings young women mostly call their boyfriends asking them to take them out for ‘hanging’, a polite word for wasting time"
And another one from an article about the Kampala-Kigali bus journey "Only by their looks a person could excavate a tradition of tension not within the security personnel themselves but, a character sourced to tackle and build sanity within the unbalanced nature of humans" Eh?

I was watching the queen on TV having yet another birthday party thrown for her and I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She is like a very wealthy prisoner trapped endlessly in boring conversations and stuffy formal ceremonies meeting people she doesn't like or care about and having virtually no control over her own life which is probably determined by a black diary that lists her social engagements for the next few months. The poor woman! I've often wondered what she really does in her spare time(all five minutes of it) Does she perhaps look longingly through the 'lonely hearts' ad in the newspaper and wish to run away with a tall, dark stranger? I read those ads myself not because I intend to contact anyone but because there is a lot of unintentional comedy there. When I read the little descriptions they provide, I try and inteprete the truth in my head. I've already got a mental list of what people really mean when they say something in those ads.
Curvaceous: Fat/very fat
Stunning: I've used more makeup than Marilyn Manson but I look better in the dark.
Solvent: I'm rich enough only to take you out for one expensive meal and then work overtime for the next 3 weeks trying to fund the next one and pay the rent. Basically I'm broke, but let's not get technical.
Good sense of humor: My friends think I'm weird, but I think I'm just quirky and misunderstood.
I like to laugh: Please don't tell the guys in white coats that I'm on the loose.
Looking for someone special: Looking for anyone really. I'm not fussy. Why do you think I'm using a 'lonely hearts' colummn?

A quick word for the BBC: When England plays, no one wants to see Victoria Beckham every ten seconds- certainly not the largely male crowd that watches these games. The fact that Victoria gets so much camera coverage while right next to her the gorgeous Cheryl Tweedy (Ashley Cole's fiancee and Girls aloud member) barely gets even three seconds is scandalous. I know who I would much rather see and like most red-blooded males it is not posh spice. Sort it out! I'm launching a Get-Cheryl-on-TV-during-England-games campaign and it starts here. It will certainly be more watchable than anything England have done on the pitch so far.
I was privileged to watch what is officially the worst game in this world cup- and possibly of all time- last night, the Swirtzeland-Ukraine snoozefest. The game was so awful that I was glad I watched it because down the years it will become some kind of historical artefact. Everyone will forever remember this game precisely because it had absolutely no redeeming qualities at all and if FIFA had any sense, they would throw both teams out of the tournament and call back Mexico.
Meanwhile the Portugal-Holland game two days ago descended into a kind of extended brawl with football only occasionally breaking out in the process. With 4 red cards and 16 yellows, it was a world cup record and seeing the bad atmosphere the game was played in, this was hardly a suprise. Australia-Italy was decided by a penalty so dodgy that even Italy must have been embarassed to reach the last 8 through it.
The refereeing in this world cup has been more than annoying- it has almost ruined the tournament altogether. That Italy penalty was the last straw for me- who could fall for it but a ref so stupid that he thinks falling over a player on the ground is enough for a penalty? It was madness. Meanwhile the Sweden sending off against Germany was just as scandalous- the Swedish player got a second yellow card for what was in effect a poor tug at a German players shirt with the player nowhere near goal. And meanwhile Italy themselves could count themselves very unlucky with their red card against Australia which was equally laughable. What is going on- have the refs all gone completely mad?
All this is not just casting a dark cloud over the world cup, but its virtually eliminating any kind of contact. I've seen the most ordinary tackles punished with a yellow and very soon we will get a nightmare scenario of a non-contact football game. Football is being turned into a sissy spot and I'm as mad as hell about it. Players take a lot of the blame- I've seen so much diving and cheating that I'm amazed FIFA haven't released some kind of press release. The Portugal-Holland game was the worst example, but it proved to be entertaining precisely because it degenerated into chaos and players on both sides were anxious to let their opponent know exactly what they thought of their mothers. It was like a pub brawl crossed with a Charlie Chaplin film with a bit of football on the side. I loved every second of it.

In praise of: Philip. K. Dick

I think Philip.K. Dick is not only the greatest sci-fi writer of all time, but one of the greatest writers in any genre. Few people have blown my mind the way he did-the kind of wonderfully original and complex stories that take you days or weeks to work out in your head. I was talking to Tommy. B (who is also a fan) about him the other day and that got me thinking about him again and thus writing this inevitably rambling post.
Dick didn't have the writing skills of Kurt Vonnegut or the elegance of Isaac Asimov or the vision of Arthur. C. Clarke but he managed to rise above them all. It's no suprise that holywood loves him- films like Minority Report, Blade Runner, paycheck, impostor and Total recall are all based on his work, although it must be said with varying results.
Where do you start? There is Ubik a very bold and complicated story which-like most of his work- preys on the uncertainty of what is real and what is not. You never know where a story is going when all the characters very literally fall apart and turn to ash as the story progresses. Just as good and even more complex is The three stigmata of Palmer Eldritch which on one level is a drugs tale and on the other is an incredibly original work of science fiction about a man who provides a powerful new drug that seems to alter reality and which allows him to insert himself into the user's reality. It's so mind-bending you need a recovery period to take it all in. Do android dream of electric sheep? (the inspiration for Blade Runner)asks all the moral and ethical questions about robots that we are asking now that they are not really the stuff of science fiction anymore.
And you couldn't read Dick without reading through his short story collections especially The Father Thing which is class from beginning to end while Second Variety also has some amazing stuff. With Philip Dick, words like 'genius', 'visionary', 'brilliant' don't do him justice. He is so good and so mind-blowing that it's hard to find the right superlatives. It was when I read A scanner Darkly-his best book- that I finally gave the man the full respect he deserved. This is barely even a science-fiction book- it's more of a dangers-of-drugs-story. The main character is a policeman who has gone undercover and becomes a user in order to find the source of a very dangerous drug and sort of finds that he is investigating himself because he is in effect a prime suspect but doesn't know it(you have to read it to see how that twisted situation comes about)the book is full of people destroyed and broken by the drug (based on Dick's own experiences and the people he knew) and you just know there cannot be a happy ending. It's incredible stuff- I don't even remember eating any food while I was reading this. A scanner Darkly would without doubt be in my top 10 favourite books. There's a film of the book coming out this year with Keanu Reeves and its shot in partly-animated way like the film Waking life- a very clever decision because so much of the book takes place in an almost dream-like state between reality and a much grayer area.
Most of his short stories are quite chilling, but some of them are quite cheeky and morbidly funny. One that made me smile was Fair Game in which a scientist believes he is being stalked by aliens because of his expertise as one of the greatest scientific minds in America. When he is finally abducted, it turns out they merely want to eat him. It's a dark but cheeky twist ending that completely subverts the common alien-abduction stories you get in the genre. Most of his stories just show interesting angles about humanity and what we cling to- Do android dream of electic sheep? for example shows us a world in which animals are virtually extinct and almost everyone is forced to settle for a robotic equivalent. Finding a real animal to keep as your pet becomes a kind of holy grail mission. It also wonders what would separate us from robots if we created robots who looked and felt exactly like us. Many deal with that common preoccupation of sci-fi- what a post-apocalyptic world would be like. Some defy description- one favourite of mine Upon this dull earth is like a mad and endlessly inventive fairy tale that cannot possibly be explained to anyone else who hasnt read it.
Dick had fairly severe mental problems for most of his life- the troubled genius; how many times have we seen that before?- and he died in 1982 the year I was born. Still despite- or maybe partly because of- the paranoid delusions and the crazed visions, he managed to create works of fiction that kick some serious literary ass. Phillip, I salute you.

No, my powers can only be used for good....

I found myself wondering the other day when I was in town: whatever happened to clever graffiti? There was a white building in town that was marked with spray paint but it was just aimless spraying. Surely if you are going to deface buildings you should make it worth it? Why not draw something or write something witty? But getting spray paint and then just spraying black aimlessly on a wall just doesn't strike me as a constructive way to spend time. There is a hospital near my hall and on the outside someone did their bit. In black spray-paint are the words: BOB WILL HEAL YOU. That was it. No one else has defaced the hospital, but it's always struck me as strange that the only person with the balls to do it wrote something that was probably just a joke he and his best friend could understand or maybe it was just an obscure reference.

I also found myself reflecting on the extraordinary politeness that you get in English shops. This is a typical exchange I have with the woman behind the counter everyday when I buy the newspapers at the university store on campus.
I walk up to the counter and hand over the papers.
She says Thank you.
I fish in my pockets for the money and hand it over saying thank you.
She takes it from me and says thank you.
She puts the papers in a paperbag and hands me my change saying thank you.
I take my purchases and my change and say thank you.
She says thank you, have a nice day.
I've heard these exchanges for the three years I've been in England in every single store I've been in. If only we had a similar level of politeness in Rwanda that could only be a good thing. Dealing with a shop assistant or waiter/waitress in Rwanda is a case of becoming immune to snarls, sighs, glares and long phone calls to people who cannot wait to tell Immacule what happened the previous night and your presence as a waiting customer is completely irrelevant. It is 'the customer is king' in reverse'. You get the feeling that in Kigali people who work in stores and restaurants live by the line in the Kevin Smith film Clerks "This job would be great" some guy says "if it weren't for the fucking customers"

Checkmate! Leo says as we are walking back. I suddenly realize he's tricked me again.

My favorite story of the week comes from Senegal. It turns out that the Senegalese riot police are threatening to go on a protest match over unpaid wages. So what happens if things suddenly get ugly? In other words, what happens when the riot police start rioting? I almost hope that they go on the rampage just to see what the implications would be. This raises many philosophical questions that are best left alone while sober.

I was at the supermarket this evening renting some DVD's. As they were being processed the owner of the store- a jolly and somewhat talkative Indian man- nodded in my direction and said something complimentary about me. Then he added after a few seconds "Very quiet"
I thought: will there ever be a point in my life when people stop saying this about me?

I saw the maddest game of the world cup today: The Australia-Croatia game which ended 2-2 was absolutely nuts. The ref gave a Croatian player two yellow cards and forgot to send him off. To make up for it, he gave him a THIRD yellow card in the very last minute and sent him off. This must be the first time this has ever happened in a world cup and many years later, I imagine the Croatian player will be sitting in a bar somewhere bragging about the way he is the only man in world cup history to be given three yellow cards before being sent off. Meanwhile he missed two blatant penalty appeals for Australia, allowed them to score a highly dubious goal and sent off two other players-one from each team- not to mention blowing the final whistle just as Australia were putting the ball in the net. It was refereeing so incompetent that it was like something from 'deleted scenes' of a DVD. Thankfully Australia held on to go through to the second round- I really wanted them to win and they were the better team. Ghana meanwhile also made it to the last 16 with the help of a very, very dodgy penalty. Not only that, all their players seemed to be pretending to be injured to waste time. This pissed me off to no end. Ghana are turning out to be a dirty team. Their diving and feigning injury aside, I am asbolutely delighted they've made it. Now there is only the small matter of beating Brazil...

When did you last think of your nose? and what does phallanx mean?

I've come down with a cold. It crept up on me very slowly over the past few days. I've been laughing at people who think having a cold is actually a disease and who think you need to take medicine to deal with it. I assure them that where I grew up, having a cold is something that is barely worth mentioning. Infact two beers-or some very strong coffee- often clears it up. Alternatively you could ignore it and this works as well. However when you find yourself sniffing all day clutching some toilet paper to blow your nose, you realize that a cold is more than a minor inconvenience. It is actually quite annoying. You never really pay much attention to your nose until breathing through it becomes a chore. Leo for example has had a cold literally from the first day I got to know him which was many months ago. I've always made fun of him and had little sympathy, but now I know. I'm not sure Leo really deserves some sympathy seeing the way he's bullied me over the course of the term. This is the thing with meal-time conversations- any sentence can and will be used against you. I recall telling Leo about a strange party I went to.
Leo: So if you didn't really like it, why were you there?
Me: Well life is an experience isnt it? Even if I didn't really like it, I just had to experience it to see what it was like.
Leo: Oh...'life is an experience' eh? What are you now, some kind of buddhist fount of wisdom? 'Life is an experience'...you didn't just say that did you? When did you develop this profound insight?
Me: Well it is a cliche, but it's true!
Leo: 'Life is an experience!' (chuckles)honestly Minega...
There have been a few other incidents, but those are all for another time.

Back to national anthems: I came across a wonderful one the other day. By 'wonderful' I mean 'absolutely incomprehensible'. Seriously, what is this about? It is the Andorra national anthem.

The great Charlemagne, my Father, liberated me from the Saracens,
And from heaven he gave me life of Meritxell, the great Mother.
She was born a Princess, a Maiden neutral between two nations.
I am the only remaining daughter of the Carolingian empire
Believing and free for eleven centuries, believing and free I will be.
The laws of the land be my tutors, and my defender Princes!
And Princes my defender!
Erm..right. I would love to see Andorra qualify for the world cup just to see their players sing this anthem at the beginning of the game. Odds are that they would go blue in the face trying to sing this with a straight face.
Is it wrong for me to make fun of other countries national anthems? Of course it is, but I'm going to carry on anyway. I've got another one- France. Much of it sounds like something from a horror film and how they teach kids an anthem with these words is honestly beyond me. Here is a snippet:

Do you hear in the fields
The howling of these fearsome soldiers?
They are coming into your midst
To slit the throats of your sons and consorts

What! These foreign cohorts!
They would make laws in our homes!
What! These mercenary phalanxes
Would cut down our proud warriors!
Good Lord! By chained hands
Our brow would yield under the yoke
Yikes- its enough to give even full-grown adults nightmares at night. Surely they can tone this down a bit? Some 'peace and love' sentiments wouldn't go amiss. I love the outraged tones in this anthem. I can see them with their hands on their hips, wide-eyed and screaming with fury 'what! these mercenary...'. How confident do you have to be as a country to put a word like 'phalanxes' in your anthem?

Hearwarming world cup story: Some soccer fans who cycled- I repeat cycled- all the way from Uzbekistan just to get an autograph from Oliver Kahn. From what I've read about Uzbekistan, you don't really need any excuses to leave but I still thought this was sweet anyway.
The are-you-sure-you-should-do-that world cup story: I think it was Bangladesh where there were power cuts during some world cup games a few days ago. So what did the fans do? They attacked the power station. Now if you want electricity, do you think it's a good idea to smash up the place that actually provides it?
-Meanwhile how cool is Brazil? I don't mean the squad itself which is still playing in first gear (and does Ronaldo sprint a bit faster when he walks into a mcDonalds? just wondering.) I went down to London on Sunday with my brother to watch the Brazil-Australia game at a Brazilian bar. We couldnt get in for the game-it was too crowded-but we got in right after the game and I was in awe looking around. Everyone was having one hell of a party- there was dancing and drumming and just a general sense of genuine happiness that is impossible to describe. The women were gorgeous, the music was fantastic and the atmosphere was electric. Almost everyone there had a real laid-back cool- the kind of cool you can't force. The kind of cool that comes with being Brazilian.


England 2 Sweden 2
I hate the way England make everything so difficult. I watched the game at the students union bar and the atmosphere was great- flags everywhere, lots of chanting ('I'M ENGLAND TILL I DIE...ENGLAND TILL I DIE!' being a constant one)and people cheering every shot, tackle and corner. There was a guy who walked by draped in a giant English flag. Scrawled on it were the words: BRITISH BY BIRTH...ENGLISH BY THE GRACE OF GOD. I liked that.
Oh right, the game. The only memorable part of this game was Joe Cole's astonishing goal that put England ahead. Cole has probably been the only England player who's played well in all 3 games and although he wasn't at his dynamic best today, a goal like that will get you many free beers later in life. The goal was absolutely sublime. The bad news was seeing Michael Owen getting stretchered off in the first minute. I was so pissed off with Eriksson at that moment for not picking a fifth striker- how can you hope to win the world cup with two unfit strikers, one who has scored only 8 premiership goals all season and a 17 year old untested kid? To call this folly would be an understatement. How I wish Jermaine Defoe- or Darren Bent or even Dean Ashton- were on the bench. The only way England is going to win the world cup is if Stevie.G decides to do his one-man-playing-all-positions role. Gareth Southgate once said he had seen Gerrard actually head his own crosses when Liverpool played Boro- I'm not even sure he was joking.
Anyway back to the game- England looked great in the first half and even Owen Hargreaves was impressive. Rooney was playing like a man possessed- I swear I saw him chase a ball out of the stadium. Then come the second half and Sweden battered them. Why can't the same English team show up for both halves? It was no suprise when Sweden equalized. Then Stevie.G came on and did his superman impression- cleared a ball off the line, put a few Swedish players in his pocket and then headed England infront.
That really should have been it, but there was room for a bit more comedy at the end. The second Swedish goal took place in an environment of comical incompetence. To describe it would not give you a clear picture of how funny it was to see defenders treating a football as if it were a 3 meter king cobra. It was also the scrappiest, ugliest goal of the entire world cup.
Are England going to win the world cup? I don't think so. Of course the best teams don't always win the trophies- witness Greece somehow winning Euro 2004 despite often being quite awful. Also does anyone remember Germany reaching the 2002 world cup final despite being one of the worst teams in the entire tournament? Still, I fear for England. If they meet Argentina, the match might have to be played after 9 o'clock so that children dont watch the humiliation that would follow.

Everything can be filed under 'miscalleneous'

True story: A few years ago a unique panic swept through Khartoum the capital of Sudan and a place you would assume would have more pressing problems than what I am about to describe. You see in 2003, there was a story going around that there was an evil man who was going around shaking men's hands and thereby causing their penises to virtually vanish. It makes a lot of other African gossip a bit tame! Then this story mutated a bit when it emerged that a stranger had handed someone a comb and told him to comb his hair and when this fellow did so, he too lost his penis. Then a Sudanese journalist jumped in to explain what was going on. He claimed it was a zionist agent who had handed the unfortunate 'victim' the comb which the journalist claimed was some kind of robotic super comb developed by the Imperialist zionists to prevent his people from procreating. Thus the phrase 'penis melting zionist combs' was born to illustrate a particularily outrageous conspiracy theory. Unfortunately this wonderful phrase is not used often enough which is a pity because I think it has a big role to play in our daily lives. How much brighter would your life be if you could slip that expression into a conversation at least once a day?
Why am I telling this story? Surely its obvious- I'm going to find a very round-about way to link it to something else. I'm not sure what, but I will. I just write these posts on a second-by-second basis so I have no idea what I'm going to write next.
Did you know by the way that headlice are- to quote an expert on the matter-'becoming indestructible?' More on that another time but it does give me visions of mutant headlice using stone tools and slowly working their way up. Let's go back to the zionist robot combs for now- that story shows how desperate people can get to form a conspiracy theory. Granted it makes life more interesting, but if you don't plan to live in reality then why not hunt for a good cave somewhere and leave no forwarding address? I read recently that the rapper Jay-Z is withdrawing Cristal from his bars because he said the owner had made racist comments. Having read the comments myself I can confirm that Jay-Z is full of shit. The guy merely expressed his unease with his brand being linked to rap music especially ganster rap. Is this really outrageous? The devil himself doesn't want to have anything to do with some of these people. That's not racist, it's common sense. Does Jay-Z now feel he is tackling some pressing social issues? Yes, we've all stayed up at night wondering what champagne should really be stocked for rich, pampered stars. I like Jay-Z, but he's annoyed the hell out of me. I don't like this trend of people yelling racism' at the slightest opportunity as Jay-Z seems to be doing. The guy is not racist- he's blessed with an overabundance of common sense. Rap music's best days are long behind it and about 90 percent of the stuff that's out there is beyond parody. I salute anyone who tries to distance himself from the likes of 50 cent who is a man I would be reluctant to piss on if he was on fire. I might sound like a cranky old man when I say this, but I don't care. I started ranting many sentences ago and it's too late to stop now. Anyway one assumes that Jay-Z might inevitably start talking in 'zionist combs' terms.

Togo- For fuck sake, do you actually need money to play in the world cup? Playing for your country infront of a billion people-not to mention countless talent scouts- just doesn't give you enough of a rush does it? Unfortunately chaotic preparations are all too common to African squads. Did I say chaotic? Scratch that, it's worse than that. The correct word would probably be 'shambolic' although you would have trouble rhyming it with another word. I cant believe they had the nerve to say they would boycott the game- FIFA actually had to threaten them. What kind of idiots have to be forced to play in a world cup? Surely the world has now gone officially mad? These people have no shame. Mind you their federation didn't come out smelling like roses either- surely it is not rocket science to sort out that stuff BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT? A six-year old kid would probably have ensured that Togo would have been better prepared. Good riddance to them although I grudgingly admit they played OK today. Seriously only Africa could pull this off- completely fucking up things takes a talent we somehow seem to have mastered down the years. The fact that we actually do this during a world cup which is one giant party is just like being a party-pooper. Togo are the party-poopers of world cup 2006 and anyone who turns the world cup into one long sulk to get 200,000 dollars just for competing...well, I don't have too much respect for you. I repeat- good riddance Togo.

Actual headline I saw today: 'man beats off moose with slipper.' It's another fine victory for the human race. Let's see who wants to mess with us next...

The 'Is-that-actually-true' world cup story of the day: Dutch fans being forced to remove their trousers and watch the game in their underwear and boxershorts because their trousers had the name of another beer on them and not the official beer sponsor which is budweiser if I recall correctly. Like many football fans, I've been very uneasy with the relationship between the corporate sponsors and the world cup. Who knows where we will see their greasy, devious fingers next?

Random quote of the day that just popped into my head "Flash I love you, but we have only fourteen hours to save the earth!" (the so-bad-its-brilliant film Flash Gordon)

Ruminations: a crystal ball won't do you much good....

My results came out today. On my way to the law school to pick them up, I couldn't believe how calm I was feeling. Somewhere deep inside there was the voice of unreason screaming at me to sort things out and start panicking like any other normal person, but I didn't. I felt the way I had felt when I finished my exams- just numb.
And then I stood infront of the board and forced my eyes to settle on my results.
It said:
ISIBO MINEGA 2i
I was so relieved that I think my jaw was hanging open. I had got exactly what I wanted- an upper second class. After a year of toil and stress, I'd achieved what I set out to do. It felt absolutely fantastic and I was almost giddy with excitement. As I type this, it's been only an hour since I got my results and I still can't quite express what it feels like. I had one A, 3 B's and 2 C's and not suprisingly my worst result was history of English law- a module which was a nightmare from start to finish. A C in that course was virtually a godsend. The big suprise was E.U law because the exam had been very tricky but I somehow did well in it.
I run into Tim and Claudie outside- they had both got 2i as well.
"This is the best feeling in the world" Claudie said.
"I don't know" Tim replied "Personally I prefer sex"
"This is better than sex" Claudie said confidently.
I think I agree with her.

Ghana 2 Czech Republic 0
Holy Christ, this was one hell of a game. The Ghanaians were on fire, but their failure to really kill off the Czechs until that late goal was annoying. How could this be the same Czech team I had praised to high heaven? And how can this be the same Ghanaian team that had looked toothless against Italy? This is why predicting world cup results is a hazardous business. Anything can happen over a frantic ninety minute period and things like experience, talent and history can go right out of the window. I was really impressed that Ghana finally managed to sort out that defence that had looked comical against Italy and in Sully Muntari, Stephen Appiah, Michael Essien and Asamoah Gyan, have players who looked world-class. This really should have been at least 4-0 and if it comes down to goal difference, Ghana will be kicking themselves. Still, what a result. I couldn't help remembering the time I watched Rwanda beat Ghana 1-0 at Stade Amahoro to qualify for the cup of nations. The Czech republic are ranked second in the world and yet Ghana who we beat that day managed to tear them apart. Does this mean Rwanda is the best team on earth? I shall take comfort in this skewed and illogical reasoning since Rwanda's best days on a football pitch look to be far behind them. A departure from reality is all we have left now.
The Italy-US game was also a cracking one and The Sunday times called it 'one of the most surreal games in history'. Italy had del Rossi quite rightly sent off and then the Americans had two red cards (although the second which went to Eddie Pope looked very harsh mainly because his first yellow card was completely unjustified) and they fought so bravely that they fully deserved their draw. The Pope sending off illustrates what has really pissed me off about the tournament- very picky refs. The slightest tackle results in a free-kick and there have been too many outrageous yellow cards. Most of the penalty decisions-like the Spain and Portugal ones- have looked very dodgy indeed. The dodgiest was the one Croatia somehow got against Japan- what on earth was that about? Justice was done when the Croatian missed.Football is a physical sport- that's its nature. If you are going to blow the whistle everytime there is a challenge it just spoils the spectacle completely. Seriously the refs are really- to quote a peculiar English expression I've picked up here- getting on my tits. It's been a fantastic world cup, but the refs are ruining it a bit for me.
-Am I the only one chuckling at France's latest failure? Chuckling isn't even the world- I'm gloating. I think the expression-stolen from the German language- is schandefreude, taking pleasure in someone else's misfortune.
-Weren't Brazil seriously lucky to beat Australia yesterday? For the second match in a row, they looked very ordinary indeed. Ronaldo played better than he did against Croatia but that's not really saying much. Australia were good enough to get a draw but they may have been slightly intimidated.
-Misses of the tournament: I have two in particular- Peter Crouch's acrobatic failure against Trinidad is possibly the worst although this may be because he was over-ambitious trying to volley the ball first time. Zlatan Ibrahimovic comes a close second with his effort against Paraguay- one on one with the goalie, he gently rolled the ball to him. It was comical. Ibrahimovic has looked atrocious for Sweden.
Save of the tournament: A few contenders- The Shaka Hislop one against Sweden would take the bronze so far while the Joao Ricardo one for Angola against Mexico would come second. The best I've seen so far is Kasey Keller's one-hand wondersave from Alessandro Del Piero in the Italy-US game. A special mention should go to Japanese goalie Kawaguchi who made a fantastic save from a Croatian penalty.
-The horrifying news in the media is that Sven is going to pick Owen Hargreaves as England's holding midfielder for the game against Sweden. Why oh why won't he pick Michael Carrick instead? Hargreaves is a decent player at best and all he has over Carrick is experience. Carrick has been amazing for Tottenham all season. It should be no contest, but somehow Sven thinks Hargreaves is going to do the role better. I'm prepared to eat my words if he proves to be outstanding, but I'm not holding my breath.

Long and almost pointless: "It's been emotional"

In my previous post, I mentioned that I've been interested in national anthems recently, so before I tackle the day's world cup I would like to share a few gems I've picked up.
SIDE NOTE: Please stop sending me 'Tommy Hilfiger is a racist' emails- its complete bollocks. The story is just an urban myth- Oprah herself has denied that he's ever even been on her show and there is no evidence to show that he is a racist at all. I don't know where this came from, but please pass the word around. I'm feeling a bit sorry for Tommy.
Anyway back to the national anthems. I was quite intrigued by this passage from the Armenian anthem which was quite creatively and cleverly called-wait for it- Our fatherland. Here is the bit I enjoyed:

Here brother, for you a flag,
That I made with my hands
Nights I didn't sleep,
With tears I washed it.

Yikes, that's a bit much isn't it? If you are staying up all night crying over a flag you are making with your own hands, shoudn't that be an issue for the men in white coats? And what about this bit from Burkina Faso:
“Against the humiliating bondage of a thousand years Rapacity came from afar to subjugate them for a hundred years.
Against the cynical malice in the shape of neo-colonialism and its petty local servants.
Many gave in and certain others resisted.
But the frustrations, the successes, the sweat, the blood have fortified our courageous people and fertilised its heroic struggle!”.
Bet you'll never hear that in pop idol. The Cayman islands also had a few things to say in their national anthem although unfortunately only they will ever truly know what this is about:
Away from noise of cities,
Their fret and carking care,
With moonbeams' soft caresses,
Unchecked by garish glare,
Thy fruit with rarest juices,
Abundant, rich and free,
When sweet church bells are chiming,
My fond heart yearns for thee.
Meanwhile Bolivia's anthem talks about having sworn "thousands and thousands of times to die rather than see the country's majestic flag humiliated" strong stuff I'm sure you agree. Senegal's anthem starts with the disco-compatible line "everyone strum your koras, strike the balafons" before finding space for a line that says "fibres of my green heart" eh? The Brazilian anthem on the other hand just goes for full-out poetry and any men reading this may want to remember some of these words as possible chat-up lines.
Brazil, a vivid dream, a lively ray
Of love and hope settles on the earth,
As in your beautiful sky, smiling and limpid,
The image of the Southern Cross shines resplendent.
A giant by your own nature,
You are beautiful, strong, an intrepid colossus,
And your future mirrors this grandeur.
Also- did you know that the national anthem of Bhutan is called The thunder dragon kingdom? I don't think any anthem has a better title. I have the sneaky feeling they copied it off a comic book.

More on anthems in my next post, but tonight I really want to pay tribute to Argentina who demolished Serbia and Montenegro 6-0. The BBC radio five live commentator said 'It was a privilege to watch them today" and I completely agree. Without exaggeration this is probably the most incredible display of attacking and masterful football I have ever seen. If you missed this game you should be kicking yourself because the Argentines were so good that they were frightening. Their second goal is-again without exaggeration- one of the greatest world cup goals of all time. They passed the ball TWENTY FOUR times leading up to the goal-including a cheeky Crespo backheel-before Cambiasso hammered the ball into the net. It was a sublime team goal and it is a goal that is now officially the best world cup goal of this tournament because I really can't see anyone getting a better one. This was orgasmic football and I intend to watch the highlights tonight just to see all those goals again. Honestly this was enough to make a man emotional.
England had better finish top of their group because otherwise they will face Argentina in the quater-finals and I shudder to think of the slaughter that could ensue. Brazil has a weak point- their defence especially their ageing full backs Cafu and Roberto Carlos- but Argentina have none- NONE. They are literally a perfect team. So good that they brought on Tevez and Messi when Argentina was already leading and not suprisingly each of them nabbed a goal. I have seen the light and I have seen the glory- it is Argentina.
Argentina overshadowed the exit of a very gallant Ivory Coast side that really deserved to make it to the last 16 but were unfortunately given the group of death. They should have had a draw against Holland and their midfield was the real stand-out of their performances. Mexico and Angola kick off in thirty minutes, but I can't see Mexico losing this one.

Random:
-It turns out 'Pimpong' was not the best name of the tournament after all. Ivory Coast has won this category having brought on a substitute called Yapi Yapo. Delightful.
-I've been getting slightly more than fifty hits daily on this blog in the last seven days. Does that actually represent fifty different people? That's almost scary.
-Referees must be having a bet to see who can dish out the most senseless yellow cards. Also the linesmen have had a bad time- Crespo scored a perfectly valid goal that was wrongly considered offside and then he was booked. That's nuts. He's not the only one who has suffered from wrong offside calls- I really think if it looks tight, the benefit of the doubt should go to the attacker.

I will almost certainly wander off topic: another world cup day

A true story: Willie Johnston- who used to play for Scotland back in the day- once sold his shed while taking a corner. He was lining up the ball when this guy in the crowd shouts out 'Hey Willie I hear your'e selling your shed!". Johnston said he was indeed selling it. The guy shouted back that he wanted to buy it and they haggled over the price. By the time he took his corner, he had sold his shed.
Which brings me somehow to the England game today against Trinidad and Tobago. It was a poor performance, make no mistake. Did you know that Owen was playing in the game ? yes, he was- I swear it. You didn't see him? neither did I, but I'm absolutely sure he was there because I saw his name on the teamsheet at the start of the game. Whether he sneaked off the pitch to maybe get a few games in on his Xbox, I don't know but little Mickey didn't actually seem to be present at all. I noticed him only once in the game, and that was when he missed the easiest chance of the match blazing a rebound over. Thankfully England finally grabbed two goals in the last 6 minutes first with a Crouch header (and for a man of his size he really should be scoring more headers) and then a Stevie.G. special.
It was a very nervous win. Despite his goal, I don't think Crouch is international quality. He is better than people give him credit for- he certainly holds the ball up well and his passing is often very good- but he really should not be in the starting XI. Eriksson not bringing Defoe was an incredibly stupid decision. He still hasn't thrown on Walcott, so why on earth is he in the team? Meanwhile I watched the game in a student restaurant on campus and I was suprised to discover that at least half the spectators were girls. The difference between the female and male spectators was clear- the women watched silently and quietly, cheering on in a civilized way while the men made stupid jokes and shouted 'wanker!' everytime an English player misplaced a pass. It's scary to think that it is men who control the world's nuclear weaponry.
The shit-that-must-hurt-like-hell-I'm-glad-its-you-not-me award goes to Dwight Yorke who took a thunderous strike straight into his manhood. I can't imagine the pain-or indeed the shame of having to constantly check on it every two seconds infront of about a billion viewers. The shot was from Stevie.G mind you. The last thing you want to do is take a Stevie.G. strike straight in the balls. It will ruin your day, make no mistake.
Relief of the day: Seeing Wayne Rooney come on. Yes I know he is not match-fit, but the man is a footballing genius, no two ways about it. Even a half-fit Wayne Rooney will make me sleep better at night.
Man of the match: Aaron Lennon only came on about twenty minutes in the second half, but he was the best player on the pitch. This shouldn't suprise anyone who saw him torture defences for Tottenham in the Premier League, but the guy is quality. He took on and beat almost every player
Prediction: I still think Joe Cole will end the tournament as England's best player if they make any sort of impact.

On an almost unrelated note, has anyone in this country noticed that God save the queen is an awful name for an anthem? Its a NATIONAL anthem and you spend most of it asking God to make sure the queen is alright- what the fuck? Release a song then and sell it but a national anthem? Keep in mind that the queen hardly needs praying for. Who sat down and thought- lets write a national anthem and write it FOR THE RICHEST AND MOST PRIVILEGED PERSON IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. It's nuts. And save her from what anyway? I've been taking an interest in other countries national anthems recently and I was very intrigued by the Paraguay one which lasted about ten minutes the day they played England. I will post my reflections on other anthems some other time.
-Germany vs Poland: The biggest struggle I faced watching this game was trying not to make any jokes about the history between these two teams. It's a struggle I lost eventually, but I tried. When you see German players swarming all over the Poland defence in the box trying to get the goal, how can you not supress a naughty voice in your head that reminds you of 1939? Wrong I know. Infact this entire world cup has created a bit of a crisis in England. The question they are asking themselves is-how do we keep from making world war two jokes and references? If we do, we look thoughtless and insensitive. If we don't, we will just pass over too many easy jokes and we may regret this on our deathbed.
There is a fantastic scene in the TV seriesFamily Guy when a tour guide is taking Brian Griffin the talking dog through Munich and he leaves out a few things. Brian challenges him on a German pamphlet that leaves out the years 1939-1945
"Everyone was on holiday" the guide says.
Stewie says "But you invaded Poland in 1939"
The guide's response is one of the highlights of the entire show "We didn't invade- we vas invited! Punch vas served! Check with Poland!" classic.
-Serbia and Montenegro are giving the headline writers a field day. Before their game against the Nerthelands, I saw a headline that said DUTCH READY FOR S&M. Surely we can go through the entire tournament without getting a mental image of Ruud Van Nistelrooy's sex habits? And someone said Arjen Robben runs like a girl and I think I agree with it. He is quick-make no mistake- but he does run like a girl.
A propos the Spain-Ukraine game, I forgot to mention the wonder of the fourth goal. Someone once said that football is 'poetry in motion' and if you saw that goal, you would nod vigorously. Wordsworth would have been inspired by the wonderous movement and passing that led to Torres burying the ball in the net. It's the best team goal of the tournament so far- if I was Spanish, I would have wept at the glories my motherland was serving up for me. However the Spanish do not always have the best aesthetic tastes. This is a country that thinks bullfighting is cool by the way- its not! How old are you guys, twelve? Leave the dammn bull alone and get a proper hobby.

"Please-free the mad bears"

There's a story I like to tell to illustrate how two people can be on a completely different frequency without knowing it. Last year when I was in Arusha for the holidays, I decided to go to Kampala for a few days before I went to Kigali. I sent an sms to my then girlfriend which went something like this "Hey you! I'll be in Kampala in the next few days so you had better clear everything and make space only for me. No excuses!'" or words to that effect. I was obviously just being silly, but she took it completely seriously and by the time I got to Kampala I was hearing stories that I had 'changed' and that I was sending my girlfriend rude messages. One silly sms had somehow turned me into the boyfriend from hell. This is what happens when two people can't communicate.
I bring this up to illustrate the BBC coverage of the world cup. John Motson(or Jonathan Pearce) and Mark Lawrenson commentate on most of the BBC games and they make an odd couple because they just don't really gel. Lawrenson is always trying to be silly and makes plenty of outrageous puns while Motson ignores them and has obviously found true love in statistics- the man can tell you what colour a player's socks were in a game six years ago and what percentage of times he has had weetabix before he scored a goal. Most of the time you get the feeling that Motson is just tolerating Lawrenson and I'm not convinced that those two are on the same frequency. Their relationship is an intriguing one and I look forward to seeing how it will evolve in the tournament. It's the same thing between Pearce and Lawrenson.
Anyway world cup reflections from days 4 and 5:
-Ronaldo has the turning speed of an oil tanker. How much does this guy weigh-120 kilos? My theory is that he is filming his own secret version of 'supersize me' which will only be released after the world cup. He may be one of the greatest goalscorers of our generation, but when you are that fat you really shouldn't be on the pitch. While we are on the subject, how ordinary did Brazil look last night? After the first 30 or so minutes, they could have been any other team in the competition and Croatia were actually unlucky not to get a draw. Unfortunately I didn't see any shots of hot Brazilian women. What's wrong with the BBC? Sort your shit out people...
Bore of the tournament: France vs Swirtzeland must have had people nodding off from Mongolia to Argentina- how I stayed awake throughout is a mystery. Easily the worst game of the tournament so far. Zidane still looked sharp, but the rest of the team was listless although the Swiss were not much better. Frei really should have scored for them at the end but missed with his head, used his hand instead and still failed to put the ball in the net. He was booked for his trouble. I have yet to see an act of such idiocy in the tournament. If he had let the ball go, Djorou would have scored. Maybe all those years of staying neutral in wars has dulled the Swiss appetite for a fight because any other team would have picked off such a poor French squad.
Is it just me or are refs a bit too picky? They've been a few too many unnecessary yellow cards especially in the Togo-South Korea game. Togo became the fourth African team to lose, but as I write this Tunisia have just snatched a draw with Saudi Arabia to get the first point for our beloved continent. This is by far the weirdest group- aside from Spain finishing first (and I missed their 4-0 thrashing of Ukraine-OH THE PAIN OF MISSING THAT GAME!)anyone else can take second spot. Incidentally Saudi Arabia has SEVEN Mohammeds in their squad- the training sessions must be a nightmare....
Daftest goal celebration: The Togo efort after their great goal- what was that about? I think FIFA should force them to hold a press conference to tell us what on earth that celebration was about.

Meanwhile in unrelated news, I'm getting my results on Monday and I'm a bit nervous about it. I can't believe I'm five weeks into this holiday. I was telling my sister the other day that I actually haven't had a moment of boredom since I finished my exams even though in theory I haven't really had anything to do. Infact, I still sleep at 4 am trying to cram things in. I've kept myself busy.

World cup: Czech mate and more nonsense

The stand-out team for me so far was the Czech Republic who demolished the US 3-0 even though the Americans didn't play badly at all. Thomas Rosicky-fucking hell, he was awesome. It's the best performance I've seen from a player so far and his second goal was the best goal I've seen in the World cup. The way he combines with Pavel Nedved should keep many other teams awake at night. The Czechs are going to go a long way.
Italy beat Ghana 2-0 and unfortunately it was a largely comfortable win. Italy looked so solid throughout, and Ghana were just too poor defensively to cope. They did manage to retain possesion for long periods of time which is something African nations seem to have discovered recently, and they did a lot of running but they need to sort out that defence. I thought Italy wouldn't survive this group, but it looks like I'm going to have to eat humble pie. They were pretty impressive. Once they had got the first goal I knew it was over. Italy are the masters of the 1-0 win, but I was pleased to see that this Italian side continued attacking even after getting that goal. At this rate, we might need to put our faith in Togo and Tunisia who are both in much better groups. Angola also impressed me last night- they were not spectacular, but seemed generally competent.
I thoroughly enjoyed the Australia-Japan game especially the second half. Australia looked like they were going to lose which would have been harsh on them and then they banged in 3 goals in the last 7 minutes. I was delighted for them and I hope they do well. Everton are our deadly rivals, but I was happy for Tim Cahill scoring two goals anyway. I was impressed that the Australians had such an attacking formation which included 3 big strikers-Viduka, Aloisi and Kennedy not to mention attacking midfielders like Cahill.
Patronising-and unintentionally amusing- comment of the Tournament so far went to Gareth Southgate during the Trinidad- Sweden game. He said the referee shouldn't book the Trinidad players for timewasting because that was the speed they moved at when they were off the pitch. Hmm...
-Question of the day- where are all the fancy celebrations? No player has yet done anything out of the ordinary when they score a goal although I admit it's hard to be creative when ten men are pinning you down to the ground celebrating your goal. I liked Tim Cahill going up to the corner flag and pretending to punch it, but I've seen him do it before for Everton. I have a feeling we will see some cool celebrations when Brazil kick off tomorrow.
-Question of the day 2: Is this the first time the Ghanaian goalie has ever faced corners? Everytime Italy got a corner he ran out like a man possesed and firmly punched thin air. Tie the bastard to the posts if you have to. If you are going to come out to get the ball, at least have a vague idea of where it is.
-Suprise of the day: Harry Kewell lasting the full ninety minutes of the Australian game. That I did not see coming.
-Prediction of the week: I am 100 percent sure that when Brazil play Croatia, the camera will keep panning into the crowd to settle on a hot Brazilian woman jumping up and down happily. This will happen at least 15 times. I can assure the BBC that such liberties with the camera will not be a waste of time.
-Best name of the Tournament: Ghana brought on a substitute called Pimpong. I couldn't help giggling.
-Name which really doesn't seem to fit with a footballer- Iaquinta of Italy. It sounds like it might be the Italian for strawberries or something like that. To be fair, Totti doesn't sound too scary either.

Niinsima- Your knowledge and enthusiasm of footie is a pleasant suprise! I still live in the stereotypical bubble that girls generally hate football. Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated.
Raymond- if you think you can stop blogging for 2 weeks and then start again without so much as an apology you have another thing coming. Are you going to watch any of the football hombre?

Summer ball 2006: the trouble with real life is that there is no danger music

This is the second part of my two-part Sunday post-the first part was my world cup reflections. Yes, I have plenty of time on my hands. Might as well blog.
Anyway we had the summer ball yesterday and not suprisingly it was completely nuts. I wasn't too happy about having to wear a tie in the heat-even at 7 it was fairly hot. The free punch run out very quickly but if you know the right people then alcohol is never a problem- Australian Rich had some fantastic scotch and this is what I found myself working on when the party finally came to life around 8.

I'm sitting in the grass with Bromwen after Quena leaves. She knows I'm from Rwanda and I'm a bit suprised at this. "I've talked to you before" She says. I can't for the life of me remember where or when. I can't help thinking that her name really must be from a Tolkien novel.
Adam shows up and sits with us. Over the next ten minutes he manages to remove any doubt in my mind about his mental state. I have the clear realization that he must have real mental problems because of the things he says to Bromwen none of which I could reproduce here. He is laughing as he says them, but it still comes across as quite rude and offensive. Bromwen doesn't seem to be taking it too badly. The knives are out but only one of them is being civil. Adam is trying hard to annoy her. he also makes a few slavery jokes to me later on in the tent which make me laugh out loud ("What do you know? Your people were slaves- the only thing you would know about are banjos and lemons")

There's one of those bouncy things for kids next to the giant tent. Like a bouncy castle, but it's divided in two and it doesn't have a 'roof'. At first I can't figure out what it's for- people just seem to be running inside it. I find myself wishing there was the ordinary bouncy castle but this is obviously the alcohol talking loud and clear. Here I am- 23 years old, just about to graduate and I'm standing drunk under a star-less sky wishing I was on a bouncy castle like a little kid. I have absolutely no problem with this.
The bouncy thingy is very popular but eventually I realize there is no one on it. I tell Rama and it turns out we are on the same wavelength because he's up for it. We jump into it and it's hard to keep your balance because it's so soft and bouncy and fairly narrow as well. Some guy takes my glasses and I tie the harness around my waist. My brother is doing the same on the other side- I have to stretch my neck to see him.
"Are you ready?" I ask him.
"Hang on!" He's still doing his harness. Then he's done and wer'e off. We run along it until we are nearly at the end and then the harness jerks us back. We go flying backwards like cartoon characters. It is unbelievably fun. We both do it again and again. Run a few steps and then the harness jerks you right back and you land on your ass. No wonder people didn't want to get off the dammn thing in the first place.

I wander away and later find my brother talking to Nathan who is listening very attentively. He's talking about evolution and whether social evolution is going to have a big effect on biological evolution. It doesn't require a rocket scientist to figure out that my brother is now in 'the zone'. Once he gets going, he really gets going especially with alcohol in the picture. He later moves to architecture and the move towards modernism in building design. Adam wanders over again and says a few more offensive things. Then he starts singing Bob Dylan's classic hit 'Blowin in the wind' turning it into a sort of sex narrative.
"You've crossed the line Adam" I tell him "That's Bob Dylan! Don't you have any shame?"
"I'm going to sing it for my people" He says and starts to walk off. I ask him who these people are but he keeps walking.
I repeat this, shouting after him "And who are your people Adam?"
He says something I can't hear and disappears. I wonder what is going to become of him. My brother is now talking about Courbosier the French architect and strict minimalism in architecture. Quena and the rest have vanished now. Most people walking by seem to be keeping to their feet only by the power of a collective and almost impossible miracle.

Rich is virtually passed out on his bed.
"It's only twelve" I'm telling him but he's just mumbling a one-syllable word I can't hear. I get him some water, but he can barely open his eyes let alone sit up and drink it.
Then he says "Are you drunk?"
"I'm getting there" I tell him. This isn't entirely true-infact it's entirely false. I'm already there. I've been in that state for a while.
Rich goes back to mumbling.

Adam keeps coming back to our small group sitting on the bench outside. He is trying his best to shock everyone around and he is succeeding. Let's just say nothing he said the entire night is actually printable unless I want this blog to have an R-18 rating. Even Nathan is getting quite uncomfortable. There is a girl still hovering around first asking Nathan if 'there is going to be a party in your room' and then asking Adam the same thing. She is making everyone quite uncomfortable and in a bad way.
At 2am the music is finally switched off and everyone who is still conscious gathers for a big group photo that is being called 'the survivor's photo'. Then we stay outside on the benches for a while with everyone trying to ignore Adam whose rantings are growing increasingly disturbing. My brother disappears, but I find myself somehow in a new court kitchen with Adam, Nathan and the girl who is still sounding pretty desperate. Nathan puts a white substance on a CD, cuts it with a card and says it's coke while pretending to sniff it. I know he's lying, but the girl doesn't and she nearly sniffs it before Nathan snatches it away laughing. I have a feeling it's just sugar. I drink some wine and realize that in the last 4 hours I've had punch, whisky, beer and wine. It's a very unwise combination.
I say goodnight and wander back to my room. There is no one outside but a girl sitting on a guy's lap kissing him passionately. Neither of them notices me walking by. it's just past 4, but the sun is already beginning to make it's present felt.
it's going to be a new day soon.

World cup: day two

We had the summer ball yesterday which somewhat interfered with my World Cup watching. I'm still nursing a bit of a hangover as I type this, but I intend to write a double post today if only because I can.

England 1 Paraguay 0
This was a shocking game- absolutely terrible to watch. If England hadn't been playing I would have switched off the TV in disgust. Zombies on drugs would have put on a better sporting spectacle than what we were given. England were solid and promising in the first half but then completely went to pieces. They were saved because although Paraguay had the ball for most of the second half, they didn't know what to do with it. They had absolutely zero cutting edge upfront. England meanwhile had only Joe Cole as the only player who played well in both halves. Stevie.G was great in the first half- some of his passes were so unbelievable it looked like CGI-but completely disappeared in the second half as did Beckham although lampard finally got going. Ashley Cole and Gary Neville both had a bad game. The team blamed their poor performance on the heat. What the fuck? You are footballers for Christ's sake, not ballerinas. Playing in the heat is part of the job.
And please tell us Sven because we all really want to know- why bring Walcott if you aren't going to play him? Either you think he is ready or you don't. You take off Owen and bring on Stewart Downing so that Joe Cole becomes the support striker. Seeing as you get 4 million a year, you probably know by now that Cole is a midfielder and that's where he is going to do the job well. Walcott on the other hand is a striker-why not bring the kid on? It was a bit scary to realize that Owen Hargreaves made England look better when he came on later on- that's how bad they were.

Sweden 0 Trinidad and Tobago 0
This is THE shock of the world cup-I dont think anything else is going to come close. I didnt watch the whole game as the summer ball had started by then, but the Trinidadians fought so gallantly expecially considering the fact that they had ten men for almost the entire second half. I guess England is going to sit up and take notice now. Meanwhile I had backed Larsson to be the top-scorer at this world cup, but he missed quite a few although not as many as the shocking Ibrahimovich a seriously overrated striker.
And Shaka Hislop- for a goalie who is nearly 40, he is bloody good.
GO TRINIDAD!

Argentina 2 Ivory Coast 1
I only watched the first half and bits of the second, but this was the best match of the tournament so far. I was pleasantly suprised by how good Ivory Coast were- especially their pace. They were threatening everytime they bombed forward usually on the counter-attack but they missed too many chances. Argentina also looked awesome-especially the defence and the magnificent Riquelme in midfield- and I think at the moment they could be better than Brazil. This game showcased everything football should be- attacking, adventurous and entertaining. Ivory Coast are seriously unlucky to be in the group of death- they looked so good yesterday you would have backed them to get out of any other group.

Homo sum: humani nil a me alienum puto

The world Cup is finally here. But more on that later.
I've been wondering recently: whatever happened to 100 percent? Once upon a time giving your everything meant you gave 100 percent, but today even that is not enough. Last night I was watching the news and saw Tony Blair say he supported the police 101 percent- what is that extra one percent for? With 100 percent you've already made yourself pretty clear. There is nothing more to give. In football, it's common to hear 'one hundred and ten percent'- slowly but surely 100 percent is being beaten to death by a gang of other percentages. They won't even steal it's wallet.
A more ambitious effort was Sven Goran Eriksson who raised the almost terrifying idea of THREE HUNDRED PERCENT which is how sure he was that Rooney would be fit to play in the world cup. What's going on here? Why are there so many people who believe 100 percent is no longer sufficient?

"Ten shots? That's nuts isn't it?"
"I've done it before...not ten, but eight so I figure it's the same thing"
"You are obviously going to throw up at some point" I tell him "You have considered this haven't you?"
"I'm not going to throw up" Leo replies unconvincingly
"How are we even going to tell that you've downed all the shots anyway?" Jaimie wants to know. It's that old existential question that has plagued philosophers for years-if you haven't seen him actually drink the shots, how do you know he's done it?
Leo also seems to have forgotten about that unfortunate incident with the girl a few months ago so I think it best to remind him "Did anyone ever tell you that it is a bad idea to throw up on women?"
"I missed that lesson at school" Leo replies with a straight face "I should have been there but I was sick and I've regretted it ever since"
"I can see Jaimie chatting up a girl and you just strolling over and throwing up on him. He's not going to like that"
There follows a discussion about the possibilites regarding this point and Leo is trying to extract a promise that Jaimie shouldn't do the same to him. If you can't even decide not to throw up on each other on a night out, then what is your friendship built on?

World cup had finally come around- Germany cruised to a win against Costa Rica but their defence looked very dodgy. Ecuador pulled off a shock win against Poland who everyone had expected to finish second. What both games showed more than anything else is that the match ball is completely unpredictable- when you hit that thing it could go anywhere. The fourth German goal was a shot from about 35 yards and I swear the ball changed direction about four times before it ended up in the net. Goalkeepers are going to want therapy by the time the tournament is done.

"To be honest I could do this until the cows come home. That whole philosophy thing- I hated it. This is what I really want to be doing and I'm really, really happy. I feel like I'm a real part of something. It's hard but I don't think I could have it any other way. I feel like it's all starting to make sense now..."

Untitled (4)

Prison Break- the most addictive show of the last few months- had its season finale last night and of course they left it on a cliffhanger. If there is any moral in this story, it is that trying to escape from jail is so dammn difficult and time-consuming that you may as well just stay in your cell and pick your fingernails.
But it doesn't really matter now since the world cup is starting this Friday which means a whole month of footie goodness. If you don't like football and you read this site I strongly advise you to stay away from this blog over the next four weeks. And after that I'm probably going to stop blogging altogether since I'm leaving this country mid-July and the real purpose of this blog was to chronicle my time in England.
ITV has had a wonderful series on previous world cups that ended last Friday. I learned a few things, some of which I wish I had remained ignorant about-like the fact that Garrincha who many Brazilians consider to be better than Pele lost his virginity to a goat. The shows really made you realize the power and scope that football has around the world and also made me realize that the 76 years of world cup have produced more drama and scandal than the dodgiest Latino Soap-opera.

I watched Cursed yesterday afternoon which is a very dodgy horror film. Christina Ricci is in it, and there is something about her that I cannot really put my finger on except for the fact that she is a bit odd looking. She has eyes so expressive that it is almost scary and she is both very creepy and strangely sympathetic in every film I have ever seen her in. You are torn between wanting to give her a hug and running away as fast as you can because you get the feeling that she might do something psycho just for the hell of it. It's a bad movie so maybe that's why I found myself wondering about all this. She is probably the most enigmatic person I have seen on screen but otherwise it's bugging me that I can't really figure out what it is about her that seems so inexplicable. Oh yeah, don't rent the film, It's crap.

Am I the only one who is going to boycott The Omen? This is the most unnecessary remake of all time. Why, why why? The original is the greatest horror film in my opinion-nothing will ever make me as scared shitless as I was when I watched that film. Why release a modern version that is moreover exactly identical to the old classic? Are these people on magic mushrooms? They are so not going to get my money. Remaking a wonderful film just so that you can release it on 6th of June 2006 and say-'look-666! aren't we clever?' well it's just stupid.
Incidentally I only really watched The Omen about three years ago in my first year here (I watched a few scenes as a kid that seriously traumatised me but that's a story for another day) me and my bro watched it in the afternoon and by the end of it, we were frozen stiff to our chairs. Then as we were sitting there in silence this black crow suddenly perched on the window sill and we both jumped. If you have seen the film, you know the significance of this. It's timing was incredible. It took off a few seconds later, but the last thing I wanted to see while recovering from that film was a black crow infront of my open window. Since then, the only other film that's scared me is The Ring (the Japanese original)

I also recently watched one of the most devastating things I have ever seen- a channel 4 documentary on Indonesian workers in Malaysia. There are half-a-million of them-mostly maids- living as virtual prisoners-their passports confiscated as soon as they find work in a Malaysian household and then treated like shit and usually forced to work for years without any pay at all. It was terrible gut-wrenching stuff the stories they were telling. Aned because they have no rights whatsoever under malaysian law, their employers treat them with the kind of brutality that would just turn your stomach. Then to see a Malaysian minister defend this brutality by saying some rubbish about Indonesians in the past running away from their jobs...it was sickening. I don't often feel hate because it is almost always counter-productive but I hated-HATED- that smug prick who sat confidently infront of the TV cameras and endorsed what is in effect a modern form of slavery.
So here you have a country whose legal system is geared to supporting the slavery of workers who are considered sub-human beings and they think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. A minister says that this is the way things should be. Then some creep who provides these maids to Malaysian households says they often have AIDS and are immoral and so this form of imprisonment is important to keep them in check. What kind of madness is this? I wish we could beam such stupid dickheads back to the sixteenth century where hopefully they would be eaten by wolves before they could do any damage. I can't remember the last time I was so enraged about something as I was when I watched this report.

The 'Out there' Files: Part 2

Minega : Raymond minus conscience? if thats true, theres a bridge in Brooklyn I could sell u
Raymond : well that makes two of us but if we keep repeating it ,we can believe it
Raymond :we have to try



brown sugah :ohhhhhh xcuse the fuckout of me!!


Open up your eyes:its silly, but it keeps me happy and away from the chainsaw


Raymond: man ,minzo I still doubt the entire concept that you can dance


brown sugah : RUBBISH!! MARRIAGE?? WAHT IS THIS 1802??


BaL SerA : I actually found passion of the christ creepy....is that a sin????


Tesi : undesirable characteristics?? how old are you 70?


WarBeTide: man do you need me to rocket propel some grolsch


OrInsane : so now u agree there's a chance that we might b attacked by emoticons one day
Minega : maybe if we keep using them repeatedly they wont able to gang up and attack
OrInsane : so we shud just use most of them as much as we can, even if they're not relevant in the conversation


Tesi :so r u dumped or not?
Raymond : I'm in a limbo of sorts dunno
and I'll be your downfall: hes in the no-mans land of the break-up
and I'll be your downfall : the DMZ of dumping
Tesi :YEH ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE


WarBeTide: there is this girl called philomena kamya
WarBeTide:she is a hoax of nature, i used to go to this British boarding schol with her and she was the slowest thing
WarBeTide: her older sister is called immaculate
WarBeTide: yup i swear and the younger one petrina, i kid you not
WarBeTide : i swear dont even get me started on the brothers



Maybe tomorrow :I cant really laugh out loud coz theres another guy in the room looking serious
brown sugah :laugh loud and beat your chest then mutter something in Kinyarwanda and run wailing from the room
brown sugah :PLEASEEEEEEEEEE
brown sugah :that will be THE END of his late night sessions



Maybe tomorrow : so you cant think clearly on demand?
Maybe tomorrow : jeez you are an employers dream arent u?


WarBeTide : well you try getting stuck with Laurencia noella mihayo rwiliriza


Maybe tomorrow : well thats the way it goes
brown sugah :how, i dont get
Maybe tomorrow : the way it goes?
brown sugah : yehh
Maybe tomorrow: well it can only go the way it goes...how else could it possibly go
brown sugah :what way im lost Zo
Maybe tomorrow : the way its going!
brown sugah : NOW IM LOST KABISA!!
brown sugah :I WILL JUST DROP IT!


Tesi :just out of curiosity how did the donkey climb the tree??
Open up your eyes: what...u think it cant use a ladder


Tesi : shes farting at work!!!!!!!


and I'll be your downfall:pink is sooooo gay
Raymond :its a dolphin colour
and I'll be your downfall: no way...i love dolphins, and i hate pink
Raymond: watched a sharks tale
Raymond: the dolphin was
and I'll be your downfall : i will not accept that dolphins are inherently inclined to the colour pink


Minega: I NEVER SAID I WANT TO BE MARRIED IN 2 YEARS!!!
brown sugah : u did
Minega: TWO>????
brown sugah: and i cyber laughed at u
Maybe tomorrow: I'd be 24...thats nuts....
brown sugah: NO SHIT WHAT I SAID
Maybe tomorrow: I must have been joking or u have misremembered it
brown sugah : NOPE COS I REASKED
Maybe tomorrow: this is why convos must be saved!



WarBeTide: heathen
WarBeTide :and you guys belong to what church again

Minega: I think many guys are tempted to just use simpler methods at first
brown sugah : like what?
Minega: well like actually being themselves and making proper conversation
brown sugah : duuh! hadnt thought of that

The 'out there' files: Part 1

A random selection of demented MSN conversations I have had with people over the last few months. I tend to save these conversations so that no one accuses me of saying things I haven't said.

Christa: You still listen to VOA? Honey, move on!

Minega: careful...theres goblins in the stratosphere
Raymond:hahahhahahhaha
Raymond:and how pray tell did said goblins get there!!!?
Minega :what do I look like- a goblin expert?
Minega: jeez....
Raymond: you can't handle the truth!! But if you insist: YES
Minega: well theres an answer actually
Minega: see they couldnt handle the good old earth from down her, werent too popular, didnt get invited to parties
Minega: couldnt even vote poor bastards
Raymond:so they are voyuering from space!
Minega : so anyway they had to take off like the Israelis from Egypt but minus the prophet and the guiding God
Minega: how they got there...well thats where the story gets a bit weird

Raymond:shes just awesome and i havent even met her
Raymond: i think i have a future as a stalker/hysteria ridden dude/ serial killer
Raymond: well i know blood doesnt wash out easy but the new persil takes those out,saw it in a commercial
Minega:and hysteria has been known to interfere with academic duties
Raymond: well im on holiday mr smarty pants

brown sugah : HOW CAN YOU NEVER HAVE FOUGHT??
brown sugah : THATS INSANE DONT YOU KNOW THAT you havent really been in love if you've never thought of killing your partner?"


Raymond : IS life any more frightful than after university
Minega : yep, a lot more frifghtful
Minega :its walking through the valley of the shadow of death- metaphorically of course!
Raymond : with the death actually sitting on your shoulders singing mary had a little lamb
Minega : off tune

Christa: I’m tired of being nice!

brown sugah : and as for calling her"the body" WTF?? doesnt one need to have something on the bones to be A BODY?


Raymond : well is cholesterol bad for you? does it make food taste good ?
Raymond : should we eat it ?

Maybe tomorrow :well if its any consolation no one will give me flowers either

Maybe tomorrow : well one assumes after the wine and the talk and all...theyre not going to play badminton.


brown sugah :whatever happened to romancing without expectations of pantydropping??